Chapter 4: Complicated Feelings
The silence was eerie, it wasn't normal, it was a bit disturbing. Silver was still by the window, just watching the snow.
While Silver stayed in his spot by the window, Knuckles had made his way over to the couch and tried to keep himself occupied.
This was what he wanted, the kid doing his own thing, no talking or awkward hugs nothing, yeah this was good.
However, Knuckles hadn't even managed to switch on the tv, he was distracted by the kid. His nausea seemed to have subsided, but he still felt funny, maybe it was guilt or worry, or perhaps a mixture of the two.
Either way he wanted it to go away.
With a sigh the guardian stood up and made his way over to the teen.
"Silver."
The young hedgehog turned to face the echidna again, giving him a light smile.
The echidna took a step back, that funny feeling amplifying ten fold.
"Um, eh, s-s-so how have you been?"
He felt so stupid for asking, but he didn't say anything else, he just stood there, awkwardly waiting for the kid to reply.
"I've been.....okay. Thank you for asking." The teen gave another sweet smile, and the guardian felt a bit relieved that Silver wasn't offended or anything by his question.
"G-good to hear you're doing good. Yeah, good to hear. Very good." Knuckles replied, as he nodded his head.
Silver stared at his guardian for a few moments, his smile slowly fading as he watched his friend carefully. Knuckles had yet to make any sort of eye contact with him, his gaze seemed to be elsewhere, and that hurt Silver.
Before his.....accident.....Knuckles was never shy around Silver, he wasn't afraid to make eye contact, always talked with him, teased him sometimes, always gave some form of physical contact, like a pat of the head, a hug or even a playful light punch in the arm. Knuckles was his friend, and he wasn't afraid of being affectionate around him.
That was before everything went to hell though.
Now, Knuckles won't even look at him, can't bare to touch him anymore, won't even play stupid boardgames with him. Doesn't have time for him. Doesn't want to know him anymore.
Why?
Because of what happened? Because he was filthy? Was Knuckles really that disgusted by him?
Biting his lip, Silver gently placed his hand on his guardian's forearm. The contact lasted for barely a second, when Knuckles quickly pulled his arm away, as if he had been burned.
"I-I'm sorry." Silver softly apologised, head bowed slightly, ears flattened against his head, showing just how nervous and uncomfortable he was.
'Why did I have to touch him? He hates me. Stupid.'
The two remained silent, for a few moments, before Knuckles finally spoke up.
"I-I, don't think I can wait until your brother comes back, I have to leave now!" The guardian spoke quickly, and made his way towards the front door.
"No wait!"
The echidna paused, his fingers just barely brushing the door handle.
"Wh-why are you running away?" The young hedgehog said, voice threatening to break as he tried fighting the urge to cry.
Knuckles bit his lip, he didn't even look over his shoulder to look at the kid, but he didn't leave right away either. He was trying to figure out what to say. He didn't know what to say. He was confused.
He wished none of this had happened, wished his friend hadn't gone through that horrible torture, wished that pissing party never happened.
The party, that's when their relationship really went to shit.
He had accidentally triggered a painful memory that made Silver think he was being hurt again. Knuckles was accused of doing something inappropriate and that's just when his attitude changed.
Changed to what, he still wasn't sure.
He wasn't sure what he truly felt.
Why was everything so freaking complicated?
"Am I, to disgusting to even look at anymore?"
That's when the guardian turned around, his attention completely grabbed by his young charge.
"Why would you say a stupid thing like that?"
Silver flinched. "You never want to spend time with me, y-you've been avoiding me." "Now that's not true, I-" "Don't you fucking lie to me!"
Knuckles didn't say another word, he was a bit shocked, Silver never swore, he never spoke to anyone like that.
It was then it hit him, the sudden realisation came crashing into him so hard, he didn't even realise he was clenching his jaw so tightly.
Silver was the one truly suffering, he had to wake up each morning with those feelings, those awful memories lingering within his mind.
It never dawned on him, how much pain Silver must be in, all that emotional baggage weighing him down. Yet he still managed to smile, give affection despite everything, and here the guardian was, only thinking about himself and mourning the loss of his 'old friend', refusing to look and see that his old friend was still there, just silently pleading for the echidna's help.
Now he could finally see.
The old Silver, his Silver, was standing right there, drowning in his pain, and now, Knuckles didn't hesitate to save him.
Darting forwards, the echidna embraced the hedgehog tightly, while softly spouting his apologies.
"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. Forgive me. I-I'll never....." He trailed off when he felt arms wrap around him, and heard soft whimpering as the teen nuzzled his face into the guardian's chest.
"I'm so sorry, Silver."
"I know."
Leaning down to nuzzle the hedgehog's forehead, Knuckles whispered how sorry he was once more, and that he'd never abandon his friend again.
"I won't ignore you ever again. I'll protect you, I promise."
Hearing those words made Silver feel a bit conflicted. He was so happy, relieved even, to have his friend back, to be cared about, yet he was terrified of Knuckles' promise of protection. It was a lovely gesture, but no one could even protect Silver from......what he went through.
Promises like this were dangerous. Shadow promised his brother he would always protect him.
He couldn't.
Now Shadow was paranoid, and a bit overbearing.
Silver had told his big brother that he wasn't angry, it just happened, it was something out of their control, none of them ever thought of something like that even happening.
Well you don't do you?
"Silver?"
"Yeah?"
"Wanna watch tv with me?"
Silver looked up at the echidna, eyes glistening with un-shed tears. He smiled, a genuine smile.
"Yeah, that sounds nice." He sniffled, and took hold of his friends hand and was led him back into the living room.
While the two of them got comfy on the couch and talked about what they should watch, across town in the local park, Sonic and Shadow sat on a bench near the now frozen lake.
Sonic was nursing a hot cup of coffee, while his dark counterpart sat with his arms crossed, and attention on the frozen water in front of them.
"Mmm, this is good Joe, sure you don't want one? I can dart back to the Cafè if you like?"
"No." The darker hedgehog mumbled.
Sonic shrugged "Fair enough, suit yourself."
"I thought you brought me here to discuss Silver's well being."
The blue hedgehog nodded before taking a sip of his coffee.
"Mmmm, yeah, I did. Ok, Shad, I know you think I don't really have a right to say what's best for him, or even what's best for you. We're not blood. Fair enough, but I care about the both of you a lot. I care about what happens to you both, and I definitely care about what you both are going through, the shit Silvs is going through."
He paused for a moment and looked at his companion, waiting to see if he would be given a sign to continue or shut the fuck up.
Shadow never looked back at him, didn't even nod or shake his head, his gaze was still on the frozen water.
Sighing softly, the blue hedgehog continued.
"I love Silvs, he's my buddy, my lil nephew. I'd be a pretty shitty uncle if I didn't have any concern for his welfare."
He saw Shadow twitch, saw his fingers clench in his lap.
"Don't take what I'm saying as an insult or anything, pal. I'm not criticizing the way you take care of him, I'd never do that. You do so much for him, and it's easy to see you love him so much." He said quickly, hoping it would be enough to settle the dark hedgehog for the moment, help see that he was only trying to help.
Shadow seemed to relax a bit, his fingers no longer clenched, his gaze a little less intense.
Sonic took this as his que to continue.
"I know what you're doing, you're just trying to protect him. I can totally relate to that, I-"
"Really?!" Shadow snapped and quickly stood up, nostrils flaring, fists tight by his side, as if trying restrain himself from hitting the other hedgehog.
"You can 'relate' to how I've been feeling through all of this?! You know what it's like to feel useless? To feel like you betrayed the one person in your life you'd truly die for? To know your promises of protection mean jack shit? To have to constantly remind a person that they're not worthless, be there when they try to hurt themselves as punishment for being a-fuckin-live? This is only the start of a list of things you don't bloody know!" He spat and knocked the coffee out of the blue hedgehogs hand when he made a move to stand up too.
"No! You sit down, you listen to me! You brought me here to discuss my brother and his situation. You stated that you cared about him, want what's best for him. How could you possibly know, or even hint at what could be best for him if you don't even know what goes on in his head, how he feels, what he's doing to himself! You know fuck all!"
The dark hedgehog was panting hard now, his throat felt dry and tight, he could barely breath, he could feel his knees tremble, and when he felt the sting in his eyes, he gave up.
He wasn't bothered trying to keep face anymore, he couldn't keep his emotions back any longer, he was overwhelmed, he couldn't stop himself.
His legs finally gave way, and he fell to his knees, his head in his hands, his sobs muffled. He couldn't hold it back.
Sonic stared for a moment, shocked. This was the first time he'd seen his friend like this, so vulnerable, open. He felt himself tearing up at the sight himself.
Sliding off the bench and kneeling next to the black hedgehog, Sonic gently wrapped and arm around the crying hedgehogs shoulders and pulled him close to his side.
"It's ok, Shad. It's ok. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. That's the last thing I wanted to do." He whispered softly to his weeping friend.
"You're right. I don't know what it feels like to be in your situation. I fucked up with that one. I'm so sorry you've been feeling like that, and I'm sorry you felt you weren't able to trust me, or any of us to talk it out. I know you're supposed to be the strong big bro, can't be seen to be weak for his sake, can't let anyone see that things get to you, in-case that's taken advantage of, but there's only so much someone can take."
Shadow let his hand fall onto his lap, and he finally looked up at Sonic, his sobbing dwindling down to soft pants.
Sonics arm tightened around the older hedgehog when he saw his face. His eyes were puffy, tears stained his cheeks and began to matt his fur. He looked so lost, so vulnerable. Sonic just wanted hug him tight and make the hurt go away.
"Silvs has got you to talk to, you need someone to talk to as well. I'd gladly be that someone, if you wanted."
"Can I trust you?" The ebony hedgehog asked softly, his breathing no longer sharp and quick.
Sonic rested his head against Shadows and he smiled.
"You know you can. I wouldn't let just anyone get away with knocking over my coffee."
He grinned when he heard the dark hedgehog chuckle softly.
"Sorry."
"Don't worry about it. You can always get me another one. Two sugars, no milk. Just saying."
Shadow couldn't help but smile. He usually saw Sonic as an annoyance, but deep down he knew the blue hedgehog as loyal, caring, helpful and eager to please. He really saw him as his friend. Not that he'd ever say that out loud.
"Pfft. Idiot."
"Heh, yeah."
Wiping his face with gloved hands, the dark hedgehog cleared his throat. "I think we should talk another time. I'd like to go home now."
The blue hedgehog nodded and let go of his friend.
The conversation didn't go where it was supposed, much to speedsters disappointment, but that was ok, Shadow needed to get that out, needed to let everything go for a bit.
He needed to see that he did actually have someone to trust in his moments of despair and vulnerability.
Sonic was happy, now that Shadow knew that he would be there for him.
Grinning, the blue hedgehog stood up, and held bent down to help Shadow up.
Sonic gently pat his friend on the shoulder. "Let's get goin' then yeah?"
"Yeah, but first. Mmm, maybe. Hmmm."
Shadow stopped talking, and looked away from the blue hedgehog. He stood awkwardly, wringing his hands.
Sonic had definitely never seen him like this.
It was kinda cute.
"Heh, what is it Shad?"
Sighing softly, Shadow looked back to the blue hedgehog. "Perhaps, on our way back, we could stop in that cafè again. We could pick something up for Silver. He has a sweet tooth, Pain au chocolat is his favourite. Also, I could replace your coffee. Two sugars no milk, yes?"
The blue hedgehog laughed softly. God Shad was being adorable right now. He probably didn't even know it either.
"Yeah, sounds good, buddy." He smiled, and they both began their little walk back to the cafè.
End Chapter 4
