AN: Here's the second chapter, kinda late but better late than never. There were delays from the AGNPH drama and then normal life delays and my inability to get in the mood and just write. In any case if anyone has little jokes to put at the beginning and end of chapters please send them to me. You will get credited if I put them in.
If you want to listen to something cool go get Powerglove's album Saturday Morning Apocalypse. They're a power/speed metal band that do covers of various video game and cartoon soundtracks and they did a metal instrumental version of the first pokémon theme. If that's not awesome enough they have a second version with vocals performed by Tony Kakko of Sonata Arctica!
I think I'm also going to move away from game-based battles. They just aren't that much fun. I'll probably still mock them from time to time though.
Thank you to Guri for helping me beta this.
Chapter 2: In which a plot involving two mysterious organisations, with mutually incompatible goals, begins to be illuminated and Puddle continues with his own mission to see all the pokémon in the world, while collecting badges as a way to further his main goal.
I want to talk about the pokémon themselves. Sometimes they seem more like robots than creatures. How come they can only remember four attacks? And when you teach them you have to 'boot up' a TM or HM, which looks like a CD. Are we just downloading new memories into our pokémon? Or maybe they have some strange form of alzheimers. I've never seen a child learn their way in school.
1, 2, 3, Poof! Simon has forgotten geography and Simon has learned history!
Wow!
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Some HM moves seem a bit strange. I can understand pidgey being able to fly, but being able to carry a human across the country? It's a tiny, little bird! I think lapras would be a good candidate for learning surf but what about horsea? No matter what, you're going to be soaked, but how do you even hold on to it? Your hands will pretty much cover the entire pokémon. And why do I need to teach an onyx rock smash or a machamp strength? Isn't a given they have that sort of ability?
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The other day I was wandering through some long grass when I was attacked by two pokémon at once. I weakened one of them and then tried to throw a pokéball. It wouldn't let me. Apparently, I can't use a pokéball when there are two pokémon. Is my aim really that bad that I can't even throw it at just one of them? I've never missed hitting a lone pokémon with a ball, but, once there are two of them, it just throws me off completely.
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After receiving his pokédex, Puddle travelled to Gonorrhoea a second time, although on this trip he managed to catch a poochyena. He attempted to go sightseeing around the town but was apart from the standard pokémon centre, mart and gym, there were only four other houses in the town.
"Excuse me," began Puddle, attracting the attention of a wandering Gonorrhoean. "Is there anything to do in this town?"
"Well, apart from the gym, not really. This town was only built to serve as a base for those who want to climb Mount Vagina. There's been a lot of activity up there recently but no one comes down into the town other than to buy supplies."
"Well it seems like the best place to go then. How do I get there?"
"It's off to the west. You can follow the path, but don't get off, there are wild pokémon in the bush."
The sky was bright blue as Puddle walked past a weeping willow, on a stream bank, on his way to Mount Vagina. By staying on the path, he was able to avoid contact with the aggressive wildlife. Some pokémon growled at him from the safety of the grass but none dared take a step out of it.
Once the path began to slope upwards, Puddle noticed a man standing to the side. He paid no mind to him but he'd scarcely taken a step past the man when he felt compelled to stop walking. The man who had been standing to the side jumped with excitement, rushed in front of Puddle and pushed him back.
"You can't proceed any further," growled the man. "This area is out of bounds while my team is busy."
"What are they doing there that no one can go through?" asked Puddle. " I came all this way already."
"I can't tell you what they're doing! That's secret. If everyone knew we were testing our ultra ram someone would try to stop us."
"An ultra ram?"
"Argh! I didn't say that!" exclaimed the man. "There's no ultra ram! Don't tell anyone I said anything."
"I'm pretty sure you did but I can't tell anyone cause I don't know who you are," sighed Puddle.
"I'm Flyngo, Team Shuttle grunt. Wooosh!"
Puddle had to jump back as Flyngo made a sweeping salute. Knowing who he was made Flyngo's apparel less confusing. It was a slightly off-white uniform with a blue 'S' on the chest and gold detailing on the edges.
"Tell you what," began Puddle, "if you let me through, I'll ignore anything I see and not tell anyone about this conversation."
"...I can't let you through. Those are my orders."
"Then perhaps I'll tell the police what's going on here," Puddle threatened, though Flyngo just gave a smirk.
"The police can't stop Team Shuttle. We'll be gone long before you can get the police here."
"Oh come on!" exclaimed Puddle, frustrated with the unexpected roadblock and stumbling over his words in his excited state. "All I want to do is Mount Vagina! I've never done it before and the most fun thing to do around here is Mount Vagina!"
"Well you can't! We're in it now. Later we'll be done and then you can Mount Vagina!" shouted back Flyngo, also speaking too fast to keep up with himself. "Just go back to Gonorrhoea and keep yourself busy until you can Mount Vagina!"
Frustrated and realising he wasn't getting anywhere trying to talk to Flyngo, Puddle turned around and retraced his steps, cursing the path blocker.
Back in Gonorrhoea and with nothing interesting to do, Puddle decided he might as well travel to the town gym and see whether he could win a badge.
"At least I'll be able to fill in a few entries on the pokédex while I wait for that idiot to get out the way," he said to himself.
He patted the pokeballs on his belt, wondering how his pokémon would do in a high-level battle. He was pretty sure Chikorita would do okay but, without any proper training, Poochyena was a bit of a risk. He didn't have too long to worry about it though before he was at the gym. Gonnorrhoea was a small town, excluding the gym Puddle only counted five houses although he had noticed quite a large number of people wandering around.
"Gonnorrhoea Gym," read Puddle. "Official Pokémon League gym. Leader: Clarence The Splashtacular."
"Step right up! Step right up!"
No sooner had Puddle entered the gym that a man in a top hat and yellow, sequinned jacket ran up to him.
"Step right up to win the Gonorrhoea gym badge!" proclaimed the man.
"I want the badge," Puddle declared, stepping forward.
"Very good, then follow me."
The strange announcer led Puddle down a path through the centre of the gym to a table. On the table was a bucket of water-balloons and beyond it were three muddy signs.
"Two of those signs lead to a battle with a gym trainer while the third allows you to proceed unmolested. Use the water-balloon to make your choice."
Puddle raised an eyebrow as he reached into the bucket and took a balloon.
"Is all this really necessary?" he asked. "Why can't I just go battle the gym leader?"
"In the old days that used to be possible," replied the announcer, his jacket twinkling, "but recently the Pokémon League began showing a preference for gyms with the most ridiculous designs possible and so this..."
The announcer spun around, arms thrown wide to the gym. In the middle of his twirl he stepped the remains of a dropped balloon and, with a cry, fell to the floor.
"I'm okay..."
Puddle gave a sigh and focussed on the concealed signs. He took aim at the one on the left and threw the balloon.
Splash!
The mud was washed away and revealed the message, "Proceed."
The announcer climbed to his feet and congratulated Puddle. "Well done. You may go to the second table now."
At the next table Puddle was faced with four dirt-covered signs.
"There is still only one proceed sign," explained the announcer, "but now there are three chances to face a gym trainer. Are you feeling lucky?"
"Not since I got my pokémon. It's seemed like the world has been conspiring against me."
"It can't be all that bad."
"Maybe you're right," agreed Puddle. "Being away from home is bound to be tough at first. How much worse could things possibly get?"
Puddle threw a water-balloon against the uppermost sign. Too wet to keep it's hold the dirt was washed away to reveal Puddle's second command to proceed.
"Lucky, lucky, lucky!" cheered the announcer. "Just one more table before you face the gym leader."
As expected, at the next table there were five muddied signs, only one of which exempted him from an unnecessary battle. This time however when he cleared the surface of one of the signs he saw a new message, "Battle!"
Puddle cursed, not wanting to have his pokémon weakened for the gym battle, and looked around for the trainer.
"Where is he?" queried Puddle.
"Above you," answered the announcer, quickly ducking under the table.
Puddle glanced up just in time to see a massive water balloon get released from the roof.
"Gah!"
He raised his hands to protect himself but there was nothing he could do to stop the giant rubber ball from striking the floor and sending a heavy cascade of water over him. Puddle groaned as his wet clothes stuck to his skin and his shoes squelched as he shifted his weight.
"There's no time to dry off," came a voice, "Let's battle!"
There had been a woman inside the balloon, dressed in SCUBA gear, who was now glaring at Puddle, a pokéball held in her raised arm.
Swimmer Victoria has challenged Puddle to a battle.
Swimmer Victoria has sent out Staryu.
Puddle sent out Chikorita.
"I've got type advantage, you should just give up," suggested Puddle, though Victoria ignored him.
Foe Staryu used water-gun. It's not very effective.
Chikorita appeared almost totally unharmed from the attack, shaking it off and actually looking healthier than before.
"Thanks," called out Puddle. "I'd been meaning to water him. Show them your razor leaf, Chikorita."
"Chiko!"
Chikorita used razor leaf. It's super-effective.
Foe Staryu was defeated. Chikorita has gained 466 exp. Swimmer Victoria was defeated. Puddle receives ₤300 for winning.
"If the gym leader is anything like this, this will be an easy badge."
"It seems like you're all ready to face the gym leader," the announcer told Puddle. "He's just through that door there. This is where we part though, so good luck."
Before Puddle had a chance to say anything the announcer spun around in a circle a few times and then seemed to just be plucked up into the sky and disappear.
"Well that was... odd," observed Puddle.
He didn't spend much time contemplating the announcer's peculiar disappearance though, choosing instead to make his way through the previously-indicated door.
The site for the gym battle was set up for all sorts of types to be able to move freely. There were two strips of grass down either end of the battlefield, a channel of water across the centre and the roof above the field was open to the sky.
"I've been expecting you," came the, rather familiar, voice of the gym leader.
"Of course you have! You showed me in here!" exclaimed Puddle, staring at the 'announcer'.
"That still doesn't change the fact that I've been expecting you. Anyway, I am Clarence, the splashtacular gym leader of Gonorrhoea. To earn a gym badge you will have to defeat me."
"I'm ready!"
"We will each use two pokémon. Let's battle!"
Gym Leader Clarence has challenged Puddle to a battle.
Gym Leader Clarence sent out Poliwag.
Puddle sent out Chikorita.
"Chikorita, use your tackle!"
Chikorita used tackle.
"Look out!" Clarence called to Poliwag. "Try to dodge it!"
Poliwag made an attempt to get out of the way but had started on the land in front of Chikorita and wasn't able to move fast enough. It got hit hard by Chikorita and slid along the ground before landing with a plop in the water.
"That was a mistake on your part," mocked Clarence, "Poliwag is much better suited to battling in the water. Poliwag, show them your bubble."
Foe Poliwag used bubble.
"Chiko?" Chikorita tilted his head in confusion as a single bubble floated towards him. When it finally got closer he reached forward and tapped it with his nose.
Pop.
"Chikorita, you can win this easily, use your vine whip to hit under the water."
Despite a good attempt at dodging by Poliwag, Chikorita's two vines sliced through the water until colliding with the tadpole pokémon and knocking it out in a double strike.
Chikorita used vine whip. It's super effective.
Foe Poliwag was defeated. Chikorita gained 760exp. Chikorita levelled up.
"I'm going to use Dewgong next," called out Clarence. "If you want to change your pokémon, do it now."
"Chikorita will beat your Dewgong as well. Send it out." replied Puddle.
Gym Leader Clarence sent out Dewgong.
"Chikorita, cut that dewgong with your razor leaf!" ordered Puddle.
The grass pokémon span the leaf on its head, sending a series of spinning leaves zooming towards the water pokémon. Dewgong made an attempt to dodge by diving into the water but was too slow and most of the leaves struck its tail as it dived.
Chikorita used razor leaf. It's super effective.
"Let's see how your grass type likes this then... Dewgong, ice beam!"
Dewgong raised his head above the water and sent a beam of chilled energy in Chikorita's direction. Still hurting from the leaves embedded in his blubber, Dewgong's aim was off slightly and he only succeeded in freezing the wall behind his target.
Foe Dewgong used ice beam. The attack missed.
'That's not good,' thought Puddle. 'If that attack hits Chikorita will be knocked out.'
"Chikorita," called out Puddle, "you have to be careful. Use leach seed to wear it down."
Chikorita used leach seed. Foe Dewgong was seeded.
"Ha! It worked!" Puddle cheered.
"That doesn't matter. It's still too late. Use ice beam again!"
This time Dewgong jumped onto the land before launching his attack. Chikorita was hit directly and in a few seconds was encased in a block of solid ice.
Foe Dewgong used ice beam. It's super effective.
Chikorita fainted.
Foe Dewgong's energy is being drained.
Although the leach seed was working as intended Chikorita was unconscious and that only left Puddle one more pokémon.
"Go Poochyena. Let's see how you battle."
Puddle sent out Poochyena.
Although he was weaker and possessed less experience than Dewgong, Poochyena was nimble and faster than the large seal.
"Bite!"
Poochyena used bite. Foe Dewgong flinched.
The surprise of the small dog's speed and the painful bite temporarily stunned Dewgong, stopping him from countering with his own attack.
Foe Dewgong's energy is being drained.
"He's getting weaker," Puddle called out encouragingly. "Keep at it. Bite again."
Poochyena used bite.
"Ice beam, Dewgong!"
Foe Dewgong used ice beam.
The second bite, although painful was not nearly as much of a surprise and Dewgong had no problem shrugging it off to launch his attack. The dark-type dog was quickly coated in ice but was more resistant than Chikorita and managed to shake a lot of it off. Poochyena was painting heavily, frost glistening in his fur and barely able to battle. Dewgong too was a mess, with Chikorita's leaves in his tail, two painful bites on his flesh and one leach seed whose green tendrils were wrapped around him.
Foe Dewgong's energy is being drained.
Foe Dewgong fainted.
At first Puddle wasn't sure what had happened but then he realised that Chikorita's leach seed had sapped the last of Dewgong's power.
"I win!"
Poochyena gained 1944exp. Poochyena levelled up.
Puddle receives ₤2000 for winning.
Puddle approached the gym's exit, badge in one hand and, much to his disappointment, a TM for splash in the other.
"Hey you."
Puddle turned to see a shifty looking man with what looked suspiciously like a condom on his head. "Me?"
"Yeah. I saw you beat Clarence back there. It was quite impressive..."
"Thank you."
"...For someone with only two pokémon. Particularly when one had never been a battle before. I thought you were just an idiot."
"…"
"But I can't pass up talent like yours, if that's what it was. I can't tell you everything now but I can tell you that Foxtrot Squadron needs your help. There is an group known as Team Shuttle who are trying to break the fourth wall. Foxtrot Squadron exists to prevent them. Go to Syphilis and find Robert. He can tell you more."
"But what's the fourth wall? How will I find Robert?"
"I don't have time to explain, just know that if you want to save the world you must find Robert."
Not lingering any longer the shady man spun around a few times and then vanished.
"Not again..." moaned Puddle. "How does that keep happening to people?"
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Don't forget to bring your apricorns to Kurt so that he can make them into special balls. Um... come again? How is a fruit a useful starting point for making a pokéball? For one thing, apart from as bait, when has a person held up a banana and said, 'This will be useful for catching things?' And pokéballs seem to be rather technical. The are motorised and sync with computers and all sorts of things that an apricorn just can't do!
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What's the best argument for a fixed and unchangeable fate or destiny? I'd have to say it's the pokémon games. Not only does it remove any notion of freedom of actions but it almost acts like Nietzsche's demon, telling you that your life has no meaning and will be replayed for all eternity. Still people play it, so apparently if hell were marketed better it would be a resort destination.
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How come we never get to buy Safari Zone balls at the local pokémart? They can catch level 40 pokémon at full health. They're probably just below the Master Ball in strength but you're not allowed to make proper use of them.
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