FIRST: Do not mistake this for me trying to gain your pity.... I'm not that stupid and neither are you... I am explaining myself so that people(both people i know and people I don't) at least know why I am how I am about things....
I'll be the first person to admit that I absolutely abhor myself... Not for stupid reasons like "I'm ugly" or "I'm too geeky". I'm too self abusive. It's something me and my girlfriend used to get in fights about, they were never fun fights either. My problem is, while I RARELY ever cause intentional physical harm to myself (see also "NEVER"), I am constantly emotionally self abusive. While I often maintain the charade of not giving a damn, I actually give too much of a damn some times.
Often times, in attempts to be clear and concise with what I try to articulate, I either oversimplify to the point of it being offensive (usually took the wrong way), or I over complicate matters. I also have a terrible habit of saying hurtful things I do not mean(they usually start as something really nice in my head... then they come out TWISTED and ruined....).
I also worry too much... If i don't hear from my girlfriend for more than a few days then I start assuming the worse.... racking my brain over all the horrible possibilities. And it just gets worse, from there it goes to me beating up on myself for stupid shit i've said in the past whilst either trying to be funny, or trying to be nice.
Even right now I'm beating myself up so hard I can't concentrate properly to write this as I thought it out...
I sometimes say something stupid and hurtful to someone.... then listening to their tone... or seeing their face, either shocked or disgusted.... I burst into tears. Sometimes they think it's self pity, but it's not. It's self resentment for what i've said and done.
And then the tears come....
Now i'm shaking so bad I can't type properly for much longer so i will close it out with this...
I have no idea why I am the way I am. Perhaps it is something to do with how i was bullied my whole life... Or should any deity actually exist, they derive great pleasure from my self inflicted mental anguish...
7 years, 4 months ago
06 Apr 2011 11:10 CEST