Paper Mario Sticker Star Review
*Buries head into hands*
... Hello all. So... you saw the title, right? Yep. I'm talking about this game. But how could you blame me? I thought it was going to be good despite the sticker concept. ... Oh, how wrong I was. I was so dead fucking wrong. The trailers before it was finished showed Mario along with a Green Toad, a Chain Chomp and battling a Paper King Monty Mole. It looked amazing!
... But that was a farce. The finished product is all but that. You are alone, and you have no partners. Yay. Let's get this shit rolling, or unfold. Paper puns, etc, etc...
The story begins at a town called Decalburg where every 100 years, a Sticker Comet comes around and grants the people wishes. ... I'm... not sure how stickers translates to wishes, but whatever. Star Rod Beta I guess. Anyways, Mario and Peach celebrate when Bowser, being Bowser interrupts and be an asshole, taking the Sticker Comet for himself. Mario and him struggle and it breaks apart, scattering it's pieces across the land.
With it, five Royal Sticker Crowns also spread around and one lands on Bowser's head, causing him to go insane and go on a rampage, trashing the festival and kidnapping Peach for the Nth, time. Mario reawakens and see's the chaos Bowser brought to the Sticker Fest and see's a mysterious crown named Kersti, the Sticker Fairy and guardian of the Sticker Comet. Hah! Apparently you didn't do a good job there, lady.
Anyways, she forces Mario to fix the stuff that Bowser did, despite the fact she should know who he is? Uh, hello? Mario? Saviour of the Mushroom Kingdom? Plumber and professional demon slayer and jester killer? The man who saved the entire MULTIVERSE from an evil jester? Nothing? No? Okaydokey then.
... Aaaand that's it. That's the story. You're just bumbling around trying to figure out what to do. Whee. So after some fluff and busywork, you make it to Bowser's Castle and fight him. And in his most powerful form... CARDBOARD! The fiend! After Kersti Sacrifices herself, and really? You're trying to have a moment? Fuck off.
So after using Kersti's full powers and defeating Bowser, all the crowns are collected, the Sticker Comet is back together and now Mario has to make a wish. He wishes for Kersti back to life and everything's all laughs and fun. Hahaha... Haha... Hah.
Okay, the game looks nice on the 3DS, that I can admit and the paper physics are great as always. Unfortunately, the gameplay falls apart because of one thing... Communication. The game, nor it's townspeople in Decalburg, tell you fuck all. It's all guesswork. Where the fuck do I go? What do I do? What Thing Sticker do you need? I have absolutely no idea!
No joke, I was stuck on the Enigmansion for HOURS. I knew what I had to do, but how do I do it? I searched for secret entrances, pathways, maybe an obscure method I haven't heard of? Nothing. Turns out, the walls are switchable. THE WALLS. Not just one, both of them. ... I had an ulcer by the end of the day. Not a faaaaan.
Anyways, everything is decided by stickers. Need to attack? Stickers. Need to heal? Stickers. Need to progress, FUCKING STICKERS! Why can't I just jump and hammer enemies regularly? It'll be fine if I have to use stickers like a fire hammer or multi-bounce. But no! Even that requires stickers! And if you're out, you're fucked. Might as well run away or reset to the last save point.
Some of the puzzles are fucking ridiculous too. For example, at the desert area. There's a secret area blocked by a sandstorm tornado. What do you do? Like a smart person, I used a Fan. Nothing. I wasted my sticker for nothing. Nope, the solution is vacuuming it up. ... HUH??? How does vacuuming up a sandstorm make any sense?!
These aren't even Chapters, this is just going through levels.
Plus, fighting is pointless since you don't get any experience or Star Points. All you get is coins, time wasted and crying into a corner and rethinking life decisions. ... Although that last part might be me. But what about Kersti? She's supposed to give you advice and hints like Goombario, Goombella and Tippi, right? Wrong.
She states the painfully obvious and offers jack fuck. She's useless. Another problem, no character development or any new characters. Just the same old. Goombas, Koopa Troopas, Hammer Bros, etc. Hell, we don't even see Bowser until the end of the damn game! What kinda shit is this?!
Kamek has more screen time and is involved with many events. He might as well be the main villain of this game. And he dies when you get near Bowser. The bosses are uninspired.
Sparkly Goomba: A Goomba wearing a Sticker Crown grows insane and uses other Goombas to attack you. That's it.
Tower Pokey: It's just a giant Pokey wearing a crown. In an area designed after a Baseball field. Meh.
Gooper Blooper: This one is all about timing and rhythm since Gooper Blooper in this game likes to dance. He's also poisoning the water and forest with his toxic goop. So... that's a danger, I guess.
Mr. Blizzard: This one is sad because Mr. Blizzard didn't want to melt so with the crown, he creates an ice age. A SNOWMAN, get's more development than any other character. Now THAT is sad.
Petey Pirahna: He just wants to eat things.
And finally, Bowser himself. ... Honestly, not much is different. He doesn't talk or make sounds. Yes, you heard me right. Bowser doesn't talk in this game. Why not?! Why make him a mute? That makes no sense. "Well, maybe it's this crown's side effect? Blind rage?" Uh, no. That's bullshit and it's never explained. You know, these crowns are more trouble than their worth. Why not destroy the fucking things? Bah, whatever. So, gameplay sucks.
The sound design is good, nothing too annoying. Good stuff.
The highlight of the game. It's all jazz which I don't mind. There's some good stuff here and there, but for the most part. It's hit or miss. But overall, I didn't hate the soundtrack. I liked it. Thumbs up for me.
Ehhh... I can't see myself touching this game again. But I guess some can see some fun in it for strategy or something. Just go play Fire Emblem or something for God's sake. Not this.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SCORE
God, what a complete disappointment. I can't understand the praise and good reviews. Yeah, nothing screams fun then not knowing where the fuck to go or what my objective is. Yay. 10/10, would IGN again. This game is a disappointment and a stain on the series.
I like Paper Mario 64, it started the series. I loved The Thousand Year Door. Super Paper Mario is a mixed bag, but at least it's not Sticker Star. Ugh. Anyways... my final rating is...
A "Meh" rating. I like the visuals, style and music. The levels can be good at times. But everything else is such a slogfest and not fun. I know what this game is good for... wiping away the shit. Hopefully Color Splash is better.
*Deals with Paint*
... Welp, time to commit sudoku. The series is dead.