Hatred of Sex

So I have a dilemma. I actually hate sex when you get down to it, even though I have a strong sex drive, to the point that I am seriously considering getting castrated just to stop the thoughts. The reason being is that I fear I have some backwards opinions which I don't quite understand why they cause shock and surprise, and ultimately I don't think I can ever find someone I can truly be emotionally attached to and sexually active with - it's mostly the former, and the latter are one-offs that tend to leave me unsatisfied or even guilty that I let myself succumb to my carnal desires.

I don't know why I'm actually telling you guys this, but even my own fantasies cause an element of disgust, and when it comes to focusing them in a drawing or a story, or even just in a mental image during "playtime", I actually really struggle to design a character that will be my recipient or Dom/me, because I refuse to think of a real person lest I taint their spirit, or think of a porn star etc. lest I myself am corrupted (plus it just feels shallow).

I have no real clue what to do. There was one picture I was thinking of drawing where Kit is being face-sat by a female Domme, but I cannot think of how to draw it. And really, I just rather exorcise any deviant and sexual thoughts from my mind.

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Added:	6 years, 9 months ago 22 Jul 2017 04:40 CEST

8 Comments on this Journal

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moyomongoose

6 years, 9 months ago

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Think it over first. You do know once you do it, there is no getting it back.

CuriousKit

6 years, 9 months ago

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Edited 6 years, 9 months ago by Owner

@ moyomongoose

I have, for ten years. Unfortunately the NHS doesn't do it, and they don't do any kind of treatment for sexual issues unless you've been convicted of a sexual offence. Leaves me at an impasse.

baseballdude4578

6 years, 9 months ago

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Perhaps you have a strong association built in that topping is something inherently bad and selfish, that it's something that people do purely to make themselves feel good, and only "use" the bottom as a "sex toy".

This is true in some cases, with narcissistic individuals, like many of my former classmates (at least when I listened to how they talked about women), but it's not inherently the case; sex is most powerful when both parties do it to please each other (eg. one gets their butthole rounded, which feels amazing, which is gifted to them by the other person, and the other person gets their cock into a warm hole, an amazing experience that the bottom gifted him - it's a mutual gift, and neither did anything wrong or immoral, both of them did something wonderful for someone they care for).

Perhaps you could play with this thought, that tops/doms aren't inherently bad. Perhaps try putting yourself into a situation where you gift someone who's dear to you the experience which you love - making them feel the delight of being fucked in the butthole - it might feel like that's something only bad people do at first glance, but do bad people care about others and want to make them feel good for the sake of having a friend/mate feel good?

CuriousKit

6 years, 9 months ago

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@ baseballdude4578

In real life, I don't have the pleasure of being able to meet people even for simple friendship, never mind a sexual encounter. I'm also completely aromantic, introverted, awkwardly shy and socially inept, and have learnt I'm not boyfriend material. I also foolishly said yesterday that I wish I were female sometimes, because they have better orgasms and much easier to get off hands free. I'm backwards and shallow.

I'm not going to get that rimming experience, if it even drives me to ecstasy in real life. I've never had any kind of sexual experience that I truly enjoyed and got lost in subspace, for example. The o thing is that me penetrating completely freaks me out to the point my body shuts down, and the sight of sperm completely repulses me, including my own.

So this is why I feel it will be better to have no desire at all.

baseballdude4578

6 years, 9 months ago

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@ CuriousKit

*hugs*

I've been thinking of getting castrated as well, but because of a cancer concern. I'm sorta hoping my desires won't go away, but I guess I'm okay with it~

And if you want, one day, I might come by :3

CuriousKit

6 years, 9 months ago

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@ baseballdude4578

*smiles* Maybe that's one reason to delay it. I'm just worried I might not have a place to live when you do, or at least a good place to live.

CuriousKit

6 years, 9 months ago

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@ baseballdude4578

At the same time though, I don't want to be shallow and know someone just to have sex with. I want to be honourable above all else, and if that means sacrificing any ability to have carnal pleasure, it's a price I'm willing to pay.

baseballdude4578

6 years, 9 months ago

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@ CuriousKit

*nod-nods* And that's nice of you :3

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