Today I feel particularly upset, but I drew this a few days ago.
I got hired, very suddenly. Just about 2 weeks ago. The entry level position is fine, and the employers were quite desperate to get someone to fill the slot.
I have to stress that I haven't felt like 'woe is me, I have a job now and I have no time'. It isn't like that at all--It is not about the idea of work taking up time that's bothering me!
It's the fact that even before I was employed, increasingly more and more across the past 5 years, that it seems that others somehow have a well of experiences to draw from, and to excuse themselves with--but somehow, it's gotten busier and busier for everyone else.
I'm fortunate that the position I find myself in, in general, means I have a lot more freedom and less responsibilities. Now financial issues will clear up...but what about after that? Yeah, don't get me wrong--I'm glad to work where I do, I bet I could stay here for a long time. I practically couldn't ask for more in a general sense.
But here we are, harder than ever to play with anyone else. I'm quite happy with my free time. I don't feel stressed to do things, or go in to work whenever they want provided I get enough sleep/food etc, but every day that goes by, the more I realize that art, or writing, or whatever, is just not fulfilling my social need.
It was hard to play with anyone else, it's just gotten harder, and it'll probably get harder. There is no amount of hours I can work, or money I can gain, to realistically achieve the goals of playing with other people. If I realize this is where my loneliness stems from, then art for others is just a shallow replacement as well. You can't pay people to play with you. And if you could, they wouldn't be worth playing with.
The slow realization that this is how things are always going to be has been bothering me a lot. To re-iterate: It is not due to work itself that makes me feel as upset as I do. I like my job, don't mind working the hours I do and am satisfied with my own free time. But everyone else...I get to hear about how they're doing this and that, and meanwhile, stupid ol' Jarr wants to do something weird and kinky or co-operative for a game you don't own nor have interest in playing...
I'm also realizing that me feeling upset is making others upset. But bottling it up would make me feel more upset, to the point where I feel like self-destructive tendencies really do loom right over the horizon. I
If I could mechanically enjoy things just by myself and be happy that way forever, I might think about it. It's not an option to me though...Just as everyone else seems to have conviction in their beliefs, I do as well--but that conviction is suggested to be put aside when it involves other people.
I really think I want to graduate from platforms altogether. Probably just give up on making money off of art. I would say my time here is 'over', but is it really? Does anyone really leave furry sites? Besides, did my period of effectiveness ever begin? I can't even remember. Did I ever post anything other than sketches, and call myself a comic artist or a story teller the whole time?
What an asshole...
I just want to graduate past platforms, content ratings, content restrictions, all that sort of stuff...All sort of stuff that those who I want to play with don't particularly feel like thinking about.
Once I stop feeling like life is secretly a lonely hell, I'll stop acting like it and you won't have to hear me complain again. Until then, you know what you're getting into by choosing to hang around me.
10 months, 1 week ago
15 Jul 2021 18:36 CEST
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