There is absolutely no way I can force myself to do anything. Like the other day I was looking at shit I make to compare to older stuff, and I noticed something... a lot of people comment on my art even now. Now like, not everything, but I mean it's a fair amount.
And I was like "Why was I so convinced that absolutely nothing I do impacts people?" and I realized that depression was clouding my judgement... either that or we're in an alternate timeline where people slightly like me more.
Which is kinda depressing because it means like, I can't blame my dependency for attention and lack thereof for why I have no motivation. It's just I have no will to work or even have fun.
So I've lost all hope that I could do anything to change my life enough to where I can make the comics, the animations, the illustrations, the let's plays... at least until I enter the hyperactive mode which is a LOT rarer now than when I was a kid.
I mean I've had a few folks want a commission, which I would LOVE to do, but I mean beyond the actual lack of feelings I have for art most of the time, I also have a lot of anxiety involving commissions because like... I'll just let you down I know I will. It'll just be so bad and you'll hate it and never want another because I'm a terrible artist...
Like my friend wanted to pay me to finish that fucking Rouge comic, and I couldn't. No motivation, no emotions, no inspiration.
Which... I guess is uplifting. Like knowing there's literally nothing you can do means you don't have to worry. Like, one day I'm gonna be homeless and I'll probably dive in front of an 18-wheeler or something and there's nothing I can do about it, so why try to figure a way out?
In any case, I'm glad y'all like my art whenever I can make it, I really underappreciate y'all (and I REALLY underappreciate dA LOL ...it's the poor coding that site has, makes it hard to enjoy being on there)
So I guess I'm just gonna keep on existing.
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7 years, 6 months ago
19 Oct 2016 02:20 CEST
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