There have been many nights where some of us have laid there or sat on the corners of our beds. Where the pale lights in between the blinds leaves a sickly finger across our bed sheets. We stare at the glow of our cellphones and see many things, good and bad. When we're left in the dark again we take in a deep breath and ask..who are we?
Some of us are uncertain still. The memories of the past become blurs along the lines until all that we are left with is some sense of experience. It leaves an air of fear. Who are we? We scavenge the recollections, comb the cobwebs of our hearts and finds the fears that haven't quite left us yet. We stare at the works of others, see the vast and varied friendships of others and recede inward. By comparison to so many great things we embody doubt in the air of absence. There is little of anybody to tell us...if we're good.
So we begin to believe that without friendships, without recognition, without ability we are terrible monsters. Shadows of incomprehension that must be kept away, chained in the deepest parts of a broken heart. We tell ourselves what we do not deserve, why we do not deserve it..until the dreams fade....and when finally someone comes to us, and finds something soft inside, something warm and beautiful, we believe they are lying.
Did someone hurt you? Did someone tell you that you were a waste? That you were wasting time? That the things which made you happy and free were strange and unimportant? It hurts...feeling so alone next to someone, anyone. Close enough to reach and being chained down by the beliefs gathered in our experience. They'll laugh at us, they won't care what we have to say. They won't care about who we are or what makes us truly smile. These thoughts...they are easy to acquire and hard to lift alone.
So..I will be what you need today. I will be your pardon from the terrible thoughts that hold onto you. I will be the stranger beside you who looked at you, truly looked at you and whispered with absolute sincerity " I care how you feel. Tell me..about you. " You don't need any one excuse to be unhappy. You don't deserve another moment of telling yourself what you are not. You shouldn't have to believe what you may be feeling now will always be.
You deserve to embrace the color and culture of your heart. You deserve to lift your head and hear the words that matter most. The ones that remind you that with a bit of patience and a heart full of determination, you can undue the chains of your expectations and remember you're not a monster.
You're not a monster. Not to me. Never to me. You are you. That to me means the whole world. That....is who we are.
