Chapter 31
Jack awoke to an all too familiar situation. He was tangled in a parachute and dangling from a tree. Despite his best efforts he couldn't slip out of it and get on the ground. "Why does this always happen to me?" he grumbled tired of struggling and taking a break in favor of observing his surroundings. The first two things he notice was that he was in a garden and it was light out, but neither made sense to him as he crashed into the castle and it didn't feel like enough time passed for it to be morning. Upon looking around more he discovered there were walls around him and a roof above him with a hole in it where he broke through. "An indoor garden? What a waste of all this space. There is enough room for a few dozen slot machines, a few blackjack and poker tables, and some tables for roulette and craps. Oh, and over there we've have the floor show with a whole bunch of beauties."
"My ears are burning," chimed Chan Lee. "Is somebody talking about me?"
"Oh, please," begged Jack. "Not him. Anybody but him."
"Oh," Chan Lee groaned with disappointment. "It's just you, ugly. What are you doing in my room?"
"You're room?" replied Jack looking around again. "Why would you want to have a room that looks like the outside? I knew you were weird, but you've even topped that whole fan thing from before."
"Nature is beauty in its purest form. I love to surround myself with it as it adds to my own fabulous looks. And as for my fan, I still have it," he replied pulling it out of his kimono prepared to smack Jack if he misbehaved.
"No, wait," cried Jack afraid that he'd be beaten like a piñata at this rate. "Let's call a truce. I don't want any trouble."
"A truce, but why," asked Chan Lee. "And why did you come here, through my roof nonetheless?"
"Well I couldn't get here any other way," he stated slowly trying to say something convincing to his adversary. "But after you left I knew you were right. You are true beauty and I'm just ugly, but I was hoping that with your help I could be beautiful too."
"You do?" squealed the pig joyously and he started to prance around. "If only all the uglies in the world could admit their faults and come to me for help."
"So you'll do it?" asked Jack unable to believe such a horrible lie was taken so easily. Chan Lee's own vanity made it impossible for him to question what he was being told.
"I will take the job. No matter how long it takes or how hopeless it will be. I will make you beautiful."
"Great," said Jack feeling a blow to his ego.
"I'm serious," added Chan Lee. "Even if it takes months, years, or a lifetime, I will make you easy on the eyes."
"I can't be that bad," argued Jack flailing about. "Let's just get this over with now so could you please get me down?"
Freeing Jack from his predicament, Chan Lee say him down on a reclined chair and got to work gathering supplies he'd need to help Jack. In the meantime, the Impmon was looking around the room for an exit. With all the trees, flowers, and gardens obstructing his view it was difficult to see all the way across the room, but he did manage to notice a couple doors. The only question he had left was which to choose. There was no guarantee what was going to be on the other side and if he chose wrong it could be the end of him. On top of that, there was no way he could continue deceiving Chan Lee for long. He was already at wits end just tolerating him and he'd snap from much more. But he figured that if he was getting a beauty treatment it would at least help him to relax.
"I'm all set to begin," Chan Lee said as he brought a tray over and put it beside Jack.
"Then what's first?" he asked laying back and getting comfortable.
"We'll start with that face of yours," he answered. "That impish grin and those mean looking eyes not to mention that pale rough skin full of wrinkles. I'm surprised that face hasn't cracked every mirror that's ever reflected you in it."
"My luck feels like it might've," muttered Jack under his breath. "So what's the cure?"
"To replenish the skin some cucumber juice," he answered. "And to help your eyes, some lemon slices."
"Wait a minute," Jack interrupted knowing something was wrong with what he heard. "Shouldn't it be cucumbers on my eyes and lemon juice on my skin?"
"Don't worry," ensured Chan Lee. "I do this to myself every day so I know what I'm doing."
"But the lemon juice in my eyes," stuttered Jack. "It'll burn like Hell."
"To be beautiful is to suffer," shouted Chan Lee passionately confirming Jack's suspicion that he was truly insane. He got to work delicately dabbing the cucumber juice across Jack's face and then grabbed the lemon slices. Jack couldn't run away yet, not while he was at Chan Lee's mercy. All he could do was sit there and take it. As the lemons were put on his eyes the juice seemed into his eyes irritating them with their painful acidic juices irritating them and giving his intense discomfort making him spasm and scream in agony.
After a few minutes, Chan Lee removed the lemons from Jack's irritated eyes. "Are we done?" he asked hopefully, though Jack's past experience made him certain it wasn't.
"You're face is, but now let's see about those nails," Chan Lee replied taking out a nail file and grabbed one of Jack's legs. "Soap must not exist in your vocabulary. Your soles are so dirty I'll have to wash them later, but for now, your nails."
Smoothing out Jack's nails was more pleasant than the last experience, though there was a slight pain when Chan Lee attempted to dig out the dirty he had under them. Once his feet were done, his fingernails were next. His gloves were removed and place at his side as they were all made neat and even. When they were complete Jack was given a moment to marvel at them. It was the first time he ever had his nails clipped with something other than his teeth and he had to admit they did look nice.
"I must say you do nice work," admitted Jack. "So what's next?"
"Well I do pride myself," he replied happily. "But a makeover wouldn't be complete without a hot towel on the face."
"That'll be nice and relaxing," yawned Jack feeling at ease until he saw the towel. Held by tongs, the towel felt so blazing hot at a distance it might as well have been on fire. Jack was sweating just looking at it. "Isn't that a little bit too hot?"
"Of course not," explained Chan Lee. "It was heading to a mere 10,000 F, the optimal beauty treatment temperature. It will melt all the ugly right out of you."
"Along with all my skin," cried Jack seeing he had to fight back. He grabbed the lemon slices he was using earlier and squeezed the juice hitting Chan Lee in the eyes. "Take that you psycho!"
"Is that supposed to hurt me?" laughed Chan Lee as his eyes became bloodshot red and tears poured down his face. "My beauty treatment cannot hurt me." Jack was left speechless at how stubbornly he denied the agony he was in and forced Jack use more extreme measures.
"How about a closer look at my feet?" asked Jack shoving them right in Chan Lee's face. "They can't be that bad, can they?"
"Ugh! The most disgusting things I've ever seen," he wretched and backed off unable to even look at them. "Hideousness personified. It makes me want to vomit. To be honest I might not be able to fix them. Would you be alright with amputation?" There was no response and when Chan Lee opened his eyes cautiously he saw Jack was running for a door with all his might. Chan Lee couldn't deny anymore that he had been duped. Grabbing his fans he spun them around and released he hidden blades. "By far the ugliest thing is deception. I won't allow such a thing to invade my sanctuary."
Throwing his fan like a Frisbee, it sliced through everything in its path like a hot knife through butter. Its trajectory, at first, appeared to be off course, but it curved straight towards Jack. A poorly placed rock tripped him up and sent him tumbling, but it also spared his life as the fan soared where his head had been moments before. Looking back, Jack was able to see the devastation that weapon had done.
"I don't want to be beheaded!" cried Jack scrambling to his feet and rushing to the door faster than before.
"It'll only be an improvement," cried Chan Lee as he continued to chase after him. He held his hand out and grabbed his fan as it continued to curve back at him so he could grab it midair. Jack fled through the door before Chan Lee had a chance for another attack much to his dismay, but it did not discourage him from pursing.
"What's with this place?" asked Jack now finding himself now in a room filled with mirrors like a fun house. All around him was his reflection and seeing so many was a bit disturbing. "So many mirrors. This is either a trap or self indulgence personified. But seriously, who needs this many mirrors? That guy is just crazy, but I have to admit, my skin had new looked so soft and smooth." He took a moment to marvel at his appearance, but recalled his situation didn't leave him any time for glamour. With all the mirrors he'd get lost in this room fast and chose to leave while he could, but the door wasn't there. He figured there was a mirror on this side of the door and now he had no way of finding it. With Chan Lee closing in, all he could do was venture deeper into the mirror room, a task easier said than done as he kept bumping into the mirrors.
"How dare you enter my sanctuary," spat Chan Lee entering. "If you looked bad before you won't want to look in the mirror again after I'm through with you." Jack remained silent as he continued to move. He couldn't tell where Chan Lee was so easily with sight, but his ears couldn't be fools. The same was true for Chan Lee, but Jack wasn't stupid enough to open his big mouth. "What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?"
Listening carefully, Jack spotted his opponent just ahead of him, but he still couldn't escape and he couldn't fight. He wasn't strong like Flint and Rex and his own ability required him to be a lot closer, too close for his comfort, but then he recalled the Happy Sack he brought and all the items he had inside of it.
"There has to be something in here I can use," he thought reaching around inside. He pulled out an egg and while it wasn't going to win a fight he could start a prank war and try to win that. With his fingers crossed he tossed the egg hitting Chan Lee in the back of the head.
"Yuck!" he cried feeling the egg hit and feel the gooey substance drip down the back of his head.
"That's gross and it smells like a rotten egg." Wiping it off and examining the good he confirmed his suspicious. "It is a rotten egg! Now I'm really pissed." Turning to the direction that he was hit, he raced off the find Jack never expecting his favorite room to give him such grief. Jack, being the clever trickster he was already rushed away from that spot, but left another trick in his wake, a little box surround by a bunch of jacks.
Looking at it curiously, Chan Lee assumed it was a diversion to keep him from chasing Jack, but he refused to fall for it. However, he couldn't resist what was in the box and with his ninja prowess avoided stepping on any of the jacks as he made his way to the box and lifted it up.
"What could be in here now?" he asked as he placed a hand on the lid and pulled it off. It didn't open, though the lid moved a bit. When it did he felt a jolt of electricity surge through his arms making him drop the box and fall backwards onto the jacks. He shouted in pain and thrashed about. Still, the damage was minor as his ego was more bruised than his body. "These little gimmicks won't save you from my wrath!" Seeing as the mirrors were the only thing keeping Jack safe, he decided to sacrifice a lifetime of luck in favor of finding his prey. Making a fist, he punched a mirror where Jack's reflection was shattering it to pieces and then he did the same for all the other mirrors in reach. "I'll find the real you eventually."
"This doesn't leave me much time then," whispered Jack as he got to work laying down some more traps. Every time he heard a mirror shatter he knew it was another second less than he had to get prepared. He needed a super prank if he was going to survive. If he ever needed to prove he was a member of Team Matrix and not filler, now was his chance.
Mirror shards filled Chan Lee's vanity room as he smashed nearly all the mirrors and he finally located Jack down a long corridor with no way out. "Found you," he cried, grabbing his razor fans he threw the first aiming for Jack's neck and then the second right after at his knees. As they soared they moved in a horizontal arch pattern back and forth preventing him from moving to the side to avoid getting sliced and half. Their height was another problem, the first was too high to jump and the second prevented him from ducking. The only means of escape left to him was to leap through the gap in the middle, but the room was minimal and his timing had to be very precise. "Prepare to get minced."
"No way," argued Jack. "I'm a member of Team Matrix and that means winning by doing as much stupid, crazy stuff as possible. The most logical thing I could do is to get through the narrow opening probably getting cut a bit, but surviving, but I'm going to be stupid and punch them."
"So even your brain is ugly with stupidity," laughed Chan Lee. "That will never work." Ignoring his words, Jack pulled his fist back, preparing a punch as the first blade neared him. He swung his fist, likely to have his arm cut off before his torso, but a stroke of incredibly stupid luck, he avoided the blades and hit the fan itself, hitting it back a second fan. On impact, they minced one another leaving Jack completely unscathed and dropping Chan Lee's jaw to the ground. "You've got to be kidding me."
"Ha!" shouted Jack as he panted heavily and perspired all the tension he had been holding in. "You don't have jack on Jack."
"You do realize I am going to just beat you with my bear hands now," commented Chan Lee walking towards him more furious than ever.
"Oh, right," whimpered Jack. "I didn't land the finishing blow yet. Way too soon to gloat."
Moving in for the kill, Chan Lee was fully focused on Jack like he was the most stubborn ugly stain he had even seen in his life. He was intent of getting rid of him once and for all, so much so he didn't notice the trip wire at his feet. He sprung it and whoopee cushions from the ceiling. As he kept moving, he stepped on them and setting them off. He lost his footing and tripped landing on some more that cushioned his fall. Seeing such a humorous scene had Jack burst into laughter.
"Yeah, enjoy your last laughs," growled Chan Lee. "All the pranks in the world won't save you now." He paused for a moment to sniff the air finding something foul and rotten mixed in. "Oh, what is that rank odor? Wait a minute, the whoopee cushions. What did you put in them?"
"Some things are better left unsaid," answered Jack holding out his hand, his pointer finger pointed toward the ceiling.
Devil Spark
A tiny flame appeared on Jack's finger. Flinging it like a booger, the little ember floated towards Chan Lee and the horrible gas. Immediately, Chan Lee Jack's true intent, but had no way to stop it. The small flame exploded when it came into contact with the gas, engulfing Chan Lee. Once all the gas fuel was burned up the flames dissipated leaving a charred body smelling of tasty bacon behind. Jack felt it was a bit overkill to use an attack like this, but it was all he could come up with on such short notice and he was pleased with the results.
"If I didn't get those whoopee cushions prepared before I jumped from the plane I'd probably be dead now," said Jack solemnly. "Instead, he's the one who's dead."
"I'm not dead yet!" shouted Chan Lee getting up once more despite his injuries. "You have cause me so much damage, the most too my beauty. I will get you this time and no stupid tricks will stop me now."
"But I don't have any more," cried Jack opening his happy sack in search of more prank stuff. "I didn't think you'd be getting up again or that I'd make it this far either."
"Then you are out of luck," stated Chan Lee rushing Jack as he continued to search for something to defend himself with. Unfortunately, all he could find was useless gags that wouldn't help him out. As he looked up out of the bag he saw Chan Lee was on top of him and there was nothing he could do.
Dropping the happy sack and raising his hands to surrender he pleaded, "I'm sorry! I surrender!" His words didn't work on Chan Lee as he ran at him. One step away from reaching Jack, he roared with fury, but suddenly went quiet and vanished. Looking around, Jack couldn't spot any sign of him. "What just happened? He didn't have any reason to pull any stunts like vanishing at this point."
Looking around, Jack noticed the happy sack he dropped at his feet and picked it up suspecting something, but finding it hard to believe. He tried peeking into it when it suddenly started to shake about.
"What's the meaning of this?" shouted Chan Lee from inside the bag. "Let me out of here!"
Panicking, Jack threw the bag back on the ground and started to pound his fits on the bag with all his might. He attacked relentlessly, refusing to stop until he was exhausted and his fists were sore. Then he picked it up and dumped out the contents including his opponent to see if it was truly over this time. Seeing the swollen face and pulverized body of Chan Lee spill out proved to him it was. One thing was certain, he wasn't gorgeous anymore.
"I did it," ranted Jack knowing Chan Lee was not getting up again. "I won. Heh! Oh, yeah! So this is what it feels like to kick butt. I like it. I like it a lot. You don't have jack on Jack!"
Marching out of the mirror room triumphantly he felt great. Normally a meat shield or the comic relief, he was glad he finally got to do something important and he actually made it out without so much as a scratch.
"Maybe my luck is finally changing for the better," he thought as he opened the door leading back to the previous room. There he found dozens of ninja guards waiting for him, weapons pointed at him. He held up his hands to surrender. "Well that was short lived."
