It's...such a weird feeling.
Novocaine, yes, but I mean...
The feeling you have when your feelings and heart are so shattered and broken and hurting and pain-filled that you just...can't feel.
Funny, I'm never a font of happiness here, am I? Maybe that'll change, but I'll be a bit blunt.
Alfie and I have been having a new roommate here. He's young, 22 years old, and I've known him forever. Considered him my little brother, too. But he wanted more from me. More than I could give, that I knew even how to give.
Tonight, we had the hardest talk I've had in so many years, I don't even know. He told me that it's come to a point of him not getting what he felt he needed in our relationship that he was unhappy here...and that he *could* go home. But with his student loans fast approaching, it would be infinitely harder to leave here later.
Thing is, if he left, he felt he'd be unable to continue our friendship/relationship. Permanently. He would hurt knowing what we had would never be and it would pain him to talk to me, to see me, to even nuzz me.
After a long talk, we...realized that it was better for him to go home. That I'm not what he needs.
In short...I've lost my little brother. Forever.
I can't feel anything right now. At all.
I won't go do something dumb, promise. But...this is not as simple as some furry fling-n-fuck. This was a brotherhood built on six, almost seven years of friendship...and it's...going to be gone for good soon.
The amount I loathe myself right now for what I've done to him to cause this is...unfathomable. My apparent skill at wordsmithing, however, seems intact. So.
That being said, good night, ghosts who read my journals. I'll see you on the morn, bright and shiny early to deal with yet another thing to add to my crippling neuroses.
Alex, if you're reading this, you'll understand when I say that this pretty much ruins any drive I'll ever have to write DK. He was a part of that. And now...it's gone. Forever.
I'm not going to hurt myself. I swear. Just...right now, I think that several things inside me have been broken pretty hard. Piecing them back together may be...extremely difficult and time-consuming.
I'd like to cry now. But I can't.
That's numbness.
And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.
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10 years, 12 months ago
02 May 2013 09:41 CEST
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