This breakup I've been through is more or less a break so that we can resolve some big issues that have come up over the past couple of years.
And now the big admittance: I was the main cause of these issues.
I was not letting myself be happy with the fact that Mixy was always here for me, even if we did things on our own. It has led me being stuck in a very vicious cycle that I MUST break.
I became upset, sad, angry, and a whole slew of things, over me getting way too needy - and not letting Mixy have his space when he needed it.
This led to this whole episode and the cycle of what I shall now call abuse that began. This cycle needs to stop.
I have put the poor wolf through hell, and he is a saint for putting up with me through all of it. It shows that he DOES love me. It shows that he DOES care about me.
What shows this more is that we may be "just friends" for now, but he hasn't left. He still sleeps in bed with me, and he still pulls me into his arms.
He has kept his ring on, and never took mine from me.
Had I been childish, self-centered, and plain flat out rude and mean? Yes.
I had also been abusive, mean, overly needy, and a straight out pain in the ass. I had been disrespecting him, and got stuck in a cycle of negativity.
It is time to change, it is time to grow.
First and foremost: This cycle I had gotten myself stuck into NEEDS to stop, NOW!
I have a multi-tiered front to attempt to get myself out of this funk. Mixy still lives with me, and he wants to be with me. He just cannot handle me in this cycle.. and I won't be able to handle myself if I continue - it is unhealthy for both of us.
I must always remember this, no matter how I am feeling.
If I do get upset, I will need to begin to meditate, and/or go take a walk. I may even need to just go snuggle him for a bit, and hope that I can get over it that way...
I need to stop bottling in and exploding on him.. NOW!
Another thing, I need to let myself be happy. I have the best mate in the world, and I'm sure if I can just be happy with who I am, and the fact that he's here, then he will continue to be my mate. Just be happy with what I have, which is a angel of a wolf who truly does care about me.
I will NOT take the easy way out For that would mean me having to not learn from my past, and learn from my mistakes. I MUST learn and grow, and that will not be easy.
I know now that I need to change. It is time for an all new me, a happier me. One who is content in just being here.
I will need to do a lot of soul searching, a lot of meditation, and perhaps take a lot of walks. But I'm sure all will work out in the end.
All will be well, and I need all to be well in my own soul for Mixy to call me his again.
I will not take the easy way out and leave... I may end up being content with another, but just like I was content with Steel, I was never truly happy.
Mixy has been the only one to truly make me happy, and I should be happy that I get to live with him. Be happy that I get to be close to him, and do have a chance of being his once again.
He's already told me, and the whole family, and maybe a few friends, that he does want me.
I should be happy knowing that... Knowing that what damage I had done is not irreversible... Knowing that I can be with the one that truly makes me smile...
And when we do get back together, it will be the final nail in the coffin of my evil ways. Because just him being here shows that he wants to try what he can to fix things... and him coming back to me would confirm that I really have nothing to fear... and that NOTHING will ever break us apart...
And that.. my friends.. makes me happy.
I am currently content... and I will fight to fix myself, so that I may be a better mate for him... So that I can end this cycle of evil and darkness...
So that I can be the light, and the Guardian, I am SUPPOSED to be.
No more over needyness, no more jealousy, no more pain, no more suffering. It is time for an all new me...
It is time for change. It is time I let myself be happy.
Yes, I have returned to my work on the sites. Yes, I will be using that, and any conversations/RP's I get into as a distraction... But both may also help me focus on getting these changes completed...
The better off I become, the better off I will be, and the happier I will be, when Mixy and I are back together.
At the same time, I will no longer let myself fall into that pit of super-needy-ness, which pushed a lot of friends away, and ultimately led to all the issues I have caused with Mixy. I will be glad to be there for my friends, and be glad with whatever attention they may also provide to me.
I cannot rely solely on Mixy, or my friends, to be happy. I now know that, because that is what caused all this - and pushed many of my friends away.
I need to let myself be happy, knowing I do have a wolf who does love and care for me.