I'll finish Winter's Gallows.
I... seriously think the story is trash now, but that might be because as I get older, my standards get higher... than they need to be. Still... I kind of feel ashamed that I let a long, arduous, and emotional project turn into... whatever the fuck it is now...
But... seeing as I HAVE invested so much into it... I guess I will have to finish it and say... That I have. We'll see how little worth it has in the end...
Still not 100% set on keeping Aero the fox as my main face in substitution for the Lukan the coon, but uh...
Yeah.
Also. Depression is a bitch. I want it to end. ...September/October 2017. If all finally goes right, it will...
108-109 months of depression.
48-49 months of this particular war with it. It will end.
Sorry... It's because my depression has gotten much worse as 2017 began to progress that I haven't done anything once again. I swear, it has eaten all of my motivation and all my focus away. I just... don't feel like doing anything anymore. All I can do is keep working my shitty ass job to raise every penny I can to going to Iowa this fall...
If I can just... not be affected by it for just a little while I promise I could get shit done! But alas... Here I am doing nothing to help myself. Like I said. Too focused on making money to spare even a simple thought for myself. I'm actually... fasting myself a little bit just to save money! I know for a fact that I MUST have lost at least 10 pounds already since April began...
I've been burned by money once, upon coming down here to Arizona... and I absolutely... REFUSE to let it happen EVER again. Being homeless twice has taught me to treat every penny like gold...
But it's destroying me way more than I could have realized. I swear every $5 I have to spend has broken me down somewhat. Let's think of it this way... This month is the first time since SEPTEMBER, that I commissioned art, and went to a significant restaurant to have a real meal for a change... Isn't that just sad...? Knowing how much I actually have saved up now, compared to my attitude towards is just... asinine... Even I know it. But after everything. I just cannot let a dime go to waste. Not again... Not this time. After 2008, 2014, and 2016... I learned that... no chances can ever be allowed to be taken again... Not ones like this. I'm a stubborn asshole is what I am. Sappha exists for a reason... But honestly... I made this my final attempt at happiness, and it WILL be the final one. If it fails for whatever reason, I will just flat out give up. There is a countdown on my FA page... It's ticking the days down until I decide to kill myself. I'm not... fooling around with life like this anymore... and this is why I am as stubborn as I am. Because this time... this time it really must work... for it will mean that I will continue to live... Right now, it's sitting on 507 days left.
I'm sorry I ever said anything in this journal. I HATE letting you guys know how I feel because I know it brings you down too. And it makes me look bad too. But I do think you all need to know what's going on with me... and why... I've been so silent. I am a reticent man, but I hate leaving people hanging even more, ya know?
TLDR--
Winter's Gallows will resume
I am too depressed to do jack shit lately
I am so stubborn and stingy with my money
Depression getting worse
You need to know what's going on even though it makes me look bad and I don't want to.
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7 years ago
14 Apr 2017 20:11 CEST
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