Like my life is one of those Super Mario Maker levels where you screw up one part and just keep trying to go on, but eventually you get to a part where you can't pass without the power-up at the beginning you lost long ago and can't get back because real life has bad video game design and doesn't give any more power-ups.
Apart from realizing that like, I'll never have the luxary of decency and respect from strangers. I'll never be the sexy gal I wish I was.
That and because whenever I try to sing or raise my voice I get so full of phlem I vomit, I'll never be a frontwoman to any band.
On top of that... aunno I used to think that I've made so much progress on my art, but... aunno really I'm just mediocre.
Like, my art is better than when I started in 2002, but, not by much. My hand is way steadier, I've learned how to paint, I'm better at pacing in comics, but my art just doesn't look good.
Like, cartooning is what I do best and I suck at it. It's amazing.
The thing about that, the quality of art means almost nothing in comics. Like it's the stories and characters that draw people to read on... which means that I've gotten worse at that LOL or... something.
MIFaTL 1&2 I sort of think most people that read that were the friends I put into the comic, and the PMD-e shit, I think that was cuz A) Pokemon and B) they were in the same group and every comic made the group more fun.
So aunno maybe I'm just not very good at what I do. Which like... ten years ago, no one online was good.
Like, being mediocre was good enough, but that shit doesn't fly nowadays. Add this with the "gotta go fast anime run out with toast in mouth" way people view the internet now, I think I'm just not worth it for people.
And like, even though it's way more managable, I still have depression and burnout. Like, it's almost never worth it to draw. That one animation of AC pounding the bar, almost no one cared that it existed. I was so proud of that, but I guess it's actually horrible.
I'm just horrible.
Like I don't have what it takes, I'll never be a great cartoonist. I'll never touch people's lives. I'll never be important. Like, it would have been better if I'd never been born.
That said... well, if I hit a plateau and like trying kicking and screaming to improve art hasn't helped... aunno then this IS the best I can do.
Which would mean I wouldn't have to feel like I'm wasting time making this comic because The last page won't be leaps and bounds better than the first one and it'll at least have consistency.
Though at the same time making comics is a lot of work and if I won't feel good making them without someone reading them, then there's no reason to do them.
At the same time... I'm constantly wanting the damn thing to be made.
Not only that, but my patrons have been paying me to make my art so at least it's worth something. Like it's worth to be self-sufficent as long as someone else pays every other bill.
I dunno, I guess it boils down to: Do I want to have a physical comic bad enough to go through with this?
That and is there a way for me to be happy without being a cartoonist? Like that's the real problem. I need someone to love me for being who I am, which I guess is impossible cuz for one thing... depression is offensive. I mean it's like being pissed off at someone for having cancer, but that's the world we live in. People hate depression, they hate that you can't just swallow your feelings and just get the fuck over it.
Whenever I try to talk to close friends they never respond, like I can see them perverbally just peeking through the window wondering if she's gone yet. Like they can't deal with my fucking bullshit. And I've tried bottling it in, I'm just too truthful. I have diarrhea of the mouth. I can't bottle in my torment, it always comes out.
Which is why I'm always drifting from people, they just can't handle my shit. Like EVERYONE has problems, they don't need to hear about yours!
I mean, I'd think if everyone complained about everything then maybe we can help each other and solve problems, but no, all we'd do is annoy each other apparently. Nothing would be solved. Just bottle up shit.
So I'm always going to be alone because I'm just a horrible person. It's not my fault I'm horrible, I've tried changing all my life and it just doesn't work. So I'm just born wrong.
Hitler was right.
| Viewed: |
22 times |
| Added: |
7 years, 7 months ago
28 Aug 2016 11:40 CEST
|
|
|
