Ferro was a worthless useless Verling. The only reason they were able to get out of their parents home was by dedicating themselves to someone who could take care of them. And they even managed to screw that up.
These thoughts flooded into their head the moment they opened their eyes. They had slept so peacefully, but now that was over. Their friend Radium was at their side. Still resting against them. Touching them. He had said he loved them more than once.
Perhaps, that was Ferro’s greatest trait. People loved them even though they never really deserved it. Sterling loved them and they cheated. Ferro didn’t even remember Radiums name when he spoke his love. Tawny was like the mother Ferro never had, she gave them a life in the form of the Driftwood. And now she was… she was go- She couldn't be with them right now.
Ferro eyes the adorable form of Radium. So peaceful in his slumber, he looked happy even as he was sleeping. But that was crazy, how could someone be happy before they’re even awake. How could someone be happy with Ferro? The thought crept in then, latched it’s hooks into their mind and began tearing them apart.
None of this was right, they didn’t deserve this.
It bore deeper and deeper. They tried to be still as their heart rate soared, calming themselves the only way they’ve been taught.
“My life is better now, my life is better…”
They tried to pull away. Slowly to not wake their friend. But their arm was stuck under his body. And just like that, the feeling came back. The feeling that came with love. Trapped. Like they were tangled in a mess of seaweed. Ferro chanted faster, “My life is better, my life-”. But it was no relief, how could it be? They put their free hand on Radium, ready to give a hard shove.
But in a rare bout of self control, they stopped themselves. Instead, shaking Radium awake. “Y-you need to get off of me!” Ferro’s voice was a frenetic ragged rumble. Radium rubbed the sleep from his eyes for a moment, rolling over when Ferro’s message finally licked his consciousness.
“Wha- What’s wrong Ferro?” Radium asked it with the innocence of someone coming back to a conscious world. And it stung at Ferro. So much that they start tearing up as they speak.
“I, I was going to push you away again, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you, you shouldn’t have to deal with me!”
“Ferro, you pushing me would be the least of my worries, I mean look at you.” Radium puts a paw on their back in an attempt to comfort them. “You're sweating so hard I can see it through your fur, your breathing is ragged and you're crying! Ferro, what’s going on?”
Ferro scrambles to the edge of the bed, before stumbling onto the floor. Shaky legs taking them across the room to their bag. “I-I think I just need to take my medicine…” It was shameful what they were doing. Ferro knew that better than anyone. But they just couldn’t be in this right now, they just needed to get back to the place they were last night.
The jar was in their paw. They took off the lid, inspecting the golden drug sliding slowly off the dropper. Their tongue salivated as if it were a real treat. The drug was sweet, sure, but with heavy bitter traces they didn’t enjoy tasting. They stuck out their tongue and raised the dropper. This wasn’t about taste anyways, it was something they needed right now.
The next moment Ferro’s paws were empty, snatched away by a furious Radium. “What are you doing Ferro?”
“That’s- that’s the medicine the court gave me?”
“I’m not stupid Ferro, I know Hearth Honey when I see it.” Radium shakes his head. “I can’t believe you’d try to lie to me.”
Ferro attempts to snatch the jar back from Radium. But finds themselves lacking physically. Their paws were shaking, and uncoordinated. Much more than they usually were. “Fine... I lied. But is it so wrong for me to have something that makes me happy after a lifetime of suffering?”
Radium pinned Ferro against the wall. They were surprised with how much strength the little Verling possessed. “This isn’t a valid way to cope, Ferro. This is going to kill you.” Radium’s expression softens a bit, as does his grip and tone. “If you care about me at all, please stop…”
Ferro is silent for a while. Long moments filled with the same dark thoughts that tore into them when they woke. That, and a deep growing resentment. “You know, I do care about you… and it’s the same as everyone who I’ve ever cared about.” An uncharacteristic rage filled Ferro. “I’m always not good enough as I am, and I need to change to have their love, well you know what?” Ferro eyes the glittering jar of honey in Radiums hand. “I don’t need people like you to feel loved anymore...”
An exasperated huff leaves Radiums mouth, before the jar leaves his paw. Flying across the room until it shatters on a concrete wall. He didn’t yell, he sounded almost sullen, defeated. “Get out of my home Ferro, I don’t want to watch you kill yourself...”
Radium releases his grasp on Ferro. They collected themselves and what is left of their stuff before exiting the apartment. Ferro shook their head as they cleared the doorframe. Getting another jar was going to be expensive, but at least they didn’t have friends to judge them anymore.