Sonic in Rehab
by Snackattack
All sounds fell away leaving sonic deaf and blind. Sonic was still awake...but where?
"I should have known it was you!" Sonic screamed into the darkness...
From the black came the sound of a slow clap as the rotund figure of the evil Robotnik stepped into view.
"Well done, Sonic. So you're not as dumb as a bag of rocks after all."
"Feh," Sonic spit, "that plan could never work. How can someone ever overcome their addiction if they don't take responsibility for their recovery?"
"Hehe, that's the beauty of it, they never do. And they keep coming back to me, their lord and savior."
"And you thought I would fall for that bull?" yelled Sonic, incredulous.
"No, though it would have been convenient if you had. You were just my guinea hog, so to speak. I wanted to see if the inhabitants of Mobius were stupid enough to fall for my trick. And it turns out they are. Soon they will be lining up to come to my meetings, and then to be turned into unfeeling robots who can never be addicted to anything."
"In your dreams Robuttnik!"
"No, Sonic the hedgehog. In your dreams..."
Robotnik began to laugh, and sonic snapped awake.
"Are you okay, hun?" Said Bunnie Rabbot, sitting up in bed.
"Yeah," Sonic gulped, feeling the wetness of a sweat soaked mattress beneath him. "Just a dream..."
Sally popped up from behind him.
"Oh, don't tell me. It was that chili dog dream again, wasn't it?" said sally, her contempt evident in the way she spoke, or rather spit, her words. Sonic ignored this.
"Yes. Yes, it was. But why? What does it all mean?"
"Well it doesn't take a genius to figure that one out, sweet pea,"said Bunnie, who often reminded Sally that they didn't marry the blue hedgehog for his brains. "It means y'all eat too many chili dogs! At yesterday's picnic, you were scarfin' chili dogs like a half starved swamp gator. Now when are you going to get some sense and cut that out?"
Sonic groaned, holding his aching belly.
"Maybe my mind is telling me to quit," said Sonic, "but my stomach just can't resist. What do I do?"
"Well, for one, you can start with a little tip from us girls,"said Bunnie, nodding over to Sally.
Sally looked back at Bunnie for a second, with her mouth open in disbelief.
"Really? Do I have to get up for this? Oh fine, leave it to me, let's step outside, Sonic. I've had enough chili farts for one night anyway."
Two figures stood by the bushes outside Sonic's hut.
"This is what we ladies like to call the splurge and purge. You just bend over like this, and stick your finger down your throat. Now you try."
"Okay... but this is kinda we- BLAAAARARRRRRRGHHHH," came the sound from Sonic's throat at the sudden expectoration of a full wheelbarrow worth of chili dogs.
"That's it, sweetie, get it allll out..." said Sally, patting the poor hedgehog's back. "And the best thing is, you can eat as much as you want and not get stuffed!"
"This is terriBLLAAARRRRRGHGHHH!!!!" he exclaimed, as another wave of yesterday's lunch came up into the brisk morning air. "I can't eve- BLARRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!"
Chili dogs that were never meant to see the light of day were now splattering the bushes along with the pre-dawn dew. Such a waste of delicious foodstuffs went against all the blue hero believed in and he was on the verge of tears when Sally led him on shaky legs back inside.
"That's better. Let's get you all cleaned up," said Sally, wiping his face with a wet washcloth.
"I think we need to figure out another solution, Sally," said Sonic, still blinking back tears.
"Aww, honey. You sure wouldn't make it as a woman. Well, go talk to Rotor in the morning and see if he can't think of something. He's a smartie. And a guy. He's bound to come up with something you can handle. And he'd better, because you can't seem to help yourself when it comes to chili dogs."
The problem was, she was right. He didn't feel like he could resist the pull of the dog without help. As Sonic settled into a fitful sleep between the two furs, they looked at each other over his prone body, with concern in their eyes.
Sonic woke up late the next day, his stomach churning with hunger pangs. He quickly got up and had a glass of water before catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His eyes were red. His face was drawn. Even his quills seemed to droop. This wasn't the first time he woke up in such a state but by gum it would be the last, he said to himself, pounding his fist on the rough wooden counter. He cleaned himself up as best he could before venturing out to Rotor's workshop, where the handy walrus was sure to be found.
"Ah Sonic. You're back with the living, I see."
"Yes Rotor. And I nearly regret it. I assume Sally and Bunnie told you what's up?"
The walrus tactfully averted his eyes from the poor sight of the bedraggled hedgehog as he continued to tinker with a round spherical piece of weaponry taken from one of Robotnik's creations.
"Yes, I heard. You had another bad night, and you want to figure out a way to prevent a repeat of yesterday's performance."
"Rotor, you know I love my chili dogs, but if they're causing my nightmares... Well, you may not know this but it's every other night I'm waking up in a cold sweat, and worse, waking up the girls. They're not happy, and neither am I. I can't kick butt with a chili dog hangover."
"No, that you can't. Let me put my noggin to it, and in the mean time, do your best to keep your mind off the dogs, will you?" Rotor gave Sonic a wan smile as he turned a bolt on the sphere, eliciting a whining sound as the sphere began to vibrate.
"Take cover, she's gonna bloooow!"cried the suddenly wide-eyed mechanic, jumping behind a work bench.
Sonic dusted himself off as he walked out of the smoking workshop. His stomach was still rumbling and he was finding it very hard to remember not to think of chili dogs without - by default - thinking of chili dogs.
"I can do this. Just think of baseball. No good, they sell chili dogs at baseball games. Think about Robuttnik... ugh, I think I just lost my appetite."
But thinking of the mad Doctor only reminded him of the terrible nightmares that assailed him. Finally he settled on thinking of his good friend, Tails.
"I wonder what my little buddy is up to anyway..."
He found Tails helping Bunnie cook some lunch. Sonic knew Tails liked to help but he also suspected the little tyke had a secret crush on the cybernetic bunny. It was really cute how he followed her around. Her 'little helper' she always called him.
"Hey guys, what's cookin'?"Sonic said, sniffing the warm kitchen air.
"We're makin' chili," said Tails, all smiles.
"You betcha," said the Bunny. "My ol' grandfather's two alarm recipe. Two alarm because it'll burn you TWO times," she said, with a wink.
"Oh... chili..."Said Sonic, beginning to sweat just at the thought of eating one of Bunnie's 'spicy' dishes. "Wait a second...there's something I'm not supposed to be thinking about...DARN!"
The two furs jumped at his interjection.
"Sorry guys. I'm tryin' not to think of chili dogs..."
"But Sonic, why? You love chili dogs?"
"Now you hush, little one," said Bunnie Rabbot. "I already told you that Sonic is tryin' to cut down. She turned her attention back to the blue hedgehog. "We have a little trick we used to use back in the Southern Baronies for just such a situation. You carry a pocketful of lemonbeet seeds, ya see, and pop 'em in your mouth whenever you get a craving. The sourness will drive all the hungry thoughts from your lil' ol' head."
"That's great, Bunnie, but I don't have any pockets!"
"Keep 'em in your socks," cried the fox.
"Then they really would be sour..." muttered the hedgehog to himself.
"I know," said Tails. "Why don't you just try BEING a chili dog?"
"Tails, that's... I don't even have words for how stupid that is..."said Sonic.
"It's NOT stupid!"Tails yelled. "Think about it, Sonic. A chili dog can't eat other chili dogs, because it has no mouth. You could dress up like a chili dog, and that way you can think about chili dogs as much as you want without having to eat them."
"It is dumb. You're too little, you just don't understand." Said Sonic, with a dismissing wave.
"I'm NOT LITTLE!!!" Yelled Tails, taking a swing at Sonic, who easily dodged it.
"BOYS!" Interjected the rabbit, with a look that could melt robo-titanium. "No fighting in the kitchen. You're BOTH acting like little kids right now. Tails, don't raise your voice. And Sonic. Don't call Tails names. He's a big boy and my smartest helper too, isn't that right hon? I think it's a great idea, though maybe it could use a little modification. Heaven knows my life would be a lot easier if we covered that big mouth of yours."
Modification? Sonic didn't like the sound of that.
"Well it's simple, hon. You don't need to be a chili dog, you need to be a regular dog! Throw a muzzle and leash and some hand mitts on you and that should keep you outta trouble for the present."
"Oh boy! I've always wanted a dog!"said Tails, suddenly forgetting his anger.
"First of all. No. And secondly, where are you gonna find all that stuff fit for a hedgehog?"
"Well, you know Antoine has some interesting hobbies, I'll bet he could rustle something up."
"Didn't you hear me? I said NO. Nothin' doin'. And I don't even want to know about Antoine's 'hobbies'. This conversation is creepin' me out..." Sonic trailed off, muttering to himself.
"Well, if you think you can do it yourself, then be my guest, hon. But next time you have a binge, Sally and I will be sleeping at Antoine's."
"Yeah yeah, I get it."Said Sonic. "I think I'll take my chances with Rotor's solution. If it doesn't blow up first. Call me when lunch is done."
Sonic was puttering around knothole, wishing he had never gotten out of bed when a group of kids came up to him and asked him to play. He was about to say no when he thought 'why the hell not?' and joined in an action packed game of freedom fighters and robots. Actually, the kids really cheered him up, and by the time the lunch bell rang, he really had forgotten all about his chili dog woes. As he sat down to eat, he reminisced on his own childhood. A simpler time, to be sure, before Robotnik was the evil mastermind he was today. But also a carefree time, before complicated adult problems like chili dog addiction were even a glimmer on the horizon. If only there was some way to go back... A fresh start, if you will. Yeah, he thought, grabbing a second bowl of chili. The more he thought about it, the better it sounded.
"Oookay, hon, I think you've had enough. I'm cuttin' you off." Said Bunnie Rabbot, taking Sonic's bowl away from him. His hand followed the bowl like it was his long lost love, but she was right. He hadn't even been aware of how much he was eating.
Antoine and Rotor were tactful enough to ignore the exchange, while Sally leaned over and told him it wouldn't be a problem if he'd just use her method. Tails just looked confused, still not fully understanding why Sonic couldn't eat as much as he wanted, but was soon distracted with something else. For once Sonic wished Robotnik really was there. At least it would distract him from his miserable chili dogless existence
"By the way, Sonic," Said Rotor, who had moved to sit next to the hero to speak more discreetly. "I think I may have figured out a solution to your little nightmare problem..." and he began to whisper into the hedgehog's ear. Sonic had heard enough.
"That's IT!" He said, pounding the table. "I'm done listening to your 'solutions'"
"But I haven't said anyseeng..." Said Antoine, holding up a familiar looking pamphlet which he had been about to offer the hedgehog.
"Shut up Antoine. The time for talking is over, it's time for action. And I know just what I'm going to do..."
What will Sonic do?
Will he binge and purge as Sally suggests? Will he dress up like a hot dog, a la Tails? Will he dress up like a REAL dog? Or invest in a pair of pants with pockets to hold Bunnie's lemonbeet seeds? Maybe he will take up Rotor on his mysterious offer? Will he actually LISTEN to Antoine for once? Will he take a cue from the kids of the forest and try to regress back to childhood? Or will he try to just tough it out on his own? And what of the evil Doctor Robotnik who seems conspicuously absent in the last several pages. Stay tuned to find out...
