I've experienced a lot throughout my life so far. A lot more than I considered I ever would when I was a kid. I've struggled along the way, and fallen on more than one occasion. I know I'll continue to struggle, and I know you will too because that's what we do. That's okay...we struggle because deep down inside ourselves, there's something still worth standing for even when we feel that weight dragging us down each day.
The hardest thing I struggled with for a long time, believe it or not...was my art. I know I've mentioned it before..but did you know I really hated my art once? I mean, I really did hate it. I hated myself for making it even. I'd see so many people creating all these great and wonderful things, and I'd see how many people responded to it. How talented they were with colors and making these beautiful things!
I hated that I couldn't be like that. That my shapes couldn't even compare with that. Most of all, I hated that I stopped appreciating it for what it was, but that I wasn't more like it. Looking back at it now, the reason I worked so hard on my art was because I was lonely. I saw how everyone talked about these artists and creators, all that praise and excitement, that energy and world I didn't even fully understand.. I just...I wanted someone to notice me. All of that conflicted with what everyone I knew was telling me. That I was wasting my time, that I could do something else actually worth something. I really did hate myself...I really did.
Seeing those artists back then as I did, I saw what they made, but I never did imagine what they struggled with to get to that point. What discipline they had to achieve, what adversity, pain and joy, doubt and revelation they went through to make something, anything for everyone to see. We see the creativity of others, the ambition...but seldom do we see the artists who struggle behind it. And so when I saw these magnificent works I felt like I was struggling...alone. Like I was the only one. Like there was something wrong with me and it was never going to get right.
Now and again people have come to me for advice. They have praised my work, and even confided in me. Some have told me they could never do anything like I could, and they feel like they're just a waste. Seeing it from the other side..it hurts more than anything I've known in this world. We're both isolated..I just want us to connect.
People might praise me for my form, they might praise me for my use of colors or the strange things I make...but the greatest thing I'll ever smile about is knowing I fought so hard against my bitterness and self doubt, my depression and anxiety to make something to touch you and have that conversation. My soul is lonely in this world. all of us are.
3 months ago
21 May 2018 20:38 CEST
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