Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Secrets Series
By Jeremy McLaughlin
Episode Three:
Statistically Speaking
Donnie called from the dark confines of his laboratory. “Woot! I think I finally figured it out.”
The sound of his triumphant yelling raised the attention of his three brothers who were lounging around the common room furniture. Raph sat at the corner of the couch, a weight lifting magazine sprawled out across his lap. Mikey was lying on the floor watching television. As soon as Donnie fumbled into the room. Mikey rolled over onto his back to look up at Donnie, who stood panting at the edge of the room. Leo sat in the center of the couch reading through the newspaper, his eyes were peering over the top of the pages at his lanky brother.
Donnie stepped down into the center of the room with a stack of ragged looking papers flapping in his hand. His eager red eyes peered around the room, from one brother to the other. Trying to entice their interest in whatever experiment he had been working on. Although the looks he got back were the glazed over gazes he usually got.
“Guys, do you want to hear the amazing discovery that I've come up with?” Donnie's voice peaked high with an irritating bravado.
“Can we say no?” Raph muttered, not looking up from his magazine.
Donnie's eyebrows locked down straight in frustration. “Come on guys, I worked really hard on this. Aren't you the least bit curious.”
“Is it a cure for cancer?” Leo asked, ruffling the newspaper to straighten the page.
“Well...no. Not exactly.” Donnie shuffled his feet against the concrete.
“Is it a device the instantly makes whatever pizza we want.” Mikey snickered as he rolled around on the floor, until he was up on his butt.
“What? No...we already have something like that. It's called delivery.” Donnie's spat back at his younger brother.
Raph still didn't spare a look from the article he was reading. Donnie was waiting with strained ear to hear whatever stupid or sarcastic guess his stocky brother was going to make. Yet there wasn't one. Not a question, a joke, not even a peep. Raph just sat there and continued to read his magazine.
“Aren't you going to venture a guess Raph.” Donnie padded over to him, putting his hands on his hips.
“Nope! I still don't care, egghead.” His voice was snarky, but otherwise calm.
“You guys suck so bad.” Donnie yelled, stomping his foot. “Fine! I'll tell you jerkwads anyway and see if that piques your interest.”
Donnie cleared his throat and slapped the pages with the back of his hand. “By using simple math and science, I've been able to deduce what type of women each of you are into. In detail I might add.”
Mikey's attention perked up, as he got to his feet. “No...way! That's incredible.”
“That's right Mikey.” Donnie sat down with a smug look on his face.
Raph had finally spared a look from his article, but quickly turned back when he saw the look on Donnie's face. “This ought to be rich.”
“Do me, do me.” Mikey jumped up and down excitedly.
Donnie flipped through the papers in his hand and moved one of the pages to the front. “Yours was easy. I just had to run the variables. You're into short, skinny, Asian girls. Trusting, yet naïve. Coy, yet enticing.”
“O...M...G Don Don. This is freaking me out. It's like you're in my friggin' head, man.” Mikey was freaked out. Covering his ears as if to keep his brother's invasion at bay.
Raph scoffed and rolled his eyes. “This is bullshit. All Donnie had to do to wrangle up that data was to look at your magazine collection under your bed, Mikey.”
“True dat! Did you sneak a peak in my stash, brometheus?” Mikey cross his arms.
“What? No! I figured it out using my patented equation.” Donnie defended himself.
“Good, I was concerned you found that naked picture of April she gave me.” Mikey gave on breathy chuckle.
“You don't have a naked picture of April.” Donnie yelled, a red tint pushing to his cheeks.
“See, told ya!” Raph started laughing, Leo joined in.
“Oh, so busted dude.” Mikey chastised.
“Oh shut up!” Donnie jumped up from the couch and started walking back to his laboratory.
“Donnie, come on. We're just playing with you. Come back, I wanna hear what you found out about what type of women I'm into.” Leo folded down the newspaper so he could look at his brother's retreating figure.
“Yeah? Well, if you're sure.” Donnie's slumped shoulders straightened, as he moved to sit down again. “Leo is into strong, driven, brunettes. Thicker in the hips and boob region. They have to have a deep soul.”
Raph smirked at his big brother, directing his statement to Donnie. “Way to go nerd, you pretty much just described him, and we all know how much Leo loves himself.”
Leo glared at Raph for a second. “No Raph, he's pretty accurate about this one.”
Raph sneered and got up from the couch, throwing his magazine down where he had been sitting. “Alright brainiac, do me next. Unlock the mystery that is my love life.”
Donnie's tongue curled up along his lips as he flipped through his papers. “Alright. Statistically speaking, Raph, you're into busty, fiery red heads. The more hot tempered the better.”
Raph shook his head slowly and chuckled. “Nope. Try again chief.”
Donnie's eyes went wide as he poured over the paper again. By the way his eyes danced along the page, they all could tell that he was reworking the equation in his head. Donnie's lips started moving at a rapid pace, working it once again through his mind.
“I just don't understand. All the variables are right, the equation works out. The only thing that this could mean is he's lying to me.” Donnie glared at Raph angrily. “You're lying to me!”
“Nope. You just don't know enough variables about me to figure it out.” Raph stepped around the couch on his way back to his room.
“I demand you tell me what kinda women you're into, right now!” Donnie looked at Raph from over his shoulder.
Raph grumbled and walked over to the couch again. He grabbed the bandana straps hanging loose at the back of Donnie's head and pulled his head back hard. Donnie let out a sharp and loud “ow”, but was silenced as Raph pressed his lips firmly against Donnie's. His tongue pushing it's way past Donnie's tongue into a forced, passionate kiss. Donnie tried to pull away, but with the grip Raph had on his bandana, he was stuck.
When Raph pulled away from the kiss, he wiped his lips on the back of his hand, give a click of his tongue. Donnie's eyes followed Raph until he disappeared into his room. Donnie then looked at Mikey, who had his hand clasped over his mouth in stunned silence. Then he turned to Leo, who had a calm smirk on his face. Donnie sat there for a long moment, trying to regain his composure. Trying to work through the newly acquired variable Raph had offered him.
Suddenly his fingers shot up to touch the still moist feeling that lingered on his lips. “Oh...” Was all he could say as the mental light bulb went on in his head.
“There you go, tiger.” Leo chuckled, before going back to reading his newspaper once again.
