Yes, you read that right. Quitting. Relax, I'm not going to whine like a kid and run off. I'm staying around. I've just been giving it some serious thought lately. I'm not talking about the stereotypical "You guys suck, I'm going away!" kind, I mean a realistic "This is not benefiting my life." kind. Over the last few weeks of working full time out in the world again after being bottled up for so long, I've realized how non-functional I am as a person. I tried tracing it back, blaming on just my mental make-up or love of non-interactive hobbies, but honestly I think the biggest thing that really put the lid on all that was diving full-on into furry stuff. Even before I started drawing or even talking to anyone in the fandom, I would religiously poke around on sites, looking over the same pictures and digging up more and more, changing my whole view on what people could be or what I find attractive. Imagining what could have been if I never opened that first link way back when I was 13 or so is a misleading thought. I want to say I could have been a 'better person', but that's always a fake statement. I may have the skills to do many, many things, and people put my up on a pedestal for it, but I cant say I would have any more than my current 'I'm just done' view on life following those. The most I can say is that I might have been able to get closer to more people. Even with my close friends I would feel exiled. They would ask what I've been doing lately, and I wasn't about to say 'Looking at gaping dog butts online!', I just kinda had to shrug it off and say I was playing video games or whatever. When I started actually interacting with furries, it just got worse. I would legitimately shrug invitations off because I wanted to finish drawing a picture or because I had plans to RP with someone online. I just felt more and more exiled. How could I ever talk to a real person again? Even people I met online through those same drawing or RP I have trouble finding common ground with. So much of me is this superficial collection of dumb, worthless reference knowledge of pictures and characters that are only possibly relevant to a tiny group of people.
But would quitting something I've spent 10 years drilling myself into change anything? Of course not. I haven't really been able to find time to draw or do my usual browsing around lately from my job and my roommates having people over, and so I try to find other things to do. That's just it though, I TRY to find things to do. I could whine and say it's the furry bug who infected my mind, but it is just that I have dedicated my life to something and I cant tear it from myself. I WANT this. No matter how much I can blame it for ruining my life, it is MY ruined life now, and I have to accept that. I'm not quitting now, and I doubt I'll ever really hit a point where I wont have interactions with furries. It is my curse and I have to try and pull the best from it. I met people who I enjoy talking to and ideas that I enjoy talking to them about. I don't want to give them up just to say I got over some taboo obsession and force a new life halfway through another. Some day I'll get myself out there and force myself to actually make physical interaction with people I feel like I can breathe easy around, but first I have to accept who I have become.
Have I ruined my life? Maybe.
Can I change that? Not really.
Is it anything's fault except my own? Not at all.
My only hope is that some day I will find some good come of this broken dream. Until then, I'll be moping around here wondering what could have been and getting boners from lifted tails.
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7 years, 11 months ago
03 May 2016 04:46 CEST
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