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Feryl

How to be throw out of my life forever...

by
I once had a childhood friend who one day after school removed the top half of his head with a shotgun. He didn't say he was going to. He didn't "attempt" suicide. He wanted to die, and he did.

I have had many, MANY pathetic acquaintances since who use the threat of suicide as a springboard to get attention or force things their way. These people disgust me. Using death as a crybaby way of dealing with reality is weak. Such people don't deserve the beauty life offers since they seem so willing to snuff it for petty crap.

If you ever mention suicide to me it had best be in a post-mortem note. Even then I'll accept that you were too weak to enjoy life to its fullest so good riddance. Saying you'll kill yourself is the fastest way to be thrown out of my life and emotions for good. I can't waste my life and energy mourning your death when it's what you claim you want.

Don't ever, ever try to use such a pathetic trick on me.

Many of you will find this cold and heartless. Frankly, I don't care. I've held Death's hand twice and looked him in the eye often.

 I don't give pity to quitters. I help the fighters.
Viewed: 70 times
Added: 10 years, 10 months ago
 
23 Comments on this Journal
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NinkT
NinkT
10 years, 10 months ago
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Well said.
Shokuji
Shokuji
10 years, 10 months ago
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I've never had to deal with suicide like you have, but over the past 10+ years I've developed an intolerance for those who threaten suicide. While I hope no one suicides there's really not much I can do to stop them. If someone really wants to end their life nothing I do will change that, so I suggest they call a suicide hotline and deal with people who are trained to properly handle these kind of situations (because depression can be hard to fight for some) and then for my own wellbeing I cut contact with that person because I don't want to feel the pain of not being able to stop someone I care about from killing themselves over temporary problems. So I don't blame you for taking the stance you take.

What worries me is why this journal was made, it's not just something you post on a whim. Care to talk about it?
Feryl
Feryl
10 years, 10 months ago
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Someone I care a lot for has used the line a few times in the past, last night being the most trivial. I do not take lightly to that statement, and using it simply because life isn't a bowl of candy pisses me off.
Shokuji
Shokuji
10 years, 10 months ago
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I understand, I hope they either got the message or you've removed yourself from future upsets.
Ramblo
Ramblo
10 years, 10 months ago
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You are absolutely right. But it is so easy to forget the simple truth and get hung up trying to give people what they want.
Feryl
Feryl
10 years, 10 months ago
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I did for some time. I would drop everything to bow to them and keep them from ending their life. Then it dawned on me that people use that threat as a tool to use others. And I'm done being the donkey for others.
Gobby
Gobby
10 years, 10 months ago
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I can't imagine the amount of pain someone has to be in to want to end their life. That can't be an easy decision to make, let alone go through with.
Feryl
Feryl
10 years, 10 months ago
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In the incredibly RARE occassion such a decision is made, it's generally a moment of clarity, like a final release & there's no more fear of it. At that point a person is lost and nothing will stop them from ending their life short of physical intervention. Far, far more often the person saying it has no intention of doing the deed, simply demanding attention or for others to bend to their will because they don't have the stones to take life and make it theirs.
Gobby
Gobby
10 years, 10 months ago
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I think the most interesting description of a person committing suicide comes from a book I read about a therapist who does work with people with Dissociative Identity Disorder. The person attempted suicide by just laying down in freezing cold weather in a playground in New York after dark and waiting to die. She had been there for several hours before a pair of stumbling drunks found her and had the clarity to call 911. Afterwords she was shocked that she had attempted to kill herself.

The reason I mention it is because I've found that rarely in life are things ever as binary as "either they do it or they have sinister motives." It is difficult to know exactly why someone would say they want to commit suicide. Perhaps some people do use it as a cry for help purely to get extra attention and pity from others, but even in that case one should question the mental soundness of someone who uses that as an excuse for social interaction. In any case, the most helpful base response is to lobby for therapy. If they're at the point where they're telling you that they're thinking about ending their life for whatever reason, that's probably the only thing you can do anyways.

 
terrymouse
terrymouse
10 years, 10 months ago
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I don't think I've told you this story before, but after I had just turned 17, while I was on-line late one night on AOL, I told all my friends that were on-line at the time that this was it; I was going to kill myself, and nothing could stop me.  I was serious about this one, too; I actually got up to the kitchen (the computer was very close to there), opened up the silverware drawer where I knew the family kept all the steak knives, grabbed one, and attempted to slit my wrist: up the street, not across the road.  If everything else had been according to plan, I would not be here typing this now; instead, I would have been dead at the start of 1995.

Out of 16 possible steak knives, I managed in the dark to grab the only one that lost it's edge.  At that point, while I was standing in the kitchen dumb-founded, my grandmother came out of her bedroom, saw me standing there with a knife, and rushed over to me, clinging on to my body and crying that I would even think of doing such a thing.  My friends on AOL (well, one in particular) managed to get my general location in Florida noted down and called the local police in my area.  Mom was sleeping in the den right behind me, and didn't even try to stop what was going on.

Half an hour later, the door bell rang, and it was a local sheriff.  He did a quick search around the house... and then put me in cuffs after mom had finally woken up, and I got to spend the night at a local detainment.  The following afternoon, after some more questioning, I was taken to Fair Oaks Mental Hospital, where I spent the next two months.

From that point on, I swore never to try to take my own life ever again.
Danzer
Danzer
10 years, 10 months ago
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Fuckin amen

Tired of "im sad so imma die" bs , just punch your bed or door and get it out of ur system , nothins worth dyin over
Feryl
Feryl
10 years, 10 months ago
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Better solution yet, turn off the computer, go out and LIVE life. 99% of the kids who use this line are hard-core internet addicts who think life is behind the monitor. It's not. Life is outside, meeting real, physical people. Playing in the park, walking trails. If they keep trying to live in the virtual world, then they've never earned the right to comment on life in the first place.
IcyPaws
IcyPaws
10 years, 10 months ago
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Couldn't have said it better myself
RagnarArcano
RagnarArcano
10 years, 10 months ago
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Edited 10 years, 10 months ago by Owner
Finally someone sees it the same way that I do, you may not believe me but I had a near-death experience when I was a kid and I saw the reaper and he told me that it wasn't my time and that i was to live my short life to the fullest and From that day on I have said to anyone that ever said they were going to kill themselves the following quote.

"Stop fucking saying that, if you are going to do it then fucking do it. Go ahead waste a meaningless bullet to rip your brain from your body and leave your family to deal with the grief of having someone that would take them for granted and end his (or her) life because of one bad day."

That had earned me the title of "faggy goth" and about 3 weeks of detention when I has in highschool.
Feryl
Feryl
10 years, 10 months ago
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Heh, I don't lay it out so graphically but it's the same concept. Using the threat when all they want is attention or for life to go their way pisses me off. I've lived a life that would make many weaker men end their life over and over. But I wouldn't dare consider it. Life is a buffet I plan on sampling everything on. There's too much wonder to walk out because one little thing isn't my way. Fuck that. Your dad yelled at you? Aw, poor baby - mine died in a car accident 8 years ago. Your boyfriend fucked someone else & you think your love life is over? Aw, poor baby - I've lost more love than you'll ever know & been married to a woman who put me in prison. You can't afford that thing in the store you simply have to have? Aw, poor baby - I work 14+ hour days to pay bills for my mates and provide a life for THEM.
I've been flat-line dead once and looked at a moment where I knew without a doubt my life was ending in a matter of seconds. Only a freak twist of fate and a lightning instinct are the reasons I'm still here. People who think death is a way out are fools. I've fought Death twice and he let me walk again. I'm not going to squander what life I've been granted & I'm not offering pity to those who use it as a crybaby scream for attention.
Quit whining, losers. Grab life by the balls, twist until IT screams and make it your bitch.
averageschmoe
averageschmoe
10 years, 9 months ago
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Edited 10 years, 9 months ago by Owner
I would never 'threaten' suicide, I would simply do it (after tying up loose ends of course, like making sure all my money and possessions go to the right people, throwing away all my bizarre sex toys so that certain family members don't know what kind of freaky stuff I was into, etc.) Also, in my experience, the people who are most likely to off themselves, aren't just the ones who just have 'shitty' lives (which, honestly, they don't, really), it's people who are absolutely ALONE in their 'shitty' lives (their own fault usually, but sometimes it's because they are, on the whole, so fugly, or generally unlikeable, that nobody else wants to be around them, and they become 'psychological vampires'). It's amazing what people can go through when they have support. For most of us, our brains aren't wired to handle this world solo. Some manage to, others just aren't cut out for it. http://i2.wp.com/thazing.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/0...
Feryl
Feryl
10 years, 9 months ago
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I've made a life of finding & helping these lost ones rise from the dark. It's why I'm called Guardian now. I didn't choose that moniker, my past did. But I can only help those who want to be helped. For those who are happy wallowing in self-pity for the attention it brings, I don't have time. For those who genuinely want to know happiness one day, I'm there. I've shown love to fat, ugly, stupid & damaged people. Physical appearance means little to me. It's what the heart & soul show me.
averageschmoe
averageschmoe
10 years, 9 months ago
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Edited 10 years, 9 months ago by Owner
I like your style man.
" I've lost more love than you'll ever know & been married to a woman who put me in prison
speaking of prison, I'll probably be going there myself for about, 8 to 10 years, lol. Although, right now my life is sort of in a 'stay of execution' so it's a rush to take care of things before that time comes (bills, loans, etc.) Personally, I believe that 'happiness' is a state of mind, not dependent on external circumstances. Some people have everything but bitch and moan (I know many people like this personally, who I would trade places with in an instant), others have nothing, but are grateful for each and every breath they take. However, like I said, it's my belief that the entire purpose of life is to find someone else to share it with, and failing that, most people are already more dead than alive > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlVxSfOcpPc     P.S... ... yeah, I suck at this philosophical b.s...would rather just go bowling or shoot pool or something, lol.
Feryl
Feryl
10 years, 9 months ago
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Prison isn't the hell the movies & TV make it out to be, but the pain lies in loneliness. If you do go, hang in there, it does end & walking out is the greatest experience in a lifetime. It's odd that you know it's coming. I didn't get a warning. One day free, next day all gone.

Still, I try to make the lives of others a little better if I can. I guess it's my private way of trying to atone for the bad I know I've done.
averageschmoe
averageschmoe
10 years, 9 months ago
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Solitude is what worries me, almost as much as possibly being locked in a small space with a 200 lb psychopath (but, who knows, maybe Bubba is a good dancer ^_^, plus, free tattoos man. However, spending what remains of my 'relative' youth, staring at the same walls and bars all day, dang. Most of my life I've fucked things up, in one way or another, but it was always easily fixed and never repeated. In this case...well, this is sort of one of those things that doesn't get a 'do-over'.
" odd that you know it's coming. I didn't get a warning. One day free, next day all gone.  
Odd yes. The way they busted in, I thought they were going to haul my ass away right then and there. Now it's been almost a month, and haven't heard a thing =\ Maybe I have a few screws loose, but the whole time, it was actually difficult to not laugh, and at a few moments, I was even tempted to offer them some of the popsicles in my freezer.
Feryl
Feryl
10 years, 9 months ago
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Sadly, when I had first contact with the authorities I wasn't free again for almost 9 years. Arrested on the spot. Sex with someone younger than the legal limit in Florida is worse than murder in court.

I'm not sure where you are, but in most US prisons you're hardly ever alone. There's people everywhere - mostly normal, everyday people like you who simply made a mistake & are now paying. Yes, there's the occasional thug or whatever, but they are mostly kept confined to Max prisons. My cell mates were almost always nice guys, sometimes quite fun. (But hey, I'm gay. Prison was like a buffet.) It was separation from friends & family that hurt me the most. I was always a mama's boy. The sudden complete removal of all my family took a while to adjust to.

But the trick to survival is channeling the pain into a healing tool. I took every self-help course, no matter how stupid it seemed. I made friends with the other geeks in there (there's a lot) and we played D&D. I started writing short stories & discovered I can create whole worlds with my mind. I read novels I never knew existed. I found ways to channel my isolation to work for me.

I'm hoping you don't go. But if you do, never lose sight of the fact that it WILL end. And that walk out the door will be sweeter than any day you've ever had or will.
averageschmoe
averageschmoe
10 years, 9 months ago
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Hey, thanks for replying guy. Sorry to sort of usurp your journal entry with all this, sort of went off on a tangent from the original topic.
" But hey, I'm gay. Prison was like a buffet
I'm not gay irl, but I'm into gay porn (...however that works...) used to play D&D, then got into Deadlands for awhile, but then my friend who hosted the sessions went batshit crazy and was institutionalized, so our little group sort of disbanded, ah well =\
" Sex with someone younger than the legal limit in Florida is worse than murder in court.
I heard 'sex offenders' are on the 'lowest rung' in the penal hierarchy for some reason (even murderers look down on them) do they allocated people to different blocks according to their crime (e.g,, tax evaders with tax evaders, postal employees with postal employees, etc.) or is it more based on severity/nature of the crime?
Feryl
Feryl
10 years, 9 months ago
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It's no problem for me. If I can help then I'm good with whatever manner of conversation we can find. Although if you'd rather move this to PM or even email I'd be fine with that as well. Sometimes people can read through these & pick up info we don't want around.

Not gay but into gay porn. I've met a couple of people like that. Not sure hot it works, either. I've always lived by a personal rule that if I find something pleasurable, I'll try it. Many people subscribe to that "gay is genetic, not a choice" thing. I personally made that choice to be bi-sexual. I love sex with guy & girls, freely choose to be that way because they both feel awesome.

While SOs are the lowest rung of any social hierarchy, publicly or incarcerated, it's not as bad inside as it is here. I know that sounds weird, but it's now it worked out. The only people who are singled out for their crimes against children are the infamous offenders, those who made the news or did something everyone has heard about. No one in there has the time or inclination to track down a person's crime to persecute them for fear that their OWN past may be brought into play. EVERYONE in there is hiding demons & prefer to keep it hidden.

There are two unwritten rules of the penal system. First is you never ask anyone what they're in for. That will get you "Committing a crime. Why, you the cops?" at best or a good ass-beating at worst. You don't ask, they don't ask. Everyone is in there for breaking the law somehow. They all just want to get out. Trouble in there lengthens your stay so staying quiet & invisible is best. Second, you don't attempt to get info on someone. This isn't really an unwritten rule, it's in the books. Gathering info on another inmate by any source (they monitor all contact with the outside world) is considered unrest & will get you isolation & transfer.

Besides, in the State of Florida, where I live & did my time, more than half of the prison population is there for a sex crime. Seriously. Peeing in public will get you prison time in Florida. Anything involving the genitals is the crime of the century in this state. So while SOs are not in the top rung of the prison society, they're by far the largest & can find kinship in almost anyone.

When placing people in prison they don't separate by crime for the very reason people ask if they do. If they did, it would be a red flag as to someone's crime for other inmates to see. My first cellmate was a murderer. But he was a really cool guy who made a really stupid mistake while drunk. He was a 6'5" black guy who was as gentle as a kitten, but one day got drunk & in a fight with guns. Another was a man who had his way with 3 kids working in a daycare in Miami. He was far more known due to the court trials, but he still was just another guy on the block when the day started.

The only way they segregate inmates is by behavior. When you go in, they watch you carefully. REALLY close. You'll also get a psych screening. All of that combined with the nature of your crime (sex with a kid = not so bad, decapitation = really bad) gives you your primary security rating. Community, work camp, minimum, medium, max & max lockdown are the levels. You can only hit the top by being a cold-blooded killer in prison. It happens, but it's rare. They're kept isolated in their own violent world & not allowed to interact with anyone but each other. Everyone else is housed according to their behavior. As an SO I couldn't go below medium in Florida. I started out as a max since I have a pretty bad criminal record starting when I was 14. I went to a prison of 2,000 inmates that literally was a small city. Over my time I worked my security rating down through good behavior to medium & scored transfers to nicer prisons. Eventually I spent my last 4 years at an air-conditioned completely inside private unit with private cells.

Wow, this is almost max length, I'll stop now!
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