The Epic of Boozy Barrister
Biting blogger bein' boozy,
Fuzzy, fussy, picky, choosy,
Couple bottles in, was woozy,
Desp'rit to unearth a doozy!
Records empty, feelin' bluesy,
All the shit he saw was snoozy,
"'Nother story 'bout some floozy—
...wolfman with a fuckin' uzi?"
That blasted Boozy Barrister,
Turned out to be the fairest fur!
Dreadful document destroyer,
Utter otter board annoyer,
Post quick fandom reconnoitre!
Yeah, so what, he likes his liquor—
Malt's his fav'rite upper-picker—
Makes it so his faith don't flicker,
'Fore this case, was never sicker!
Not your average city-slicker,
Badger'd through the thick and thicker,
Ain't no one who sinks 'em quicker!
He'll scold your sov'reign citizen,
And throw their letters in the bin!
Badger on a bitchin' bender,
Clearin' checks and legal tender!
"C&D? Return to sender:
...Nazi pedo sex-offender?"
"Quiet in the courtroom! Hurry!"
Roared the Judge, bitter, burry,
"Racket's deafening the jury—
Why's your phone receiving flurries?!"
"Honor—hic—it ain't no worries!"
Mumbled Boozy, vision blurry,
Vocals very slightly slurry,
"Twitter teems with fuckin' furries!"
Some Fascist Furs the breakin' straws?
He knows the law just like his paws!
Barry's now a Boozy Badger—
Discounts banned, so don't you cadger—
Barrin' some strange force of majeure,
Foes he'll kick right 'twixt the nadgers!*
-Charles Michael Averin