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Sakkano

depression update

I find myself slipping into this stupor that I once fell in when my family once did a car trip from Tampa, Fl to Seattle, WA. They days died as I just stared out the window and watched the world go by.

I feel that way now. I'm stuck in a situation that I did not plan to be in. I'm finding I'm a burden to others. I'm worried that I'm slipping further into the Porcupine's Dilemma. I'm getting increasingly afraid to socialize because I'm increasingly afraid that I will hurt others.

When I wake in the mornings, I find myself disappointed because I woke up. I often find myself wanting to cease to be. This isn't like I want to jump off a bridge or shoot myself, because 1.) that's messy mentally and physically, and 2.) there's no real way I can eliminate myself at this moment because I'm "safe."

But I just wish to stop existing.

Especially after my aunt told me that my mother nearly had me aborted.

Why did she tell me that? But now I feel so.... blah. I wish she had gone thought with that act. I don't think the world or my family would have been much different without me. I've not really amounted to much, and I'm worried now that I'm a burden to EVERYONE. It's apparent that I was once a burden to my ex. It's starting to appear that I'm a burden to my uncle and aunt. And I'm afraid of being a burden to everyone else.

It's why I wish that one day I just stop. Everything.

Breathing. Thinking. Living.

Some people have tried to say, "Things can only get better."

I used to think like that, but there's this pattern or cycle. Good things happen right before shit hits the fan. All the progress I made going forward is reversed and I have to struggle to get back to where I once was. I can't ever really get ahead. Things CAN'T get better. They never do. And people who tell me this just haven't experienced what I have to deal with. I doubt they know the sorrow caused by profound losses. Or the feeling that they are worthless, and life seems to support that belief.

Life is not some damned Zippedy-Do-Dah with Disneyfied animals dancing about you. It never has been. And if anyone thinks like that, they definitely haven't had to deal with the things I deal with.
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Added: 5 years, 2 months ago
 
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