I have lately not been feeling too good... For some reason, this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach doesn't want to leave me no matter what I do... and it's been like this for months already... I tried putting less strain on myself, I tried playing some more games to perhaps lighten up my mood, and I even tried hanging out with the handful of friends I have... but the feeling never ceases to follow me...
It's like a burden, which I don't know why I have to carry. I don't understand it. I've asked mom about it, she only suggested what I've already tried, and that I'm apparently going through a difficult time at school... but to be honest, I don't know if that's really true, school's still as boring as ever...
I've been trying not to think about it, but you remember back when I told you about that feeling I'm having? Well, it's unfortunately only gotten worse. And... I still have no clue what might be causing it. I'm also feeling really demotivated, whatever I try picking up and working on, I just end up getting overwhelmed by, and that's not good. It didn't use to be like this... I used to be productive, I used to be capable... but now... I feel like a worthless, incapable, incompetent idiot... And I don't want to be that...
Also, I've just realized that I haven't even fapped like once since I've written about the feeling... and when I tried looking at some pics and videos which I used to consider really cute and hot... they just made me feel... bleh. I don't know what's getting into me, I used to be a hornball, yet now I can't even get hard... nor do I really want to. I thought maybe it would make me feel a little better, since I always loved that wonderful feeling afger I cum, but... now even thinking about it makes my stomach turn... bleh.
Today wasn't really all that interesting at school, but after a long time, I've finally felt a little nicer today.
I was home alone, my parents and sister were in the city buying Christmassy stuff, after which they went to visit grandma, and for some reason, this idea emerged in my head. For some reason, I wanted to go into Natalie's room and try some of her clothes out; I used to do that before as well, since I thought it was really cute and I loved taking naughty pictures of me in them and sending them to my friends...
But this time, for some reason, seeing myself in the mirror with her clothes on didn't really turn me on, at all... it just... it made me feel really nice. I also took lots of photos... but none of them were really naughty, I was just... I looked really cute in them, it made me feel happy, and I ended up trying out almost her entire wardrobe, even her dresses; sure, most of the clothes were a little loose on me, since Natalie is two years older than me, but I nevertheless loved it~ I'll definitely have to try this some more, when I'll be home alone~
This year's Christmas was awesome! I've gotten a new phone, my very own Engidraga Engi Z! What excites me about this phone is that I'll even be able to put ReplicantOS onto it, the fully-free Android replacement, it's on the list of supported devices, so woohoo~
Mom and Dad also liked what I've gotten them, a picture stand with a photo of both of them hugging each other and smiling at the camera, which I found in our family album. They were so happy that they had to hug and kiss each other again, it was such a blessing to see, I love it that my parents love each other so much~ <3 We also then had an entire-family hug, with both my sister and myself, it was really nice.
I've also been generally feeling a lot better lately. Sure, the feeling sometimes comes back, but all I need to do is to look at the photos of me dressed in Natalie's clothes and I already feel much better. I especially love the pics with her nightie on, that's the most heart-warming of them~
I just wish mom didn't cut my hair always. I feel the pics could be much nicer if I had a cute haircut for them~ who knows, perhaps I'll be able to persuade her not to cut my hair next time the time comes about. I'll say that I really love metal , and I wanna look like one of those metalheads, with the long hair and piercings and black clothes and chains around their entire body... even though I only really want the hair... hopefully she'll understand.
Yesterday was a pretty frustrating day... mom decided that it was time to cut my hair again, but like I said, I tried to convince her to leave my hair alone...
She didn't eat up that I wanted to be like a metalhead, since she knows I only very casually listen to their music. It was a long day of arguing with her, and in the end, she won and forced me to have to endure having my hair cut off... I broke into crying when we were finished and I saw the pile of blond hair that was on the ground. I cursed at her and ran to my room and locked myself up; I didn't care I was spreading hair everywhere on my way, as a bit of cut pieces were still on my body, but I didn't care, I cried myself to sleep on the floor; thankfully it's still the winter holiday, so I didn't have to worry about school.
Today... I'm writing this entry just as I woke up, so I don't know what'll be... I just... feel so heart-broken, I was so excited about growing my very own hair, which was destroyed yesterday by my very own mom... ugh.
Things have gotten a little better. Mom, surprisingly, actually admitted that it was dickish of her to force me to have my hair cut... she... actually apologized to me... which really surprised me. She said that she only ever wanted the best for me, and that she didn't understand what I found, as a boy, so valuable about the hair, but she talked to dad about it, and supposedly if I really wanna grow hair, they'll let me.
I was so stunned... I didn't know what to say. Of course I was incredibly grateful, but how should I've expressed it? I've managed to get a weak "Thanks..." from myself, after which I went, with my head hung, to my room...
Did I hurt them? What's going on, what's happening with me? This victory, for some reason, didn't feel sweet, but guilty, as if I've done something wrong... It's a hard feeling to describe, I guess it's like when you're doing something that you know for certain will fail, and then against all odds it somehow succeeds, and you're just out of your words, shocked, puzzled...
This entire dealio got me to think more about this whole hair thing... was it okay for me to grow hair? Was it okay for me to enjoy cross-dressing _so_ much? Or was it something that I shouldn't be doing?
My hair... my future...
That feeling... the strange, uncomfortable feeling in my belly...
Lately I've been questioning myself a lot. Who am I, what am I? Of course, you could say that I'm Dooshki and I'm an anthro lynx, but I didn't mean it in that way.
I've always been kinda different from the others... I didn't use to think a lot about it, but... the more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm not who I think I am, the more confused I am about my own self...
I used to think that things were simple, but things are happening that I couldn't even begin to start explaining...
I... I don't know.... I need a rest, tomorrow's going to be a tough day at school...
I know, I haven't written into you in a long time, I've been dreading it... but much has happened...
Other than me becoming 17 in February, I've come to some conclusions about what's been happening to me...
I'm not comfortable with who I am, or who I once was, anymore.
It's hard for me to write this, just as hard is it for me to comprehend it, but I think that's how it is. I... I'm not quite sure about this just yet, but I think... I think I'm actually a girl.
I know, not even I'm quite sure how I'm sure of something like that, but it's making the most sense out of everything else I could think of that could be up with me. I don't enjoy being a boy; hell, I even take "the girl's role" the vast majority of times I'm having sex... and that's just one of many examples.
And the only time I could feel nice, was when I was dressed like a girl, when I could for a short while make myself feel like I'm a girl...
It's been quite a while since I've last had sex... perhaps I should have some, perhaps I'll be able to experience it from a different point of view, with a different way of looking at things... Yup, I think I should give one of my special friends a call~ hopefully he'll be up for it and we'll be able to meet up at his place~ <3
The more I think about it, the more clear it becomes. I was never intended to be a boy in the first place, but I was conditioned to believe that I was. The world around me put me into the shoes of a boy, and I didn't know any better but to accept my role in the world.
But this role, being a boy, I'm getting tired of. It's not who I am, it's not for me, it's the reason why I've been feeling so crummy lately...
I... I just don't know how I should tell others about this... will they understand? Will they be supportive? Can I trust at least my parents with this?
I don't know... I think I'll rather keep this to myself, for now at least...
I've also been thinking about a new name for myself, since Dooshki... that's what people called me as a boy, but I'm not a boy... Well, I thought of several names, but the one I'm probably going to go with, the one I like the most, is Sophia.
I've told my sister about it.
My sister's reaction... was surprisingly better than I expected. She was a little startled when I first explained myself to her, but she understood me, and she said that she is glad to have a sister :) Though she also said that it'll take a while to get used to it. She also didn't mind calling me Sophie, which warmed up my heart so much~ I love 'ya sis <3
I've also done some research on the Internet, looking for people with similar experiences to me, and I found out that I'm far, far from being alone in this. I haven't really ever paid much attention to the T in LGBT, but now I know that it stands for transgender and transsexual beings, and after reading up article after article about it on the Internet, I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm a trans girl.
What's even more intriguing is that there's actually procedures I can undergo to have my body changed, in particular hormonotherapy. So not only can I eventually have a pretty haircut, I'll also have breasts, a curvy body and a feminine face, which I'm really looking forward to...
Though I guess I shouldn't get too excited just yet, I'm still not even fully out of the closet and I'm already thinking of transitioning, silly me... But I do feel that I do want to transition, I'm not too happy with how my body currently is... but it'll at least have to wait after I'm done with Highschool, I don't need to make things unnecessarily complicated there, I could get bullied a lot...
I... I finally did it. Natalie promised me that she'd be there to protect me, and together, we approached our parents, and with her help I finally managed to come out of the closet... I broke into crying as I explained my situation, I dropped on my knees hoping I wouldn't be beaten up, or worse yet, thrown out of the house... Natalie hugged me, and continued in my words when I didn't have the strength to speak anymore... like how this whole thing was the reason for me being down all the time... she is my hero...
Well, they were shocked, not too surprisingly. Neither of them knew what to say, and I don't blame them, it took me months to swallow the situation myself...
"Come, Sophie, let's go to your room," these soft words came from Natalie's maw as she liberated me, and took me to my room, where I cried some more on the bed... She sat down there, on the bed, looking over me. I desperately asked her, "Did I really do the right thing?" and then I felt her soft paw on my face as she wiped the tears away and tilted my head so I could see hers, smiling at me, and she said, "You did just fine, sis, you've been hiding from the world for long enough, it's about time for you to finally embrace who you are."
Those words... I broke into crying again, but this time, it weren't tears of sadness, but tears of joy as I hugged her. I never realized just how sweet-hearted my sister was, and I'll forever be thankful to her.
Finally, another boring school year has come to an end~
It's been a while since I've written the last entry, and boy, I have to say, coming out was the best thing I could've ever done. Sure, my parents were shocked to death when I did it, but just two days later, we went to see the psychologist, and what do you know, he diagnosed me with gender dysphoria, which basically means that I'm officially trans, and I even have a medical record about it.
And yeah, other than that, I've been feeling much more... comfortable lately... and more confident as well. I once again carry a smile on my face, being called Sophie by my closest family and closest friends always makes my heart feel like it's glowing of warmth, and I'm especially excited about today because I'm going clothes shopping with mom and Natalie, which I think will be super fun~ I'll get my very own girly clothes~ <3
So yeah, after many ups and downs, I'm so darn happy that I've finally found out who I truly am. Sure, I'll still have to keep a low ground at least during the last two years of high school that're ahead of me, but after that, it shouldn't take too long for me to start with my transition~