Sphinx and the Cursed Mummy Review
Okay, let me start off this with this. I fucking hate this game. This has to be the most unpolished, unfinished pieces of shit I've ever played. Golden Sun Dark Dawn made me angry, but it was more disappointing than anything. Sphinx and the Cursed Mummy on the other hand, infuriated me to no end.
Sphinx and the Cursed Mummy is a Zelda-Esque game in the same vein as Ocarina of Time and Majora's mask. Now most of you are thinking: "Hey, wait a minute, what about Starfox Adventures? That was a Zelda clone!" And, you're right. But at least it tried to be something different and was made by professionals.
Sphinx on the other hand was made by THQ or Iron Studios or whatever they want to be called this week. Anyways, I've stalled long enough. Let's make our journey to ancient Egypt and find out what went wrong with Sphinx and the Cursed Mummy.
Our story begins with Sphinx and Horus being trained and taught by Imphotep as they are tasked with getting the Blade of Osirus and protect the Pharaoh. Oh, and if it isn't obvious enough, Horus is evil. I know, shocker right? Jealous of Sphinx, always wants to be better than him, siding with the main villain. Gah, he was such a trustworthy guy!
Anyways, Sphinx get's to the blade first and this is pretty much the Master Sword of the game. We cut to the Pharaoh who is getting betrothed soon and his brother, Set, is actually the Dark Lord and wants his brother out of the way so he can rule all of Egypt. The Pharaoh stumbles upon this plan and get's turned into a Mummy.
From here, you can control the Mummy as he can do a myriad of things like squashing himself to get to tight spaces, set himself on fire to light torches, etc. You're going to be switching back and forth between Sphinx and the Mummy a lot. From there, Sphinx has to go to the temples spread across the land, fight the guardians and try to find a passage leading to Set's castle.
After much screwing around and going back to that damn castle as the Mummy again, the two finally meet and take down Set. They discover a cure for the curse, but the Mummy Pharaoh drops it and shatters the vial, so he's stuck like this, ending with sequel bait and a cliffhanger. But it will never happen because the company went out of business. Oops.
Yeah, there's really not much else to talk about the plot. It's as straightforward as it gets. So, let's move onto the rest of the categories shall we?
It plays exactly like Zelda. You have your buttons that you can shove inventory, the ankh's as your hearts, and the Blade of Osirus as your Master Sword that you hack and slash enemies with. You also later down the line, learn to control monsters and use them for puzzles in the temple. So now, it's fucking Pokemon all of a sudden. Okay.
Let me tell you... you are sometimes given absolutely no direction on where to go or what to do. Plus, the map you have is entirely useless. And this is where it all starts to fall apart. This game is rushed and unfinished and it's glitchy as fuck. When you first control the Mummy, there's a save point. Cool. Take a break and come back later.
However, when I came back, the door leading further into the castle was blocked by statue. What the fuck? That wasn't there before.
When did it move? I tried everything. I tried pushing it, attacking it, killing myself and even resetting the game. Nothing. It was still there. That's when I made a horrible realization... You have to do the Mummy segments in one run. No saving or quitting otherwise, you've fucked yourself.
So I had to start all over again, and you can't skip the cutscenes. Yay. You also have to collect some medals in the castle and if you miss even one during the requirement, Sphinx can't progress at all. What the fuck?! I had to start again!? Ugh! I couldn't even make it to the first temple because the gameplay is fucking horrible! You have to weaken the monsters and catch them, but sometimes, you accidently kill them and have to wait for them to respawn.
It get's tedious, really God damn quickly. There's just no fun to be had here. I have no idea where I'm going, what my objective is, or what power up I need to progress in the story. This game is unplayable! You have to be fucking psychic to know what you have to do and where anything is. It's atrocious.
They're... there. I guess. Hm.
The actual good part of the game! The music's decent and fits the setting of Egypt. Very nice.
There is no fun to be had here. It's monotonous, tedious and annoying just to do anything.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SCORE
This game is a fucking nightmare and had no choice but to cheat and look at videos to see what's up ahead. It wasn't worth it. So, my final score is...
Yep. I hated this game so much, I actually destroyed it. It was absolutely worthless. This is not a joke either. I legit destroyed it by slamming a hammer on it. It was so cathartic.
You know what, no. Let's not even go there. The story is so bland and generic you already know what happens. So fuck it. This section is skipped. Welp, that's all for now. What will I do next? Hell if I know. But it's certainly not this fucking game. If people like this game, fine, that's your opinion.
... But mine is right and you're wrong.
Okay, okay. Being an asshole aside. I know some are wondering: "Hey, why doing reviews?" Well, I guess it all started from back in... oh God, maybe 2007, 2008? When Doug Walker known as the Nostalgia Critic started. I was interested in his and many other people's style of reviewing and in the form of comedy as well and I thought; "What the hell, how about I get in on this?" And here we are.
And as for why I draw and have the courage to upload my shit on Inkbunny and sometimes Furaffinity and by the way, I rarely go there and stuff so don't ask. Well, I think I was inspire by seeing some of JerseyDevil, Saurion, and Sssonic2's works. Yeah, I know my art is limited at times and sometimes it can get wonky. But you know what? I still like just fucking around with some stuff. It's how I am.
Why am I telling you all this? Just reflection mostly and how far I've come. And as for if I still follow the Nostalgia Critic and shit? No. I don't. Channel Awesome... isn't as awesome as I thought. They're a bunch of scumbags.
So they're dead to me. Besides, I've found much better people to watch and with no bullshit either.
It's like looking up to a famous celebrity and then finding out that they were a drug addict, have a drinking problem, kicks puppies and kicks people in the balls for different opinions.
... Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration but you get the idea. But anyways, after finding out some... distasteful things about the people at Channel Awesome, I quit. And besides, haven't been on the site in years.
But yeah, to cut this long rant short, this is just me reflecting on things and how I even got here. I'm glad most of you enjoy my inane ramblings and stupid reviews I put out and stuff. And, uh... I guess that's it. So... see ya later?
I guess? *shrugs*
I'm terrible at outro's.