Please note that this is out of humor and not so much complete seriousness. It's also to let out steam with a good laugh from the world of retail. :)
Ah customers. What more could a business ask for? It is our job to pacify their wants, and it is their leisure to throw money at us. What could be more simple?
Truth be told sometimes it can be a little more complicated than that. There is an evident syndrome that takes place after a given amount of time working retail. Class Grouping syndrome I refer to it in short. You see, after awhile the way we look at people starts shifting from individualized beings to a singular entity all of it's own.
This entity however has separates parts of the same whole, different classes and subsequent groups that lead to the same repetitiousness manner to allow themselves the distinction. When it comes to retail each place is different ,but whether or not you're in the big business or smaller personal owned, it's certain that you might come across one of these types.
#1. - Reverse Tetris - There are many kinds of worries when it comes to maintenance of a store, but first and foremost with a proper staff comes proper presentation.With presentation comes order and correct shelving methods. These are the kinds of things you are briefed on handling most likely when getting the hang of orientation. What could be more simpler than making sure everything is neat and well maintained? Apparently it is the hardest concept to grasp to the Reverse Tetris. This customer comes in many forms, and it doesn't matter how old they may be. It may appear that since birth they may have never learned to put back what they took, or played the game tetris. They eye a pair of shoes in the shoe department but darn, the heel is a bit steep. Well it's safe enough to set them on the complete opposite shelf. " Why not leave it on the floor? It's their job to deal with it. " so on the floor they are kept. You know what, just take them with yourself to a complete other department on the other side of the store because it's their job. These thoughts are elementary to the reverse tetris and it doesn't matter which way you cut it because they'll do it until the day they die, whether you are there to witness or not.
#2. - The Zombie - Quick! How do we distinguish the living from the dead? Well for starters you might say the blank almost animalistic stare, the slow slouch and stumble of uncoordinated movement, and, oh yeah, the open mouth of teeth begging to sink into human flesh. What's that? Well yes actually there are those amongst the living who do exactly that too. The zombie is easily identifiable. At first they might appear emotionally upset and perhaps they might be, but one thing is for certain, they not only act the part, they live it each and every minute of that journey through the store up to the register on check out. You want to feel for them and you know deep down inside you do, but it's hard to feel sorry for someone who appears to posses the emotional depth of a potato sack. There is no talking nor reasoning with a zombie. Their one purpose to consume and spread disease has been relinquished, and now all they can do is stare hollow eyed into your soul with each terrifying moment of bagging and scanning. Their movement is so slow it's a miracle to believe their brain matter is quite fully intact.
#3. - The Pack - Consider for a moment the devastation of the Reverse Tetris, now imagine that reverse tetris married a reverse tetris and birthed a complete unit of birth tetris. This tornado of destruction is as easy spot, and like an actual tornado you'll pray it leaves before it gets anywhere close to your home. Most time's it's a family, a rather big family actually. All ages, all sexes, and all chaos as no place is safe not even for fellow customers. Kids toys are thrown about, clothes are taken off hangers and scattered to the floor, food and men's watches get mixed up. The nightmare is far from over though because the howling sirens of their arrival until exit will follow you into your sleepless nights just knowing they'll be back.
#4. - The Jack Pot - Hey you know what's real fun? Playing the slot machine! You know what's even more fun? Winning at the slot machine! You know what's not? Winning at the human equivalent. the Jack Pot is everything like it's name suggests. You knew they were coming, you could hear the sounds of infinite change ringing within the black holes of their pockets. It's a twenty dollar even order and they've got a few dollar bills. Nothing like some change to cover the difference. The WHOLE difference that is. You watch with utter despair as they pull entire volumes of coinage from their form. Even when you think it's done, they still have more, and worse, they do not bother to count it. No. That is your job. For the lucky few there are change limits. We know them in 5.00's and 10.00's. For others the sky is the limit and believe me, if they tried it, they could probably stack those pennies to the sky.
#5. - The Thief - They almost look like any other person shopping the store. Shifty eyes, keeping a lookout for any one around, stuffing their hands with various items and...hey wait a minute. You got to be kidding me. The Thief takes many forms and we've seen it all. The young woman snatching a handbag, the elderly man stealing a baseball cap.....the woman in the wheelchair stealing earbuds....but the one most obvious sign of the Thief aside from their bulging pockets is their extreme attitude. Even when you do not come out and say it ( Because you can and will get fired even with proof ) the Thief will scream and berate you as a scapegoat and try to book it out. There is never winning with the Thief unless the police were there and knew the future ( Wouldn't that make a cool movie?) You sat there for five full minutes being called the world's biggest crap, and all the beautiful racist remarks you can imagine, so you've got a great description of their face. Good luck, that's all you get as they walk out with that two dollar pen they just had to smuggle. Hope it was a good trade for your pride and patience.
#6. - The Oldies - Hey remember when VHS was still a thing? Remember when we all got over it as the DVD's became the new thing? Yes, times do change and sometimes it's quick while others it can be a bit slow. People are the same way, but even if Tom still clung to his relic VHS player he'd probably know how to work a dvd player if it came right down to it. Now imagine that same thinking and apply it to credit cards. They're flat, they're square, and they never change. For the Oldies though it can take minutes to understand the concept of sliding the same card end under the same machine. Checkout is easy enough but when it comes time for payment, that look of bewilderment fills their eyes. Why this punishment? You try to be nice and slide it for them but the Oldies are always stubborn. No one wants to look like an age old idiot but the fruitless struggle just isn't helping. They've got it the wrong way as they try to slide it, and you tell them like a fitness coach repetitiously but to no avail. They cannot hear you under their brains exploding. Sometimes the Oldies can be goodies, but for you the Oldies haven't passed...they're still there holding up the line. Day in....day out.
#7. - The Phoneaholic - Some people just cannot let go of their cellphones. In this digital age of marvel we all seem like one is connected to our body no matter where we go. If it's not that it's computers. Yes it's all real sophisticated these days and what a year to respect the machine! Yes, well how about respecting common human courtesy? Cannot compute is all that is going through these people's brains as they go all throughout the store laughing away on their phones for all to hear. Yes you all are now the personal hostages of a madman or madwoman gone insane with the power of technology. Now you will go the rest of the day knowing Tina totally was eying that guy's ass at the party last night, or that Georg's business deal seriously kicked butt at that golf course.These type can also seemingly blend with The Zombie especially if in the text stage of their disease. Yes I called it a disease now turn that shit off and look me in my sad broken eyes as I bag your screen protector.
#8. - The Right - The customer is always right. It's a traditional phrase we've heard for since we can remember. Well it does not go hand in hand always with " The Customer is Nice " or " The Customer is smart " either. Quick, has this happened to you? The store is closing, it's ten minutes and that eight hour shift has eaten away at the last of your soul. You've screamed over the intercom the last four times for customers to finish up. They're still in the aisles as if half time isn't even on. No the show is almost done but they don't care. How about the guy who switched price tags on that kicking shirt. You know it's not 14.99 because the ticket is ripped. Even when you search the system and find the 69.99 margin, it's manager time. Yes it's manager time every time for The Right. Even when you're right, you're not right because they are right. They're always right. Oh, and when closing time hits, those customers have filled the line to the brim. It was the right time for them just not for you.
If you know any kinds of customers, why not leave it in the comment section? We'd love to hear and and have a chuckle over your own variants.