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LykaanDorianWylder

Feeling good about feeling bad...

I really don't know what feels worse. Knowing I've got no one significant in my life, and knowing I'm alone, or trying all these dating sites, with their promises of happiness, and chatting with someone for a few month, only to have it all shattered by just one simple message. "This person has moved on"...

I dont know what feels worse...
What hurts more...
What leaves the greatest mark...
What sends me spiralling into a well of sorrow faster...

Been hurt so many times, and stood up so many others, I'm starting to think no one will ever see me as more than just "a guy".
I've been told by many not to be so jaded at the age of 22, but can you seriously blame me. I've been dissapointed more times than you have fingers and toes, more times than I have lived in years.

Let me tell you about my first ever crush. She was by far the most beautiful young lady I had ever met. Unlike everyother girl in school, she didn't know me from grade school. She transferred, and I was lucky enough to become acquainted with her on her first day. Took me two years to build up the courage to finally tell her how I felt. She told me she felt the same, but actions speak louder than words... 8 years from the first time I spoke to her, having thought about her on many occasions.
She changed as she got older, hanging out with people who were a bad influence, taking drugs. She dated 12 different guys in one year, and I feel glad I wasn't one of them.
Shes no longer the girl I fell in love with, but memories are both your best friend, and worst enemy. If I could have an hour to rewrite a single moment of my past, shape it to my hearts desire, i would use it just to go back and remember how happy I was around her. Just refresh my memories of that young girl I once knew. It hurts to admit it, but I learned an important lesson from that experience.

It hurts.
The memories of her hurt.
A hurt that feels like it will never leave.
But I feel alive.
The hurt reassures me that the doctors were wrong.
I'm not a kid bound to feeling low level emotional responses due to improper development. If I can hurt this much, surely I can feel more than what they claimed.

I'll have to just hang in there, waiting for someone greater than her to come along and make new memories with, and to steal my heart all over again.
Viewed: 28 times
Added: 7 years, 2 months ago
 
crazyredfox
7 years, 2 months ago
i know how you feel iv had the same happen to me so many times Ive lost count
LykaanDorianWylder
7 years, 2 months ago
It's easy to say you know how someone feels, but to truly understand someone's unique life experiences, and put yourself into their shoes us different.
How do you express emotion when techically you never developed the ability to feel them correctly? I was seen as a freak at school because I rarely smiled. I could be happy, but my brain didn't know how to interpret it correctly. It's learning slowly, but love has been the most painful I've felt to date.
PrinceEden
7 years, 2 months ago
... *Hugs tightly* Just stay strong... You silly butt... Even reading this hurts... I just hope we can talk the same some more...
IceAgeChippy
7 years, 2 months ago
Many your age are still discovering themselves/aren't established (firmly) in life (such applies also to your crushes/peers). Give it time.

I also wouldn't feel too pressured to find love ASAP. Society has many ideals as to how we should live: school; job; marriage with 2.5 kids; house with fence; career; golf; die., but not everyone needs go that route.

Find yourself and work with 'you' where you are (rather than trying to 'place' yourself based on where you think you should be).
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