Feline Blue

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by GothicKitty3

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Hey guys, it's been a while.

So I guess that I should just get straight into what has been happening with me. Prepare yourselves because I'm about to just type and not think too hard about what I'm saying for a change.

For reasons I'm not very comfortable with sharing, I have developed and struggled with anxiety, depression and P.T.S.D for a few years now. I have been deferring and going back to college and deferring again and I finally just couldn't do it anymore and completely withdrew from college last November.
It seemed like a catch 22 situation where I was damned if I stayed and damned if I left. It was my 4th and final year, and I still haven't gotten over the feeling of failure as a result of my decision. It's an incredibly hard thing to do, especially when you are so close to having your hard work and hospital visits pay off... When you finally make it near the end of the hard road that paves the way for the life you've been dreaming of since you were a child; when everything you were so sure of suddenly comes to a halt and you realize that YOU are the one holding yourself back... It's frustrating to say the least.

I've slipped in to a place which I have feared for a while- a place where art is not an escape anymore, but a reminder of that which I want to forget and move away from. It's a place where before I set foot past the gate I convince myself that I am set up to fail. Fear of art.... fear of what I loved and what made me more interesting to people, made me feel a little bit special and different for most of my life. Being afraid of failure before you even begin will hold you back. It's what leads me back to bed after I get up and look over at my sketchbook. Ruined from my last attempt. I will dwell on what has not worked and I will carry it with me. I will NOT allow myself to try again, because the tiredness and the hopelessness grab me by both hands and lead me back to bed. Nothing can go wrong when you sleep. You are not truly there when you sleep. But the nightmares are. The nightmares that seem so far-fetched and then some which are so normal.... telling me something about my life, and my past. Cruelly making me re-live situations and experiences and feelings which nobody should ever have to experience. There is no respite. There is no waking up.

It has become increasingly harder the more I have put off coming back here. But I feel that hopefully I can make myself contribute more often, now that I have just sat down and expressed how I feel. I NEED to push through this and I am coming out of my comfort zone now and back into a place where I'm not hiding myself anymore. Sometimes I will upload a piece I really like and sometimes I will just upload something small and crappy that I did just to keep up the habit.
I will of course still help out on any questions you guys have about anything, and I won't always be this down, I promise!
If this resonates with anyone else and you need someone to talk to then of course you can send me a private message. I'm not a therapist and I won't have all the answers, but I will listen to you at the very least and try my best to give you help and advice where I can.

To all my wonderful friends and all the people who used to support me.... All I can say is that I am so sorry. Through no fault of anyone else I have withdrawn myself from the people I love. And I miss you all xxx

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