A couple of you reading this, know some of it, but for everyone else, comments are more than welcome......
Being lonely and alone = sadbunny :(
I hate my life sometimes, I'm lonely as hell. I see all these people around me meeting people, hooking up, having sex within hours of meeting people, it seems like, enjoying themselves and being happy and fun. In addition, I'm sitting here, not having a clue how to find someone, whether it's a friend to cuddle, someone to be a casual lover, a partner, pet, or whatever…
I get told to go out and meet people, go to parties, etc… but I don't know where to go, or HOW to find people to meet, especially ones that'd have common interests, and what I know as a party apparently isn't anymore, parties apparently can't be fun without booze and often sex. I don't mind the sex part, in theory, though the whole public/group "play with people you barely met that you don't even know are clean or not" idea makes me uneasy to say the least :p Booze though, I've never understood that, or why being drunk is fun, etc. But I keep getting told it's part of what a party is. I'm told, even by some of the people I care about that I'd consider friends, that I'm 'too old', 'a buzzkill', 'boring' and would 'kill any party I'd go to'.. Not to mention the occasional 'weird', 'creepy', and other similar things. That doesn't help my confidence or make me feel any better about myself and my chances. :(
So…. how do you find someone to be with, someone that wants to be with you, when you can't even make friends 90% of the time, especially RL, are horrible at "hanging out"? How can you, when you constantly feel out of place, half the time don't know how to act/react to social situations when you ARE in them, RL *or* online? Or worse, react wrong because you don't find crude humor/assholery acceptable behavior. And, then get chewed out when you get upset at being made fun of, trolled, etc, even when it's 'as a joke', because you can't TELL it's a joke half the time and feel belittled and hurt. Or even more common, react wrong because you just plain don't know HOW to react, and make the wrong choice…. Or you're just plain nervous, or too scared about making the wrong choice, that you panic and pick the wrong choice *anyway* because you just don't know the right one. I know I've missed a few chances to have cuddling, maybe even sex, and who know what else, out of fear/nerves, and deciding to back off or leave or something, because I'm too scared to take a risk I might screw up and lose a friend, or lose a friend I might make by NOT doing this-or-that, that in reality I should have done.
I fight all that, every day, along with loneliness that sometimes is so bad I fight not to cry myself to sleep. I fight depression from that, and from other major stresses in my life, I fight mood swings, and fear I'll never find someone… been searching for 20 years, half my life it feels like, and everyone I have found, left me, abandoned me, or something else happened to cause me to lose them. Finding out "I never really loved you, just couldn't tell you till now", AFTER moving across the country to be with someone…. is probably the most hurtful thing I've ever had happen, and the last relationship I've had in 15yrs despite trying desperately to find someone…
I know this is probably just 'mid-life crisis' making my problems worse than they had been, but the last few months have been getting harder and harder. And worse, the few times I DO find RL friends- not even anything more than that, just RL friends, I find myself having to fight desperately NOT to be desperate or clingy with them, for fear of losing them......
I spend most of my free time on the computer, spending time with the friends I do know, trying to find new ones when I can, and get told 'go to fetlife if you want a pet', 'go to pounced if you want to find a partner/lover'. And then I get told 'get offline, go out to bars, clubs', etc, etc. But none of that feels right, I never feel like I'll find someplace that'll have someone that would 'click' with me, especially since one of the things that's important to me is that they're furry (which I know lowers the odds drastically further). However, there's so few furries here to begin with, and so many others that aren't, ESPECIALLY in those clubs and bars, that I can't see possibly being someone that'd want someone like me…. All those places 'normal' people go, just make me feel more out of place and awkward because I don't do the whole 'drinking' thing, or smoking, don't know how to let myself go and act like they do… Worse, being a hermit for a few years, nearly leaving the fandom, and only now trying to get back into things after everything else that's happened, just makes it a hundred times harder… AND being much older than most of 'today's furs', and a dozen other little things, makes my chances even less since it's likely most anyone I WOULD find, would want to be with someone closer to their own age, not someone old enough to be their aunt half the time.
.I don't know how to find the answers, or how to even look other that desperately flailing about curelessly on dating/meetup sites like pounced, or fetlife, or someplace else I don't know about yet, never knowing what to say, what to write in my profile, or anything else. Friends have offered, but most of them that have, don't know me well enough, have different tastes and viewpoints (like insisting parties need alcohol to be fun :p), and I don't know if I'd 'come across' in a way that would help me find what I want….
Fear, uncertainty, doubt, loneliness, ignorance, desperation… it's all there, hanging over my head like a sword of Damocles… I'm growing old faster than I want, older than I feel I am, too, hate feeling out of place or worse, sometimes even feel like I'm shunned and not wanted.
I get told it's me, I get told I destroy my own chances, am too 'stick in the mud', 'boring', and a thousand other things I've already said… maybe they're right… I don't think so, but I don't know how to know for sure, all I know is I *need* someone, ache for it so hard it hurts, try not to cry myself to sleep over it at times, try not to cry writing this even…
Maybe I am broken, maybe it is me, maybe it isn't and they're right around the bend, but all I know is loneliness and uncertainty, and constantly fighting my own fears to try and keep a spark of hope, try to do what I can to work towards that dream…
What do I do? Why is it so hopeless for someone that tries so hard to be gentle and loving as much as they can be?
Where's my chance at love? Where's the light at the end of the tunnel?
