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Tailwag

A story of depressione and sharing

Hi, everybody.
I don't know if somebody really reads journal but here I am.
I'm back. I've had some troubles with school and I am struggling with something that, I must admit, seems like a not - very - nice depression.
I had lost the will of coming here and drawing. Everything apart from basical living was just too difficult and too hard. I didn't have any energy nor strenght so I just let it go for a while.
Lately I have been feeling a little bit better so I was able to come back. I know many people here struggle with different mental health issues. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was getting lost.
It all started in september, but I tried to convince myself that all was fine and that it was normal to feel like that sometimes. And it probably is, for a short amount of time. But that feeling didn't go away. Accomplishing little things started to become very difficult. I could spend twenty minutes sitting on the bathroom's floor because I had to brush my teeth and I just couldn't get up.
I started to lose my concentration and my memory.
I was an extraverted, funny person and started to find it difficult to be around others.
Finally, the "bad thoughts" arrived: I started to be paranoid, to think nobody loved me and I was destined to be abandoned.
I felt very lonely, sometimes desperate. Some days, all I could do was lie on the floor. My mood would turn totally black in a few seconds. I would wake up with the black dog on my chest and know that he wouldn't leave.
I started to become more aggressive. It became difficult to be alone, even for a few hours.
I was totally anhedonic: nothing could give me pleasure. Drawing felt meh, reading felt meh. Everything I always enjoyed started to suck. The black dog wanted me to be alone and with nothing to do. All I did was studying.

I'd love to say that I'm all better now, but it's not true. Some day it's even worse. But... I decided to contact a psychologist and I'll start psychotherapy soon. I need to do much more to cope with this event. I will try and be optimistic, even in the darkest of days. I will try to keep on socializing even if it feels so hard. I need to be around people, solitude kills me, and my black dog knows it.
I will try physical exercise. I'll try and take even more care of my cat and dog. I'll keep focusing on the future, even if it seems so dark and far. But it hasn't to be dark, hasn't it? It may be bright and I just have to keep focusing.

Why am I sharing it all with some strangers? Because... I don't know. I felt I needed to share my experience. I would love to hear about you, about what you think and what you feel. Many of us are togheter in this sinking boat full of shit. At least we can hug.
Viewed: 9 times
Added: 7 years, 8 months ago
 
tannim
7 years, 7 months ago
There's no such thing as a very nice depression.  Depression is bad and difficult to fight.  Saw something on tv about meditation and running helping, but can't say if that really does anything or not.

Reaching out for help is a good step.  A psychologist might find something you're hiding from yourself or some other cause.  Then again, maybe they can't, but it's still trying :)
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