A dark cloud looms overhead
#5 of Life Goes On Series
It's not all sunshine and rainbows in real life as I delve into a darker place in my mind.
"So, you maybe wanna meet some of my friends on the wrestling team? They are in the locker room right now, but you can tag along if you want. I'm sure they would looove to meet you." Chris asks me with a suggestive grin on his face. I blush and say, "Um, sure. That could be fun.", "Oh, you'll have fun. Trust me." he says with a wink. As we are about to walk into the locker room I am startled by the sound of *ScreeeeechHUBBUBULBLUBWHEEERHISSSSSS* as my eyes shoot open and my heart races. As per usual every morning I am shocked back into reality by the strange jumbled noises that come out of the old as hell radio alarm clock I had found in my grandparents garage a few years ago. After I hit the off button on the alarm I rub my eyes and think, "Uuuuuuuugh, sometimes I sooooo wanna throw you out the window." Despite this thought I do remind myself that though it may be as loud as a blowhorn at very low settings and every station it picks up sounds like the studios are being ravaged by snowstorms it does its job of getting me to wake up every morning perfectly.
I fling myself out of bed and proceed to gather my things up to go to school. I have always set my alarm to wake me twenty minutes before I have to leave because I dress very quickly, don't get bed head much at all or don't care whenever I do,and two slices of toast and some milk are all I need for breakfast. I take a quick look at my bookshelf to where my anime dvd's are located and scan them for one Chris might like. As I sift through my collection looking at the backs of cases to refresh my memories I think to myself, "Hmmmm, Hidorin Afternoons was funny but maybe a little too cutesy, Booglebop Ghoul was a little too trippy and hard to follow. Ah, I know. Chronicle Crusaders had plenty of good action, looks decent and was pretty fun overall. Perfect!." After I pick out the show I put it in my pack and head to the kitchen to warm up my daily toast. When I am finished eating my mother asks my brothers and I if we are all ready to leave. We all say yes and pile into her van.
My brothers and I were all born five years apart give or take a couple of months therefore our mother has to take us all to our respective schools. We were very fortunate to have settled into the house we did because all of our schools were a very short drive away from it. Miguel's elementary school was literally right around the corner, the middle school I had gone to and Tony was attending now was five blocks away, and San Jose High was only eight blocks upward from the middle school. As my school was the furthest I had to see my brothers off to school everyday and give them as good of a reassurring smile and goodbye as I could muster despite my heart feeling heavy from worrying about their well being given what a wreck I felt like on the inside most of the time and hoped they wouldn't end up the same.
As my mother says her farewell to me with her usual smile at the school gate I start to wonder to myself how she might react if I were to tell her I am gay. We had grown quite distant since her and dad's divorce so that made it harder for me to assess how she might react. I of course hoped that she would give me a loving hug and assure me that she would always love me, but given that she was from a military background and she was raised Catholic I wasn't holding my hopes up too high. I did take some comfort in the fact that she wasn't a hardcore devout Catholic having never seen her practice anything and having never been taken to or seen her going to church.
There were so many variables with my mother that I didn't want to think on it for too long for fear of getting a headache. I then gave a second of thought toward how my dad would react to my being gay and immediately knew that I would probably not want to find out. Every so often these thoughts and ones similar to them would pick at and plague my mind making me depressed. During my depressed states I would sometimes start to cry and wish I had just one person to tell my troubles to, but given my shy and fearful nature I knew that unless I was absolutely sure that whoever I told wouldn't hate me after and spread the word to make others hate me as well that I would not chance it. I was becoming more and more worried about myself by the day because of the seemingly increasing frequency of these kinds of thoughts, but I just did my best to shake them away as I gave my mother a wave goodbye and started walking to class.
My first class was English which I have always passed with no problems. With the current chapter we were on being one I could immediatley tell I was gonna breeze through I decided to doze off for a bit and let my mind wander. Having always picked out seats in the second row from the back whenever I could, given that the people in the far back were made into easy targets, I knew my chances of being noticed were very slim. I started off my loose train of thoughts by hoping that Chris would like what I had picked out for him, which then became wondering what he was doing at the moment. I imagined him sitting in class diligently taking notes so as to not let his grades slip therefore risking being kicked from the wrestling team. I then had a little fun with this thought and imagined what he would look like with glasses on during this and smiled to myself at how adorable they made the imaginary him look. The next thing I knew the dark cloud of depressing thoughts began to seep its way into these harmless and pleasant ones.
I began to wonder how Chris might react if I were to tell him I am gay. The first image to pop into my head from this thought is one of Chris' face with one of the most horrified and disgusted looks I would never want to see in reality. This soon turned into him saying to me, "What?!, You, your a fag? *Huff* Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I did think it was kinda strange how I never saw you with a girl, but you being a homo didn't really cross my mind." Then his eyes widened and he took a sharp breath as a thought went through his mind and he said, "Ohhh, please don't tell me your also in love with me, please." as he closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose in agitation. My ears flatten against my skull in fear and I hang my head in shame. He see this and then looks even more disgusted before saying, "Oh god, really!?".
He then puts his hand over his face and starts to laugh in an awkard yet mocking way *Hahahahah* before saying ,"Oh my god. I didn't think the day would come where a faggot like you would actually have the balls to think he could try and pull a fast one on me." He then looks me straight in the eyes while pointing his finger out at me and jabbing it into my chest, his claw digging into it a bit but only enough to get his point across. He continues by saying, "Oh ho, you better not think for even a second that you can ever come anywhere near me from here on out. If I so much as catch you looking at me I will beat the shit out of you then and there. You better watch your back from now on and if you ever tell anyone what I just said to you, you'll have more than a beating waiting for you." all the while he is repeatedly jabbing his finger into my chest for punctuation.
As the Chris in my mind walks away with his hands balled into fists I am shoved back into reality by the piercing screech of the school bell signaling the end of class. I take a deep breath to calm myself from the horrible nightmare that my imagination had brought me. I am relieved when I see that no one noticed my little episode, glad that when I drift off like that my expression stays more or less blank. The small comfort of not being noticed is quickly replaced by a feeling of nausea at the thought of how real that scene had seemed and how very possible it could become reality. I hoped with what little hope I had left in me that this would not be how things would go. And as I walked out into the hall to get to my next class all I can think was, "Oh god, please let that not happen. Please."
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A bit of a downer compared to my previous chapters, but that's what happens in real life. We all have those moments of self doubt and sadness. At that time and for a few years before it these kinds of things were on my mind all the time and I was very sad most of the time because of it. I did manage to not let these feelings ever show in front of anyone, but that was probably a bad thing in retrospect. I have moved past those things in recent years, but I really don't want to sugarcoat my past too much because remembering the past as it was is important toward learning from it. No need to worry I will probably not be writing anymore chapter length downers like this as I feel this one was enough. I will of course make mention of any doubts or worries I have over the course of the story, but they will not be as long winded as this. Hope this little trip into the darker side of my mind doesn't bore anyone too badly. Please leave me any comments, criticisms and suggestions you want and I will take them into great consideration for the betterment of this series.
