Please Enlighten Me

How does one do this. I keep trying and trying and trying to improve, and in the past, I'd have a cyclical bout of depression followed by euphoria, and subsequent satisfaction. It's been years and this particular bout just won't leave. I see so many talented people around me and their amazing work just makes me hate my own. I'm constantly in a struggle between what I want to draw and how I want to draw. Neither seem to agree at any given time. I want to draw erotic pictures, but my "style" won't allow for it. So I constantly get flustered trying to avoid mimicking others and being original. But no matter what I do, I can never turn out consistent results.

I keep failing doing commissions because my heart can't keep up with my vision. Maybe it's because my vision isn't my own? Could it be that I keep trying to follow others while fighting the thought of doing so? I don't know and I'm scared.

I'm scared because I've worked most of my life to hone my artistic skills because bothe then and now it's all I had. And there are so many superior options, so many variables that are more likely than I am to be selected.

Is it wrong to think this way or feel this way? Because I honestly don't know. I don't want to feel a certain way if its wrong. And it's hard to ask that question without turned heads and perplexed expressions.

I just need help. I need someone or something to help me find peace within the hurricane of my mind. I don't know where to look as I fear every negative outcome is guaranteed over the positive that I see so fewer of.

Do I even make sense? I tend to not make sense with these sort of things. Anyways, thank you for reading. If you have anything to say, feel free.

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Added:	7 years ago 08 Apr 2017 07:37 CEST

6 Comments on this Journal

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chacumera

7 years ago

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Dude, it's ok if you have a short attention span and have a hard time focusing, you shouldn't torture yourself over it. And besides, the commissioners clearly think your work is worth the money, otherwise they wouldn't have commissioned ya in the first place. Sure their may be others who are better, but they didn't start that way, they drew just as bad as anyone else and they only got better because they kept at it. So don't worry too much about what you think others will think because you can't please them all, and I know you care alot about your drawing but it's also what's killing your enjoyment out of it so just draw for fun.

SassyAfterDark

7 years ago

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@ chacumera

Thank you. I really can't express how much it means that you of all people said that.

billmurray

7 years ago

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Edited 7 years ago by Owner

Commissions are work, basically.  If you get to have a little fun while doing them then great!  But you're being paid to produce work, so if you're not "feeling it" them consider it more practice or maybe homework.  It doesn't have to be too personal, that shows through regardless unless you're being commissioned to in-between animation key frames or something.

If you're feeling that depression is getting in the way of your ability to perform work, it's never a bad idea to see your doctor and talk about this!  But it's up to you to determine whether it's a serious enough issue to warrant that.

On a more practical matter... Getting caught up in being original, at least in my personal experience, has been the most detrimental block to in my ability to improve myself and it sounds like it may be an issue for you too.  We are all a pastiche of our various influences.  No one springs creativity like a well from nothing, it is always a product of their culture.  Don't be overly concerned with aping a style or even a pose you liked!  That is an important and unskippable(!) step on the road to self-actualization.

SassyAfterDark

7 years ago

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@ billmurray

Many thanks. That helps my confidence a bit.

Norithics

7 years ago

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I never had as much ease in drawing as when I accepted that I'll always look like someone else's work. Because you know what? I like those other people's work. It's why I aped their stuff in the first place. Why would I wanna look like someone else, who I don't like? That wouldn't make any sense. : )

SassyAfterDark

7 years ago

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@ Norithics

That makes sense. Thanks for the advice.

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