So the past couple days I’ve been trying to put down my thoughts in a coherent form on what exactly my love life is like.
Frankly, I don’t really have much of one. I’ve never had a proper boyfriend, my initial forays into online relationships crashed and burned, I’ve never had anyone local I could be interested in mutually and I’ve mostly had a long string of crushes that have been pretty bad for me (oh and every actual date I’ve been on I’ve never been aware it was a date until well after the fact because yes, I am just that totally oblivious). But every time I’ve looked at the words that come out, it’s just me talking about all the guys I’ve been interested in and what’s been ‘wrong’ with them. And the more I reflect and think on it, it isn’t them to blame. Well, not entirely.
To be fair, they’re aware of my interest and they probably handle it in some of the worst ways possible. Let me be frank guys (I mean, the people actually reading this, none of the people I’m referring to would bother reading the crap I put down, journal, fiction, or otherwise), if you’re not interested in someone, talking sexual situations with them, getting porn with your mutual characters together, being occasionally flirty, etc probably not the best ideas if you’re not going to follow through. I’m not exactly opaque in my interests and desires and, in fact, I’m usually quite overt. Like, getting me going and hot and bothered is really one of the worst ways to get me not interested in you. Yeah the blueballs thing after and emotional torment is pretty bad but if I’m hooked it’s a feature not a bug and doesn’t stop me coming back.
Ultimately though, the blame lies on me. Some of my flames I’ve known for years. I know what they’re like, I know what they do, I know what they do to me. I know they’re not interested in me the same way. I also know that they’re awkward introverts (because furries) and we’re all massive pervs with similar interests and we like each others’ characters and kinks and whatnot. However, and more importantly, I know what -I’m- like. A lot of my adult life has been learning my flaws and learning ways to mitigate them. Example, my memory kind of sucks. I get distracted and poof, whatever I was thinking of before is gone. Solution? I write things down immediately. My work desk is often a menagerie of sticky notes I get rid of as whatever they pertain to is completed. Or if I really want to commit to writing something I just have to knuckle down and power through and quit doing things that distract me.
And I know I get hung up on these guys. I know their interests, I try to cater to them, I fantasize about them, I get them gifts and help them out when I can whether it’s brainstorming ideas, providing a shoulder, whatever. I mean, at the core I am their friend, but that in no way entitles me to intimacy they don’t desire or want to reciprocate. Being nice to someone, even being friends with them, doesn’t entitle you to sex or being close, etc. Granted, I feel like sometimes I’m taken advantage of and I probably let myself because I always have that little idle flame of hope somewhere inside and I read way too much into things. I’m like a dog hunting for crumbs in the carpet and I get excited when I find even the tiniest crumb (even if it turns out to be lint).
It’s also not fair of me to get jealous of when they give attention to others. Not that I want them to stop doing things to other people, I just want them to do those things to me too, you know?
So yeah, instead of learning and avoiding these pitfalls I just pull back, cool off, and then the cycle kind of starts anew. Sometimes months, sometimes weeks. It’s not bad enough that I need to cut off contact completely (even if that is the surest way to stop the cycle, out of sight, out of mind; but inevitably something pulls me back) and sometimes they just go away themselves, usually because life just pulls them away and they get busy themselves and find something more important than an online typefuck with a guy with a fox avatar. And I really don’t -want- to lose them as friends, as I said, we click pretty well in various ways, so that just compounds it. It’s easier when a guy is just a total dick and we share no common interests beyond he/his character is hot. I’ve met plenty of guys I’ve just been able to dump completely because, well, they’re hot but they’re shitheads.
Some guys though, just get their hooks in me. I hang on, I tough it out, because I feel strongly for them and they don’t just block me because, well, not to toot my horn but I’m not all that bad a friend (usually) and they do get something out of it, even if it includes unwanted attention. So it just gets complicated and awkward and involves frequent breaks.
And some days I just want to shut it off. I want to shut out the world and turn my heart off, put it in a box, and just be this cold, logical porny thing where I don’t need to be intimate with the guys of my fantasies. Like I said, sometimes it works for days, weeks, months, etc. I can be disciplined and just carry on these relationships, getting what I can out of them, understanding the fact that it won’t move beyond this level and I can be happy with that much while I try to help them the ways I can. But that’s not always fulfilling and I certainly get in moods where I ‘need’ more instead of just ‘want’ more and I fall right into the same pitfall.
So I dunno. The easy answer is just ‘give it up’ and if they really want me they’d come to me. I know that. I do. There’s a big part of me that understands the easiest solutions to this and that these relationships aren’t really healthy and I should move on and if they’re true relationships they’ll work out on some level because the other side will put in effort. And if not, well, we both move on in time. I know I’ve talked to people about it so many times they’ve grown tired of it, so I just quit talking about it, they can’t really offer new solutions, they can’t talk to these guys even if they are friends, it’s too personal, too awkward, etc.
I like to think sometimes that maybe it’s similar on their end. That I am important in some way but the reality is they probably just have the same problem but with other guys they’re interested in that don’t return the feelings too and it’s just one big clusterfuck where most of us just don’t wind up satisfied or fulfilled. More likely they just don’t know how to handle me even when I give them outs and ways to just directly express what they feel, they get evasive, they dodge it, or they just go quiet until the moment passes. Really, being direct with me is one of the easiest ways, I don’t always take it well but it works out better int he long run, but that’s not how a lot of these guys work, and the worst ones just go quiet. No closure, no explanations, just silence that maybe ends after a time and maybe doesn’t. But that’s life right?
I don’t really know if I’ll ever find someone to settle down with. My personal life, that is what’s going on with my family and professional life etc, isn’t really ideal for any kind of real relationship and I’ve been single so long it’s kind of hard to picture myself with someone anymore. I’ve got my friends at least, the ones that I can be intimate with, that are comfortable with my brand of affection and perviness and craziness, and I don’t appreciate that enough because whatever part of my heart gets hung up on these other guys just doesn’t want to see that I do have it good, it still just wants to yearn for what I don’t have. Forbidden fruit I guess?
I dunno if I’ll ever understand it or even understand them, their thoughts and feelings or even just their side/perspective. I don’t blame them for how they feel or I feel, I know a lot of that is on me. It would be nice if they dealt with it better of course but again, they’re my feelings and I have to deal with them, it’s not anyone else’s burden.
Anyway, I just needed to kind of vent and reflect and get it off my chest (again, because I know this isn’t my first time talking about this very thing). I din’t even want to get into some of the shameful things I’ve done in the name of these silly ‘romances’. But I do have a lot of people I love dearly and love me back in the ways I want and need and some that at least try in their own ways and I appreciate that. It would just be nice to not have to deal with these feelings and these guys that I love in ways I’ll never get back.
And please, I’m not hunting for sympathy, I’m not looking for my ‘white knight’ to come strike up a new relationship and turn it into star studded romance, I know people fall for me too and I’m just not interested in kind, though I like to think I’m better about communicating directly that I’m not interested these days (I used to be awful at it, I do understand it isn’t easy shutting someone down but I’ve learned it’s easier to shut someone down directly and early on than letting things drag out).
But yeah. I just needed to blab. thanks for listening folks.
