It seems like just about everyone outside of FA ask me why i don't post more often and i thought i might adress this in this journal.
A lot of times i am affected by the typical artistic way of thinking "my art is not good enough, noone is gonna like it, this looks weird, i rather kill myself than to finish this", and while that is a big factor as to why i have been inactive, it is far from the main reason.
Just a little over a year ago i finished my last year at Secondary School here in Sweden. My senior year was filled with anxiety and bullies as a result of my slacking (I cut 70% of my classes during those three years there and only barely managed to graduate) and weight gaining. Upon graduation, i weighed 109kg (240lbs) which is borderline obesity according to the BMI scale...and was constantly mocked by my peers for the size my body had gotten at. I was ashamed and my conscience at a very low point. So, after graduation i decided i would at least try to lose weight. Something that would later transform into a eating disorder which i still haven't gotten rid of. My mind don't let me eat breakfast or supper, only dinner. And if i feel like i eat to much, i seriously consider to make myself gag. I am literately afraid of gaining weight, which is a little ironic considering how much i adore fatties.
I have lost 20kg/44pounds during this year and by that successfully gotten myself back to being in the "healthy/slim" part of the diagram but i am still not happy. I've become obsessed with my weight and always set new goals for weight-loss when I've reached the old one. I am not content with my body and it gnaves on my mind constantly of every hour of every day.
Everyday i weigh myself as a part of this obsession. Today i weighed 87.2 kg. I need to be at least 81 kg to have a normal BMI.
In all this and being unemployed, i have felt there has been much more important things to do besides the fandom. I still like it and want to be a part of it and i still love to draw, but i feel kind of... drained from it all.
Sorry for being such a downer so i'll end this on a happier note; Seems like i'll be going to Germany in august! I've been there before and it is my favorite country ever. I am really looking forward to it :3
5 years, 7 months ago
28 Jun 2013 23:37 CEST