My mom did pretty much what I expected her to and went ballistic (even though I told her early on about my trip) when the time came for me to pack and the reality that I would be GONE for two weeks hit her, but she takes it personally, everything is personal for her and an attack of some kind or an implication that she's not stable, even if nothing is said. It's... really terrible.
I dropped $1000 of my money for the mortgage... because I don't want her to lose the house, but she said "If you don't pay it, I'm not taking you to the airport. You're not going." It's blackmail is what it is. And she gets up in my face screaming, what if you die? What if the plane crashes? It's bizarre.
She basically shoved the phone in my face and said "Talk to him or you're not going!" (her boyfriend) but then he went and said the opposite of what she was saying: "I'm not telling you not to go, I think that it would do you good and the convention sounds like a lot of fun." Hmm. He said "She's just worried about you, she loves you" but no, I've heard it before. This isn't healthy.
That's not love. Love is when you protect someone, it doesn't mean "Only I can love you! I am the only person you can trust!" Kind of reminds me of Josh's obsessive need to control me too... all with good intentions, but with the worst of effects. I am not scared for my physical safety, but this is threats, this is emotional abuse and I don't like it. Domming has taught me about boundaries and safe ways to express that kind of thing lately and it kind of opened my eyes to what's been going on with me, and I was horrified to see her act this way.
Tomorrow, I'm basically trundling out my luggage down to the curb and catching the bus to work before taking a taxi to the airport. She's already broken her end of the deal by telling me I'm not going. If I can't count on her ride, I am NOT wasting my money I spent on tickets and rooms and convention fees and travel JUST so she can prove a point like a 2-year old: "Sit down and shut up or I'll pulling this car over."
No, you're not, Mom. Not when you told me: "Are you coming back? ... we need someone to pay the bills."
I would have come back because we were... well, I THOUGHT we were... a family. But the tighter she holds, the less I want it. I want out. Somehow, I'm going to figure out a way out of this and try to ramp up projects and commissions.
I refuse to depend on anyone else, life is just too unpredictable. I know that some of you are out there and you are there for me, but it's just going to take a lot of effort on my part to change this status quo and it won't be easy.
I feel bad for Kaitlyn. This kind of environment, it's not good. Something has to give. Having to smuggle myself out like a criminal is wrong, but I tried confronting my mom peacefully and she exploded. I guess tactical retreat isn't cowardly, but there will be hell to pay when I get home in June. =(
Work is just a good place for me to be to get ready: I can shower there in the gym facilities, eat, and pull money from the ATM and get some snacks for my carry-on bag.
I'm 25, it's time for me to be an adult. Even without a car, I'm not going to keep on being passive and let others fight my fights for me. Mom told me to grow up and quit relying on others.
I just don't think she meant herself... but that's what it's come to.
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12 years, 11 months ago
18 May 2011 05:05 CEST
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