I’m sorry if vulgar language, swears etc is not something you want to see or read, There is a shorten version of this at the bottom if you want only the TLDR which should be nice and short.
THISSSSSSSSSSS is kinda very very bitchy. Just complaining and blah, you don't have to read if you don't want ‘w’/ I just need to get this out there and out of my mind at least.
I just can’t say sorry enough, I just can not. When I opened up commissions a while ago I had thought it would be fine, that I could get them done without issue. And in truth I did get them sketched out (except 2 big orders) while mixing being home before dad leaves for work, family and drawing. I would of figured that with me only having to deal with school work when I returned that there would be no delay, that I would get inking on personal pictures and then work to finish already sketched commissions. I know that I should not worry too much, but with how important this semester is in regards to getting into my major (Civil engineering) it kills me to say this.
I don’t think I will be able to get any more drawing done until my bases are covered.
To those who have paid for their stuff/have their commissions inked, how would you guys feel about me uploading the sketches? Some changes will be made to make them more presentable. Idk, like have them be “ a sketch commission” at a discounted price i guess, I give you back some of the payment as a refund. I wouldn't even know how to price them, hell honestly i doubt the prices i use every time i look at them.
It is not as bad as it could be at least, dystopian writing is fine I just need to sit down and write out stuff which I know I can when half the work is already done (I have to get to writing today, tomorrow and thursday morning oh boy). Next is bio for engineers which is fine so long as i look at the slides and do research on my final essay. Cakewalk when given the time and a spot in the library. It might show or you might already know, but uhh when I type i tend to think in my head what to say and type it at the same time. I don't plan it, i just drop something and then fix it later. Like this journal which was redone twice ;w;/ and I still think it's crap.
The two writing classes are not my concerns, I wish they were since they can easily be fixed.
Math and Physics worry me.
With math It is getting drastically better, my professor is a old ‘by the book’ guy who looks for improvements more than test scores that are good. At the start it was really bad, but I’m making strides to get better and he has told me i am. When you fail the first test and then do better than the class average the next you know you are improving. I talk with him and ask questions when i can every time, and material is getting a bit easier to get and work with. Issue is I will forget how to do certain things or get tripped up a lot which for me is a first in math and I hope is not a warning for the future in mathematics for me.
I need to try hard not to slip up or fuck up but i know i will eventually. I dont think im reliable enough not to.
Then there is Physics
Please
Someone
Shoot me
Do it
Please
The man does not teach, he even has said it's almost all on us to learn the stuff. Great if you ever took physics in high school. I never had that luxury.
Its a issue of him not giving back work, only a grade, the tutors being as confused with the work as those in his class are and my lack of prior background. Yes I have seeked outside help, as well as asking him and going to his office multiple times for help. I have since my break ended and it isn't going anywhere too fast. Like how some students have said while complaining about the class, “he teaches you 1+1 then asks you to find the energy produced by dark matter from a black hole while blindfolded”. A bit extreme but very accurate at times. It’s not that I don't grasp the concepts either, It’s how he expects you to have known stuff before.
Like for example, today I had met with him for a in office test. The previous one was regarding planes and i had studied examples in regards to cars and rockets. Stuff that you can work equations with or at least ones that I can without issue. Then this happened
“Aye, here is a equation, now tell me stuff about the particle this equation represents.”
But uhh...wut. We never did this in class before…
SO i had to really fucking think it out on how it might work out but honestly it probably wasn't right.
I can tell you the process in which you would find the frequency of a particle (in theory), its velocity and acceleration and all that stuff (again, in theory). Conceptually i think i know what to do, but getting actual figures/numbers or knowing how to transition between them is where i fall flat, as flat as a bit of paper. And it's those moments that make me feel so damn stupid that i hate myself <w>
If anyone can help out in teaching this dumbass mawile how to physics i would love you.
If only I wasn't so damn dumb with physics, I would be fine with taking time to draw and do work with school, but when I’m going over the damn notes, the slides and the homework for 2 or 3 hours only to make no progress and feel down makes it so i just can't focus on anything art wise. I just get frustrated at my own lack of ability.
And honestly that for me is both good and very bad. It makes me angry at myself and makes me look deeper into why am i a fuck up. Eventually i would make some discoveries and write them down for later uses but then i eventually just get too fed up with myself and have a tiny moment of despair and just “i need music ;-; “
I really don't feel like i am doing all i should. Not in a “you're not trying, oh you're just being a bitch” way (although i have to say that yes im being a whiney bitch who should just keep this to himself and or just bite the bullet and fucking wisen up. I know i'm a fuck up <3 ). I just mean that this stuff should not be this frustrating, that i should not be this fucking stupid. But it is and i am. And it's disappointing and frustrating to struggle and also let people down with taking forever to get their stuff done. Not only just not doing coms, i saw the last time i posted was a month or so ago and i felt like crap because i haven't done anything in awhile. So i did those two pictures, felt good and then had to struggle with school work again. Yes it's good to relax and lose stress but when that relief is less than the frustration of school I feel i should lay off it. And yet i would have random ideas for stuff to do and write them down, knowing all to well that I won't be making any of them happen realistically.
So… that's what's going on. I had turned in some work and i hope that the grades are good, if not then FUCK me right? Again, if uhh anyone wants to help out a dumb mawile get his shit together, id love that. A lot. Calc2 or intro to Physics is what i need help in. Its fine if you can't, just you know, wishing me luck or whatever helps out too. Makes it feel like it's not over. It certainly is not, even if I’m looking at a impossible odd with passing, I’m not withdrawing from the classes. Im not going to insult my friends who are struggling with me and im especially not going to insult my family, who have worked to raise me and put my in college, by dropping out of classes. If i can't pull myself out then i will take all the backlash that comes with it. As a reminder for me to improve myself and as punishment for being a fuck up. I gotta own up to my mistakes, live with consequences. It's how life works, you learn from your fuck ups and oh boy do i have a lot of learning to do.
TLDR: Lot of me complaining, expressing how art might take a massive backseat for a while, how school is leaving me feeling bad. How i would like some assistance maybe and some other stuff that is mostly complaining.
