"Hello and welcome to the Cheeto in Speedos cast. I'm your host Shams Hunter and this week we have three very special guests. Care to introduce yourselves?"
"Hi, I'm Chase Hunter, and I'm your host's dad."
"I'm Leo Alvarez, and I'm your host's other dad."
"And I'm Kudzu, also your dad."
"Wow, so many dads! Anyone else?"
"'fraid not bicho. Its been just the three of us, me and my chulas."
"One might even say that's why we're here, to explain how it was to raise you in such a household."
"And you are absolutely right, gray dad. First off, lets begin with the million dollar question: how did you three decide to live together and how exactly do you manage to keep this unique relationship going?"
"Well, it started first with me and Leo. We grew up together in Echo and began dating when I was 15 and he was 17. Our relationship was pretty solid but effectively ended on 2012 over some disagreements about how I'd lead my life-"
"And how you'd pranked about cheating on me and how I went ballistic about it, don't forget that."
"Anyways, I went to Payton for college and returned to Echo in 2015, for a project."
"Ah yes, the ghost shit. Was what inspired me to do this podcast in the first place."
"And when I returned I knew my feelings for Leo didn't disappear and that he still loved me. Like, a lot, he even had hallucinations about me, half of his history was wolf/otter porn, et cetera".
"And I regret nothing."
"So we decided to give it another shot, and as we did that we met Kudzu, which was Leo's neighbour at the time. Then, as you know, crazy shit started happening, and Leo was affected by it. Kudzu meanwhile stood by my side and I gradually fell in love with him. But I still loved Leo, and when it was time to leave that hell hole he gave me an ultimatum, about whereas we were still in a relationship or not. I responded with an ultimatum of my own, whereas he truly loved me and let me be free or whereas he'd rather get stuck on Echo."
"Wew, so basically you were dishing out threats at each other? That's kind of hard to believe, given how sweet you are."
"Bicho, to get to that said sweetness we went through a lot of blood and tears. Mostly metaphorical ones. But not all."
"The days following our escape from Echo were a bit blurry, but at some point I decided to have both Kudzu and Leo in my life. Leo, naturally, was pissed-"
"You're my little nuclear wolf. Anyways, there was a lot of turmoil between the two of us, but we decided to give it a shot. We went through several couples therapies and online advice on how to live in a poly relationship, and slowly Leo started to get into it."
"Mostly because he has a cuck fetish."
"Hey! Its true but still!"
"Even then all three of us when through cycles of jealousy and perceived underappreciation, so even though the arguments slowly died down it became clear we needed some sort of anchor in our relationship. So, some three years after the three of us started dating, you came into our lives."
"In retrospect we understand that this was an extremely reckless move and one that was probably unnecessary given how things were smoothing over before it, so we apologize for potentially jeopardising your life and happiness."
"Apology accepted. I dread to think about what could have gone horribly wrong, but I got this sweet gig and three doofuses that love me to bits, so its okay."
"So that's basically that: lots of confusion, lots of bickering and lots of love binding us together. Whereas you helped seal the deal completely is something none of us is sure but if it is we thank you the world for it."
"Aw, you're welcome otter dad. So onto the next topic, which is how you got me. Gray dad, wanna take this one?"
"Sure. Well, it was obvious from the start that we had to adopt. Not only didn't we have the money or time for surrogacy, we wanted to do good and give a lost kid a home. We also wanted our child to not be from any of our species, to show that our relationship was fully equal."
"Aw, both of those reasons are so touching."
"Plus women who get pregnant just to give the kid away creep me out. I'm sorry, but I don't want my kids to be some perra's long term orgasm."
"Red dad, don't be sexist."
"Anyways, we went to the Mesa Orphanage, and you were there. You were around four years old, give or take-"
"'Give or take'. How thoughtful, dad."
"Well, we still don't know how old you were when we met you. The staff said your birth parents dropped you off there without any commotion, and you latter told us when you visited them that they basically forgot about you."
"Yeah, thank fuck I got you instead of those cunts. Didn't even give me a name. Plus I like the random birth day parties that could happen any time."
"Yeah, though it was kind of a hassle for me and Leo to get our familes on board with that. Kudzu's the lucky one for not getting his parents nagging at him over it."
"Anyways, when we met you all three of us agreed you were just the most adorable little cheetah that had ever lived."
"It was basically love at first sight, you know."
"Thanks a lot for making that creepy."
"Well bicho, you said your subscribers think you grew up in some demented pedo sex dungeon, so might as well give them what they want right?"
"This podcast is precisely to get it through their heads why you're great but sure, why not."
"I remember that you took to us very well. According to the staff you used to cry a lot, but a few sessions with us and you were much happier and apparently drove them crazy asking about why we hadn't taken you yet. So pretty much everyone that wasn't a Karen knew that we were the perfect family."
"Still, the actual adoption was a bit of a hassle. None of us got officially married as part of our relationship agreement since polygamous marriage is illegal and me and Leo were already sort of, in the lack of a better word, spiritually bonded with our bracelets. I adopted you as a single parent, so technically you're my son only in the eyes of the law. This will most likely lead to inheritance problems down the line but we're already planning for that. It sure as hell did make us paranoid about any custody battles."
"And what if, say, people get inspired by this podcast and make poly marriages legal?"
"Then sure, we'll be the first in line to get married. Though, I'm happy with just the bracelets right now."
"Of course you are, they were your idea you goof."
"So now onto the next question, which is how it was for you guys to raise me?"
"It was wonderful bicho. For one thing you were already potty trained so we lucked out on the baby shit. You were curious, affectionate and playful and you were our little ray of sunshine. That's why we settled on Shams, which means "sun" and the staff at the orphanage already called you Sam anyways."
"Yeah, it was kind of weird but I always thought that was so cool. To this day I still get a rise out of telling people what "Sam" stands for, they always assume its Samuel or Samson or something."
"Either way we always took care to not blow that on people's faces unless you were comfortable with it, we know how kids can be about names they're not familiar with."
"I love how we're still using innuendos here."
"Honestly that's on you at this point, we're just trying to not make dad jokes."
"Anyways yeah, you were a very positive influence on our lives. But at one point you did start transforming into a total brat, thanks to a certain otter spoiling you."
"Eh, my fault. My parents always doted on me and I went through some depression episodes after some of my projects weren't accepted, so I got very emotionally needy and I wanted to make sure that you loved me. There's a reason why me and Leo were meant to be after all."
"Its okay. I love all you three very much, but you were the one I looked up the most to, since you were the one that was the least around and had such a cool job as a reporter. Plus you did give me all the treats and gifts and shit."
"Your words wound me deeply, bicho."
"Hey, I did say I love you all three equally. You always played with me and protected me and I always wanted to be strong and tough like you. You were just too strict sometimes, like with the bra incident that we will discuss later."
"Do we have to?"
"What about me?"
"Well, you're the one that was always at home so naturally I spend the most time with you. You weren't as strong or had a cool job but you were always there for me, always comforted me when I came down from school crying or took notice when I was sick or made sure to buy the right shampoos and deodorant when I said some stung me and so on and so forth. Plus, you're a damn good cook."
"Thanks. And speaking of that, we all knew where Chase's spoiling led to."
"Oh God, not that."
"Explosive diarrhea. Worst moment of my life, and not just because I was afraid you caught something serious."
"Dios mio, that was a total shitstorm. In more ways than one. One of the only two times were we really argued when we raised you."
"Which brings us to the other time you three argued."
"Lord Almighty, who gets this one?"
"I think I'll do it myself. So, when I was like ten a friend I shall not name under threats of death had a sleep over with me. Eventually I got curious about her clothes and decided I wanted to try them. She for the most part didn't even use very girly clothes, but she had everything, even a bra even though she's a bird. So, I wore her bra and skirt and I started goofing around doing sexy poses. She laughed and wolf dad came over, wondering what was so funny. Next thing I know, he yelled at me and then you two came rushing after and a fight broke up. In the end we had a talk about Leo's conservative mentality and how I should be allowed to express myself."
"I'm so sorry bicho. I never saw you that scared in my whole life, and I should've known better."
"Goes to show that being gay doesn't automatically make a person open towards crossdressing or even towards the rest of the letters in LGBTQ. But we sorted everything out, and now I hope you know we accept however you live your life."
"Thanks, I know you'll accept me however I am, and love all of you for that. Which brings to the next point, which is how you reacted when I came out as pan."
"We already were kind of betting on whereas you'd turn out gay, straight or bi. Should have made a bet about that as well."
"To be honest at first I thought you were just attention seeking. But like I said, I should've known better, and I'll do my best to make you know that you can talk to us about things like that. Its kind of funny though, I kinda of did hope you'd turn out to be into men as well, even though that's not how it really works. Else I'd be into big boobs like the other men in my family."
"Well, studies do show that while being raised by same-sex parents doesn't really impact sexuality, it does tend to make their children more confident about their sexual and gender identity. So its less that we turned you pan and more that you're more likely to understand that part of yourself thanks to your upbringing."
"Shams, I love you but I can't forgive you for turning your father into Jenna 2."
"Yeah, me neither."
"Same. You were once so cool, otter dad."
"I still am. Well, how about we talk how you address us?"
"Oh yeah, that deserves to be expanded upon. I think I treated you by different "dads" many times already?"
"So, when we took you in we made you sure you understood we were all your dads, that none of us was a mommy or an uncle or a first name. So, to make things easy, we told you you could call us dad plus something, which I think it did wonders to your creativity. Though maybe too well. Most of the names you came up were easy to understand: otter dad, brown dad, red dad and so forth. But then one day all three of us were at the mall and you decided to call for "astronaut dad"."
"Oh, I remember that one!"
"Yeah. We couldn't figure out who the hell you were talking about, and some people were starting to give us some odd looks, especially as you started getting frustrated and yelling. So we were getting pretty desperate, and told you to tell which one you meant. It was so embarassing, to see all those other adults judging us for not even knowing what the hell our kid was talking about."
"Turns out it that it was me. Because apparently you think a racoon's natural colouration looks like an astronaut suit for some reason."
"To be fair you do have a lot of white and black around your eyes. Plus you like to wear leathers so it kind of looks like metal."
"Yeah, I do think it's kind of cool you see me like that. Makes up for me being the "boring dad", as you once put it."
"Yeah, sorry for that. I suppose I took you for granted sometimes, but I do think you were a good influence on my life. You taught me how to always be honest and level-headed and how to be a good person, and I can't thank you enough for that."
"Its alright. I did call the hospital while those two bozos were running and screaming and tripping on your poo."
"Oh God, please stop bringing that up."
"Well, least one thing's certain. You could be pretty damn gross once or twice, but at least you were a very clean kid and we never had to tell you to take a shower. Which reminds me of that one time Chase lost his deodorant."
"Yeah, you couldn't even be in the same room as me. Curse your sensitive nose, I was pretty heartbroken when you told me I smelled like garbage and rotten garbage eggs in garbage."
"Yeah, sorry about that. But afterwards we went into the pool and you carried me around like a damn dolphin, so it was a pretty fun day."
"Yeah, you loved to play in the water so much. If a cat overrides his natural instinct out of love for his dad, you know you're doing a good job."
"And that's ultimately what this boils down to. You three did a damn good job, and I'm glad I grew up with your three guardian angels looking after me."
"And we're proud to have you as our son, bicho. You've grown into a strong, confident man who has millions listening to his every word."
"Dad, you're going to make me blush. Its just like 34 people."
"Plus we can talk about which guys you find cute, which is always nice for bonding."
"And that's it for today. Any last words before this podcast ends?"
"Well, if your followers do get poly marriages passed and if you really have to go in wearing just a speedo, chose a cyan one. It'll be lake themed."
"Noted. Would a speedo on top of a speedo be enough?"
"Sure, as long as its cyan."