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Caffrey

The reason i don't post much and still don't

Hey everybody!

It seems like just about everyone outside of FA ask me why i don't post more often and i thought i might adress this in this journal.

A lot of times i am affected by the typical artistic way of thinking "my art is not good enough, noone is gonna like it, this looks weird, i rather kill myself than to finish this", and while that is a big factor as to why i have been inactive, it is far from the main reason.

Just a little over a year ago i finished my last year at Secondary School here in Sweden. My senior year was filled with anxiety and bullies as a result of my slacking (I cut 70% of my classes during those three years there and only barely managed to graduate) and weight gaining. Upon graduation, i weighed 109kg (240lbs) which is borderline obesity according to the BMI scale...and was constantly mocked by my peers for the size my body had gotten at. I was ashamed and my conscience at a very low point. So, after graduation i decided i would at least try to lose weight. Something that would later transform into a eating disorder which i still haven't gotten rid of. My mind don't let me eat breakfast or supper, only dinner. And if i feel like i eat to much, i seriously consider to make myself gag. I am literately afraid of gaining weight, which is a little ironic considering how much i adore fatties.

I have lost 20kg/44pounds during this year and by that successfully gotten myself back to being in the "healthy/slim" part of the diagram but i am still not happy. I've become obsessed with my weight and always set new goals for weight-loss when I've reached the old one. I am not content with my body and it gnaves on my mind constantly of every hour of every day.

Everyday i weigh myself as a part of this obsession. Today i weighed 87.2 kg. I need to be at least 81 kg to have a normal BMI.

In all this and being unemployed, i have felt there has been much more important things to do besides the fandom. I still like it and want to be a part of it and i still love to draw, but i feel kind of... drained from it all.

Sorry for being such a downer so i'll end this on a happier note; Seems like i'll be going to Germany in august! I've been there before and it is my favorite country ever. I am really looking forward to it :3

Goodnight folks!
Viewed: 12 times
Added: 5 years, 1 month ago
 
RabidRabbit
5 years, 1 month ago
Congratulations on your weight loss! (You sound like me, I dropped from 235 to 195 since February).  Enjoy your trip to Germany.  As far as the bullies go, remember this: The best revenge is to live well.  I was bullied ruthlessly in school. I am now living quite well. I won't get into my achievements, but I'm very certain I'm doing much better than those assholes from school!
RabidRabbit
5 years, 1 month ago
Oh, I should also mention your concern over having an eating disorder. I go through that a lot myself.  I now replace some meals with protein shakes to keep the weight off without the guilt.  Hope this is helpful advice...
MooseJam
5 years, 1 month ago
There is life outside the fandom and I expect you to take care of yourself and other RL things before indulging in this hobby.  Congrats on the weight loss and I hope things get better for you.
Caffrey
5 years, 1 month ago
I hope so too. Things have been so sour and mellow for such a long time now, i hope that it will end soon. Thanks for your concern.
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