In my bedroom, without anything to do… again, staring at the ceiling as if it was about to change at any moment.
“Aren’t you going to move?”
I say those words in my mind, just looking at the inert ceiling. Even though reason tells me it won’t do anything, I feel that as long as I watch it, the faster it will move.
I close my eyes; sigh and I pull up my arm just to let my hand drop to my face. I press my eyeteeth and then I let go a light growl, as if I was mad at the ceiling for being exactly like me.
“Are you waiting for me to do it first?”
The quiet ceiling watches me, inside my head its like it was mocking me, it knows why I am like this, but it chooses to be quiet and lets me waiting for its answer.
With my eyes covered still, I pull up my other arm to reach a glass of soda that is right next to my bed, on the bureau. With little movements I explore every inch of that bureau, looking for the glass.
“Cigarettes… lighter…money…iPod…cell phone…”
My search is in vain, I can’t find that damned glass… because of the frustration I feel, I move my arm aggressively and for an instant I feel how the tip of one of my fingers touches the ice cold crystal, I stop my abrupt movements and pull towards me the glass, take it to my mouth and then I drink a little of its contents…
“Shit… again the ice melted and it fucked up my soda…”
Without anything else to do, I swallow the liquid and then I drop the empty glass right next to my bed…
“At least like that, I won’t have to move for another couple of hours”
I turn my head, move the hand out of my face and slowly, I open my eyes… again the whiteness of the walls makes me return to the reality of my life… I move my head again and stare at the ceiling one more time, it turns grey.
“It seems it’s about to rain…”
Out of nothing, speakers start to sound, I start to listen to a quiet and depressing sound, it’s the song I listen to over and over again, in a way, it makes me feel calm, makes me feel like I was still there.
“I should turn it off… but I don’t want to get up again”
I blink; the ceiling becomes even greyer, almost black… I close my eyes again, I feel like a drop of cold water falls over my face, I open my eyes and the ceiling has disappeared… now millions of water drops fall all over me.
“How did I get here?”
I look around and see people walking through the busy streets of the city, everyone escaping from the rain, hiding below their umbrellas while they cross the streets.
I close my eyes and shake my head, I sigh and open my eyes again waiting to return to my bedroom, but it seems like I can’t, so I will just give up to that idea.
I start walking aimlessly, looking up trying to recognize where I am, but it seems its useless, the rain floods my eyes, I prefer to keep my head down, watching how the streets are getting flooded very slowly.
“Why are they always looking at me like if I was something so strange?”
They pass right in front of me and keep staring at me like for an endless time, I feel how their eyes get stuck into my flesh, how their words reach my ears and how their laughs beat my body, I’m just like them, and yet they prefer to see me as if I was something strange.
Sometimes I stare back at them and then there are times when it’s just easier for me to ignore them… they don’t deserve my attention, they are just people I won’t see again.
“It’s the same as always, I guess I’m just bound to be the weird one…”
A grin appears in my face, like trying to start smiling, but almost immediately it gets suffocated by a sigh; I lower my face and keep walking, in any case, nothing else matters know.
I stop. I feel how my body becomes heavier, I look around me to end up looking at myself, my clothes are soaking wet thanks to the rain; there couldn’t be a better moment for me to forget something to protect me from the rain… although to be honest, I never really knew at what moment I walked out of my bedroom… or perhaps I was just dreaming to be in my bedroom.
I shake my head to get rid of the excess of water on my hair, with one hand I remove the hair that’s covering my eyes, then I reach the back of one of my ears with one hand and feel something there, I take it and watch it.
“Shit… it was my last cigarette…”
I throw it away, keep walking, I watch how the people run around me… they are so exaggerated, a few drops of rain can’t kill anyone, but they prefer to “stay dry” and avoid getting sick, its not like they will surely get sick anyway… but, it is kind of funny to watch them run, I keep hoping for someone to trip so I can start laughing.
“And what am I supposed to do now?”
I think that maybe its better to just keep walking, I don’t have anything better to do anyway… besides, the rain feels so good when it touches my skin, I think I’ll keep going like this for a while longer, at least until I get somewhere or I meet someone.
Suddenly, a thought invades my mind, I stop and look up again… it’s that place where we were together… I close my eyes and sit on the side walk, showing my back to that building, I lower my face and sigh, I can only feel how the people walk behind me.
“Is this place where I was supposed to be since the beginning?”
I sigh one more time, I stand up and watch that building… thousands of memories fill up my mind… every single one of them with you by my side… but for now I prefer to ignore them, I just want to keep walking until I get back to my bed.
I shake my head again, water running down my face, taking away a couple of tears with it; I start walking faster, trying to remember the lyrics of a song I was listening to before I disappeared from my bedroom, but at the same time I just want to stop thinking, it would be so much better like that.
Without realizing it, I found myself at the middle of the street, the rain falls harder and it wont let me see beyond my own nose; I can only see a red sign flashing on the distance, then I hear the horn of a car and it makes me jump to avoid that machine.
“Fuck… I might not be able to survive one of those again…”
I try to smile but I prefer to just keep walking aimlessly, although it is very curious, it seems that the more I walk, the more familiar the places I walk by seem to be, could it be that… I’ve been here before? … I think I have, when you brought me here…
Without realizing it, I hit a wall. I look up and realize that I am back where I begun, exactly back on that street where the people looked at me like I was some kind of weird animal or something strange they couldn’t understand.
I keep walking and don’t stop for anything; I can’t even see where I am going or if I’m going to hit something or someone, I just keep walking as if my life depended on it, after a while I just stop, me feet hurt, I just wish somewhere to sit and rest.
I look up and now I arrived to a restaurant that looks familiar
I clean my face and walk to the restaurant’s door, I stop because some people start coming out of the place, they open the door and get out, but they just can’t avoid staring at me… I hate when they do that, haven’t they seen someone like me?
I stop worrying about that and enter the restaurant, for one moment, I could’ve sworn that I saw you there, sitting, waiting for me… but after one second I saw the table again and it was empty, it was always empty… it doesn’t matter, I just came in to cover myself from the rain.
“It will be better to get out of this place before they try to sell me the air I’m breathing”
Grinning, got out from the restaurant and kept walking for another while, it seems that it wasn’t raining that much now, now I could see better where I was walking.
For one last time I stopped, now I looked up to the sky… it looked so much like my bedroom’s ceiling… i gave no importance to it and just kept walking.
Step by step it seemed like I was getting away from my reality, losing myself between the people walking down the busy streets, but still none of that mattered to me… I just wanted to reach some place where I could feel calm, where I could feel you with me…
“Why do I feel that I can’t reach anywhere if I’m still walking?”
Shit, I think I won’t be able to do this any longer, I want to return to my bedroom and lie on my bed again and start waiting for the ice in my soda to stop melting and for the ceiling to start moving.
But no, I’ve decided that I won’t stop until I find that place, and I’m not willing to give up now, because I know you are there waiting for me… because I know that we could be there together for a while longer.
The rain finally ends, I look up to the sky and the last rain drop falls right on my right eye; quickly I lower my face and start rubbing my eye with my whole palm, the feeling only gets worse, one tear comes out and it stays on my fingers…I stare at it and it seems like it is turning black, but then I look again and it’s transparent.
I let the tear fall and smile.
“…I think this place is perfect…”
At first glance, it looked like the place was abandoned, but what was weird about it was that it was clean.
I decided to sit down on what looked like a big stone, with one hand I searched behind my ear and realized that the cigarette was gone.
“Right, it got wet while I was walking down the rain…”
I sighed and looked up to the sky again, the sun was starting to appear behind some grey clouds, seemed that after all, the rain wasn’t going to last for that long.
I was watching the people pass by and like always, they were staring at me, like if I was something weird.
“I would love to return the gaze at them just one time to make them feel how I feel when they look at me like that”
Smiled, sighed and for a moment I closed my eyes, I don’t know why but the idea of me returning the gaze at them seemed very funny and something to look forward to.
It was there when I froze…
There you where… walking quietly on the other side of the street, like if nothing mattered to you or nothing could interrupt you.
My first reaction was to try to run towards you, but then I thought about it and decided to stay quiet and started thinking that like on the restaurant, you were just a joke from my subconscious.
“Probably I just want to fool myself and start thinking you really are there…”
But something happened that made me woke up from my dreams… I saw you walking towards me, waving at me…
At thought that maybe you were saying hi to someone behind me… but then you shouted my name and my only answer was to smile like a fool.
“I thought you didn’t see me, you looked like you were sleeping with your eyes open”
I tried to talk, again I started to think it was all a joke from my subconscious, but again you made me react when you hugged me…
“Ahmm… well I… didn’t think you were going to recognize me, I look worse than the last time we were together”
You smiled, looked at me like if I was joking, then you sat down on the stone I was sitting down a few moments ago, I looked at you, tried to return the smile to you.
“Move a bit, you are occupying all my space…”
You moved and left empty almost half of the stone, when I was about to sit down you put your hand on the free space, looked up and challenged me with your eyes.
“And why are you sitting? Isn’t it time for us to go?”
I got scared when I heard that, I didn’t know how to react, the only thing I could do was to look at you confused.
“What?”
I felt stupid; I could’ve said something better.
Again you smiled, got up, took my hand and started walking pulling me behind you.
“Don’t you remember that you asked me to meet you here before we went to your place?”
I still couldn’t return to my reality, I just heard you talking but my body couldn’t react, I only felt you pulling me and my legs started moving on their own to start walking behind you.
“To be honest, I didn’t remember that”
You stopped, turned around and gave an awful look, I shrunk my shoulders and stayed in silence… again you hugged me and we kept walking.
"Dunno why it doesn’t surprise me... but yeah, you invited me to hang out with you and i really hope there will be food cause I'm starving"
Smiled, looked at you and slipped one arm behind your neck
I didn’t need to know anything else, I just wanted to get home and spend the time with you… just like it was before… when everything was exactly like it was supposed to be…
…when we were just you and me…
