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ButtercupSaiyan

so the drama: Parental Interference

My mom did pretty much what  I expected her to and went ballistic (even though I told her early on about my trip) when the time came for me to pack and the reality that I would be GONE for two weeks hit her, but she takes it personally, everything is personal for her and an attack of some kind or an implication that she's not stable, even if nothing is said. It's... really terrible.

I dropped $1000 of my money for the mortgage... because I don't want her to lose the house, but she said "If you don't pay it, I'm not taking you to the airport. You're not going." It's blackmail is what it is. And she gets up in my face screaming, what if you die? What if the plane crashes? It's bizarre.

She basically shoved the phone in my face and said "Talk to him or you're not going!" (her boyfriend) but then he went and said the opposite of what she was saying: "I'm not telling you not to go, I think that it would do you good and the convention sounds like a lot of fun." Hmm. He said "She's just worried about you, she loves you" but no, I've heard it before. This isn't healthy.

That's not love. Love is when you protect someone, it doesn't mean "Only I can love you! I am the only person you can trust!" Kind of reminds me of Josh's obsessive need to control me too... all with good intentions, but with the worst of effects. I am not scared for my physical safety, but this is threats, this is emotional abuse and I don't like it. Domming has taught me about boundaries and safe ways to express that kind of thing lately and it kind of opened my eyes to what's been going on with me, and I was horrified to see her act this way.

Tomorrow, I'm basically trundling out my luggage down to the curb and catching the bus to work before taking a taxi to the airport. She's already broken her end of the deal by telling me I'm not going. If I can't count on her ride, I am NOT wasting my money I spent on tickets and rooms and convention fees and travel JUST so she can prove a point like a 2-year old: "Sit down and shut up or I'll pulling this car over."

No, you're not, Mom. Not when you told me: "Are you coming back? ... we need someone to pay the bills."

I would have come back because we were... well, I THOUGHT we were... a family. But the tighter she holds, the less I want it. I want out. Somehow, I'm going to figure out a way out of this and try to ramp up projects and commissions.

I refuse to depend on anyone else, life is just too unpredictable. I know that some of you are out there and you are there for me, but it's just going to take a lot of effort on my part to change this status quo and it won't be easy.

I feel bad for Kaitlyn. This kind of environment, it's not good. Something has to give. Having to smuggle myself out like a criminal is wrong, but I tried confronting my mom peacefully and she exploded. I guess tactical retreat isn't cowardly, but there will be hell to pay when I get home in June. =(

Work is just a good place for me to be to get ready: I can shower there in the gym facilities, eat, and pull money from the ATM and get some snacks for my carry-on bag.

I'm 25, it's time for me to be an adult. Even without a car, I'm not going to keep on being passive and let others fight my fights for me. Mom told me to grow up and quit relying on others.

I just don't think she meant herself... but that's what it's come to.
Viewed: 33 times
Added: 7 years, 6 months ago
 
liontaro
7 years, 6 months ago
Wow your mom acts like a psycho...
You're an adult, so you have the right to do what you want. It's ridiculous that you should stay so you could pay the bills. I would go anyways. No matter what your mom says, you are your own master. And her boyfriend also says that you can go to the convention. As he said: "it sounds like a lot of fun". And you really deserve some fun now. *hugs*
ButtercupSaiyan
7 years, 6 months ago
Eh, yeah... I'm bipolar, it has a 50% chance of being inherited, pretty likely where I got it from, right? Except that, on the whole, when *I* go crazy, I just get bizarre and weird. I don't hurt others. I tend to be wrapped up in my own little fantasies and obsessions.

Thank you for the support. I don't USUALLY whine this much in my journals, I just hate what my home is becoming: a gilded cage.

I want to fly... I want to fly away and only my sister keeps me coming back or staying.
liontaro
7 years, 6 months ago
you don't need to excuse for your whining. you have a tough time right now and you need someone to talk to. if there would be any way to help you better, i would do it. ^^
nick12212
7 years, 6 months ago
have you told her how you feel about this? that might help a little.
ButtercupSaiyan
7 years, 6 months ago
I have, she is more desperate now and it's easier several states away but it's no surprise when I say that calling her in a good mood gets me raging about 10 minutes later at the bitter and hateful things she implies.
Lost
7 years, 6 months ago
That's just unacceptable. You're just going to a convention, not moving away entirely.

It is more or less obsession, and it might be because she still sees you as a little girl.
DMajorBoss
7 years, 6 months ago
Whoa!  Yeah...I see what you meant earlier then.  This definitely sounds like something beyond "love," in what she's doing.  It's almost obsessive...or it might actually be obsessive.

Given that we have a high chance of inheriting things from those that teach us, one can only hope that some of these things don't sink in.  I know from my own history the "potentials" that I have, but I also know that it's still up to me in whether or not I truly "become what's expected."  It's not always easy...but it's possible.

Still, in spite of what may happen in the future, go for the now and do what you have to do.  As you said, many of us are here and are willing to help however we can.  Even if you do go about things by yourself, know that plenty of us are ready and willing, in our own ways.

*Hugs*

Have a safe trip, my dear.
ButtercupSaiyan
7 years, 6 months ago
Yes, you said my approach and feelings exactly, Dondi. You're a true friend, and I thank you for being there for me, off and on, over the years.
DMajorBoss
7 years, 6 months ago
You are very welcome, Ashley.  Tis an honor and a pleasure, and I wish you only the best!
AnoNJG
7 years, 6 months ago
I've been through somewhat similar stuff, though with my step-dad. I know it's hard to deal with, and it seems nigh impossible when you're actually in the thick of things, as it were...but take it from me, the best thing you can do is to get yourself out and do it now. More so being bipolar.

You're probably worried about your sister, but I've found that in my situation at least, it was easier to help my siblings once I was 'outside' of things. The convention should give you a nice break at least, and you certainly seem to see things a lot more clearly than I did, so I'm sure you'll manage.

If writing this stuff down makes you feel better, than you should keep doing it. Lots of us here certainly seem to be reading and trying to help, so you're not alone ^^
ButtercupSaiyan
7 years, 6 months ago
Ah, you are so right. Now that I'm in Ohio, it's easier to get some perspective on things and what a fucking MASSIVE weight was lifted from my shoulders!

Ah, yeah, writing it all down clarifies my thoughts so that I can see WHY I feel that way, and ensure that what I'm feeling isn't "wrong" like needless anger and cynicism and so on. I have to be "smart" about being angry and pick and choose my battles.

Everyone at work, my friends, agree that a change in the status quo is necessary but I can't ... exactly just pick up and leave just yet. I will have to fold down my feelings and power through it the hard way, by enduring the pain and waiting for my chance not to get even but to be able to find the place where it doesn't hurt at all. (And, once again, the BDSM play becomes ridiculously relevant for coping skills in ordinary life.) And after the recovery from subspace going back to "normal" and being my usual happy giddy self.
nick12212
7 years, 6 months ago
we are all here to support you. tell us what is on your mind and we will gladly listen and try to help. ^-^
asthexiancal
7 years, 6 months ago
I'm quite sorry to hear that you still got such problems, even more with the closest people possible........   <_<
ButtercupSaiyan
7 years, 6 months ago
It's because they are close, because that they love you and you love them, that makes it so hard. When I get mad at Ari, I writhe in actual pain and agony. I hate myself when I let myself be angry at someone that I trust and respect. In my mother's case, she deserved it, at least for now until she's learned her lesson a little: let me be an adult.

Love is tough.
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