Submission for the Rocky Mountain Fur Con 2015 convention book
Theme: Furry Game Shows
Least Eligible Bachelor
by: Kilted Jackalope
A short ferret wearing a large headset poked his head in on the stage and said, “Twelve seconds left in commercial, Mr. Ricardo.” The dashing black leopard wearing a flashy purple suit put on his million dollar smile and waited for the camera to light up. The studio audience applauded right on cue.
“And, we’re back! Tonight has certainly been an exciting one for our returning champion. Let’s have another round of applause for the ever so lovely, Savannah!” He swept his paw towards the voluptuous burgundy vixen seated across a plush loveseat in the middle of the stage. The audience howled and whistled. The fox smiled and waved, blowing kisses to everyone.
“Time to meet tonight's selection!” The host read from his cue card as an athletic looking gray wolf ran out on stage. “Contestant #1 is never far from his surfboard; loves meat, girls, fast cars, and, um - more meat! Let’s hear it for Brock!” The wolf responded in kind, pumping his fists and howling. Savannah winked when she caught his eye.
“And our next contestant is an amateur chef; he loves cooking, wine tasting, and giving foot massages. Let’s all welcome Dakota!” Several seconds after the intro was read a pair of paws shoved a nervous white rabbit with wide eyes onto the stage. He clutched at his ears and dashed over to his seat, giving a timid wave to the chuckles in the audience.
Ricardo turned to the camera and smiled. “Awww. Isn’t he just too cute? And Contestant #3 studies theatre at the university; he loves protein shakes, nice clothes, and won big at the state track meet this year. Let’s make some noise for Alex!” A very self-assured looking cheetah strutted out on stage, flashing the audience a coy grin. He took his seat and winked at Savannah.
The host stepped to the side and graciously gave Savannah the spotlight. The vixen looked over the three contenders and grinned. “Um, let’s start with Brock!” More cheers and applause. The wolf spread a toothy grin and leaned forward in his seat, his tail thumping. “Brock, if we were trapped in a snowstorm, how would you keep me warm?” she asked, batting her eyelashes.
The wolf’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “Um.. I.. OH! I know.. it.. Oh, wait - is there a bed? ‘Cause if there was a bed then we’d definitely…”
Ricardo popped his smile in front of the camera. “Oh, MY! I think I better remind the contestants that this is a family friendly show!” he said, amid whoops and cheers from the audience while Brock continued to gesticulate wildly.
Savannah giggled and moved on. “Dakota, if you were a mighty hunter and I was your prey, what would you do when you caught me?” The audience howled and clapped.
The timid rabbit gasped and swallowed audibly as his ears turned pink. “Uhh… I’m not… D-Do you like salads? I c-could make you a salad and later rub some lavender into your fur. It’s good for your roots and it s-smells nice too.”
Ricardo sparkled his teeth in front of the camera again. “Well, isn’t he just the sweetest thing?” The audience cued up an ‘Awwww' response. “What do you think, Savannah?” The vixen shifted on her cushion and played with her tail - nearly driving Brock out of his mind.
“Hmmm. I’m not sure yet, Ricardo,” she cooed, turning her attention to the cheetah with the wry smile. “How about Contestant #3? Alex, if I were a lollipop, what flavor would you want me to be?” she asked, flitting her ears and smiling sweetly.
Brock fell out his chair, waving his arm. “OH! I know! Me! ME! I know! Oh, PLEASE let me answer! Oh! OH!” Ricardo chuckled towards the camera and nudged the over-eager wolf back into his chair.
The cheetah waited patiently and replied, “Oh, honey - with all those fur extensions I’d be too afraid of choking on a hairball to care,” he smirked.
The audience surged with laughter and applause. Savannah rolled her eyes and laughed off his comment. “Alright, Ricardo. It’s pretty obvious isn’t it? I’m ready to make my choice.”
Desperate to win more points, Brock took off his shirt and flexed. Dakota looked panic stricken and tried to disappear behind his paws. Alex preened his whiskers and tried to look bored.
The black leopard glided over to the side of the loveseat. “Very well, Savannah, which is your choice? Our insatiable surfer? Our cuddly bunny? Or the pretty kitty?”
Savannah flashed a confident smile at the audience and said, “It’s number three. Alex. Definitely.”
A loud buzzer and a drone of ‘aaahhhh’ from the audience faded Savannah’s smile.
Ricardo gave a faux look of sympathy. “Oh, I’m so sorry!. It was actually Dakota.” Savannah, whose microphone had been cut off, silently protested and cursed in disbelief while Alex looked sideways at Dakota and muttered, “Eww.”
“But you were such a good sport! Thank you for playing!” The audience applauded on cue as Ricardo walked towards the camera. “And thanks to you all at home for watching another episode of, ‘Guess Who’s Been Neutered!’.”
Barely audible over the applause, Alex piped up and remarked, “Hey, now - fair’s fair! She lost, so can I go home with Brock?”
Big smile. “Gooooodnight everybody!”
