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Rambling, just ignore it

Lately I been seeing a lot of things around here and rl, that doesn't stop reminding me stuff I don't wanna remember, stuff of something I was in the past that I don't wanna be, not anymore. Things I geniuely I wanted tear apart of me and even reach the point of self-destruct, just to get rid of them.

Gonna tell a bunch of things I just wanna get out of my chest, maybe people will not understand a thing, I would be glad if my rambling was so incoherent to get to that point, I don't wanna people feel pitty on me, I just hate when they gimme that look...

So... Words can be harmful? Yes they can, but lately seem they are more harmful than ever... I can't say they aren't, doesn't matter how much people told me they aren't, doesn't matter how much I repeat to myself they aren't. They just stay on the bottom on your head, awaiting to something to happend, to show to you, that they are right...
One of the things I heard the more when was a kid was: "Don't get near him, bad things happends around him". Obviusly that wasn't the only thing I've heard, and wasn't meant to be heard by me. And they were right, I couldn't deny that, I always was in trouble, bully always liked to hit on me, I guess I was really a big stranger, impossible to no stand out. And it was just too good at defending myself...
I always was told that, people has to shut their problems to themselves and solve them. I truly believe that, I tryed my best on doing it. But how I'm supossed to know what to do? I just have to try blindly?
And when things get out of hand? I have to just take the blame cuase I wasn't good enough? cause I wasn't smart enough? I just don't understand how a person works, how I'm supposed to know how the world works? I tryed my best, I truly did... still, was my fault that things get out of hand. I can't blame someone else for what happened... and still, after all this time I can't feel sorry for what I did.

In my opinion the most harmful words, come from ourselves... like... "I'm a monster?" "the people around me would be safer if I just end myself?" "Why I stand out so much? I'm even a human?" "Why I can't be like the other people?". The things is, by theirself, they don't really aren't that bad, but when the acumulated on your back, all of them, for a long time, can tear you apart. Doesn't matter if they are true or not.

I feel like this would be enough. I can keep the rest for myself. I should have keep to myself this too...
and I hope my rambling just seems as nonsense to everyone, so I don't have to worry to answering questions...

Viewed:	61 times
Added:	7 years, 6 months ago 16 Oct 2016 01:09 CEST

18 Comments on this Journal

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Blueprince89

7 years, 6 months ago

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run away.

run away from them and find your place of peace and tranquility...but do NOT even consider suicide as a suitable option. to give up your life to the likes of husks such as those society's lambs...is about as pattetic as a herd of cattle going throught the Slaughterhouse.

...and, if that's not enought...then run away further....until you find your place where NO ONE will ever harm you again. it doesn't matter if you trip once, or twice...but do not loose hope, nor give up on your life just because ONE mere human being, or a few had harmed you at the one place few know how to shield themselves from danger.

SoulCentinel

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ Blueprince89

I guess my rambling was really random enough to understanding it.
Is not about they harming me, is about ME harming them.
I can handle it, but I can stop myself? they can handle it?
and like I said, that's on the past, just a thought that come back thanks to the shit happening around.

Blueprince89

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ SoulCentinel

you'll manage. if you're not confident enought, then you may as well run away from the PLACE...and not necesarily from living in a society at all if that's what bothers you.

now, if you're willing to take the risks and proove that you've got a strong will, then stay...be honest with yourself...and soon, truth shall be on the side of the righteous.

SoulCentinel

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ Blueprince89

strong will? run away? truth? righteous?
I think you truly didn't understand nothing at all.

It been... like 10 years, and I'm still here. standing.

And did I ask for your support? do I really look like I need help?
Is just some shit I wanted to get of my chest, that's it.

Blueprince89

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ SoulCentinel

oh, sorry...I confused stuff again ._.

nevermind, pretend I didn't say anything here.

MrBunHeart

7 years, 6 months ago

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that's kinda curious ,,
I want people not to hide the bad stuff/memories away from me , I want them to help me not to be so emotionally sensative about that stuff

I might admire some things about Mr. Spock but I don't want to be emotionless

to me the bullies include groups/people who bland down life so much & expect others to live in their little emotionally bubble wrapped world (for example I would help defend P.C. principal's right to have his P.C. values commune but don't force me to live there)

I don't wanna become the type of person that is called a bleeding heart because , me becoming that type of person puts me upon the road to suicide/suicidal thoughts

SoulCentinel

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ MrBunHeart

PC?
bleeding heart?

MrBunHeart

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ SoulCentinel

bleeding heart is an old saying meaning soft hearted ,,
example : I don't wanna be a bleeding heart basically means I don't wanna be a doormat to society

before there were personal computers P.C. meant think of everybodies feelings as not to offend any emotions or sensabilities before doing or saying anything at anytime (Politically Correct)

example : 5 bad words is as bad or worse a P.C. offense as 1 murder

Foxy101

7 years, 6 months ago

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Words can cut deeper than any blade. Though from my experience, keeping things to yourself is ignorant, and is what makes things get out of hand. Most of us keep certain things to ourselves, but there's a time and place. So let things out like this more often, and prove those words wrong with action. Prove it to yourself, fuck other people.

SoulCentinel

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ Foxy101

heh...
"Fuck other people"
and I don't think I really wanna let things out... Is the past, those scars can still ache, but they are close, I shouldn't re open them, just hope the world doesn't do it for me.

Foxy101

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ SoulCentinel

Well not letting things out prevents those wounds from healing. Obviously I don't know you well enough to know whether you have done so before, but if you haven't, you should.

Keeran

7 years, 6 months ago

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People fear what they don't understand. And those who say that about you don't know you for who you really are, even if they grew up with you, or you grew up around them.

SoulCentinel

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ Keeran

The true is the most equal spread thing, everyone has a bit of it, but not entirely.
And it is does really matter? Even if is yourself who said those words? Even if you heard them over and over? Day after day? Week after week?
And when those words come from a psychologist?

Ratzmaus

7 years, 6 months ago

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Well do whatever you want as long as you stay in line with the law, that way no one can ever really punish you for doing wrong shit :P you'll find out the moral code of others soon enough. And the bullies? Well happens, children are assholes, just as much as people are assholes most of the time too, its just something that's the norm.

If you don't know what to do therapy really might be a good solution, but like you said, you didn't ask for help :P

SoulCentinel

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ Ratzmaus

Therapy does shit. The only thing I learnt from it is just to fake better being human.
And yeah, I didn't asj for help, still it seems people think that I need someone to cheer me up.