General updates too I guess. Lately I've been feeling in an out of it mood. Could be the onslaught of a depressive episode but I don't really think so, I've got so much to look forward to. I baked some apple pies last night so that was exciting. I played some Sims 2 which I hadn't done in forever and I've been working on my work and stuff.
That being said I've had a disconnect with the community as of lately, nothing huge, its just a mild break. I still check in every night, briefly and on my phone, but I haven't been all-together chatty or in the mood to play or draw or write or post. Sort of in a ghost mood.
I'm alright, no need to worry, that's just where I have been. I've let journals backlog again, over 700 to sift through, and my god the submissions is over the 134k mark, I have no idea, I should honestly just nuke the thing and start fresh but I feel I'd miss out on so much. It's a hoarding problem.
On to birthdays: several friends have had them lately (and you should add yours to my list by clicking on "reply to this post" under my comment of the correct month in which you were born - so many people seem to not understand that - http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4044581/ ) and I've been too slumpy and busy to make them a proper gift to show my care and affection and appreciation for their predatory loving presence in my life, for that I feel awful. I must make things right, can I though? Is it too late? I know it's never too late to give a present for any old reason, but solely for birthday, it feels out-dated. Same with Valentines Day gifts, I haven't been able to make them all, and now the occasion feels dead, past, and everyone is moving forward.
There are just too many holidays and occasions that warrant presents and too many people to give them all too. I go mad trying to make it happen. In my perfect imagination I instantly visualize that perfect gift for that perfect person and bam its done, but imagination and reality are far apart and I actually have to work hard to make the image in my head come together.
So, I don't really know what I'm going to do. I want to draw presents, I am going to draw presents, and I'll draw the trades I still owe - ugh - and hate myself more for not getting them done and holding off on them.
My birthday is next Saturday; I am dreaming of loving gifts from friends and berating myself for the audacity of expecting anything. I don't pull my own weight, why should I expect anyone else to pull theirs for me? If I don't have any expectations, I can't be disappointed, which is how my life goes far too often. Disappointment after disappointment. Which leads to the fear of dreaming, being let down again, never feeling like you hold a special place in the world or someone's life. When simply silently existing is supposed to be enough but is never communicated or reminded. Leading to loneliness, hopelessness, deep sorrow, depression, doubts of worth, a vicious relentless cycle. Eating away soul and self, and not even in a fantastical way, but a painful experience.
These are my Wednesday Afternoon thoughts, gloomy gray evening weather. The spring air in on the way, I am looking forward to it. I don't enjoy this phase of winter. It's too bleh.
