Argh...I am on the horns of a moral dilemma and I'm not sure what to do.
For years, I've resisted the urge to do loli/cub artwork again, out of fear of the everpresent witchhunting online, for fear of attempting to do more mainstream work and have some troll or someone digging for dirt pop up and throw my stuff out for public consumption...same token, I ALREADY HAVE loli artwork out there, but the distance of time has allowed me the illusion of being able to say "That was in the past."
And I haven't been able to draw shit in the interim. Choking off this part of myself seems to have choked off ALL of my creative impulses. I was...well, I won't say "content" but I was so used to this blockage after all this time, having gotten used to doing nothing and letting my creativity wither and die.
But it hasn't died.
A couple of days ago, I learned that Damn Evil Dog, one of my absolute favorite artists and one of the absolute BEST at drawing Maisy, passed away on Thursday. I suppose it's the same old story, I'd always meant to get to know him better, always MEANT to commission him again, always thought I'd have another day...until I didn't. Until I couldn't.
He was younger than me. Hell, I'd estimate he was almost half, maybe two-thirds my age.
And he's gone.
And I looked at Zone, of Zone-Archives, a guy (girl? Still got no idea) who got their start and is still known for Teen Titans porn, and now they're doing video games and they're friends with the Game Grumps and Bennett the Sage, a guy who once went on a rant about anime sexualizing teenagers, who also co-writes and provides voices for Zone's preview "newscaster" bits.
And I'm so confused.
I don't want to be forgotten. I want people to see my art and my writing and be happy, and I don't want to be remembered as some kinda pedo-pervert who draws underage monstergirls...but it's a part of me, a strong enough part of me that denying it kills EVERYTHING in me. It's a part of me I'm TIRED of denying, because I know it's just fantasy and at least two professional therapists I've talked to have told me to do it because it IS just fantasy and a way to come to grips with the horrific abuse I suffered as a child, and then I see stuff like the "Steven Universe" fanartgate where FANS OF THE SHOW dredged up old "Ed, Edd, and Eddy" porn THE SHOW'S CREATOR once made and called her a pedophile for it...
And I don't know what to do.
I know asking for advice HERE, of all places, will probably net me very, very biased opinions, but I'm not sure if I should post this to my other galleries or my Tumblr.
What should I do?
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8 years, 3 months ago
17 Jan 2016 14:45 CET
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