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Perspective (follow up rant)

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(Again, no questions or guessing who this is about, and if you know keep it to yourself)

Alright, so I sorta wanna put my last journal into some sort of perspective.
I was very down when I typed it out.

You see, I've been alone my entire life. From day one until now I've been alone.
I have a very big problem with making contacts with people and every year this problem grows.
I have a few friends irl, but sadly none very close and definitely none that can help me with my loneliness.
There is nothing I fear more than the thought that I'll spend the rest of my days alone and miserable... just the fact that I'm a soon to be 29 year old virgin is like a 20 ton weight on my shoulder. It makes me feel like I'm such a fucking failure at life. That said I don't think a random one night stand would have any effect on me at all in that regard, now it would have to be with someone special, someone I'll likely spend some sort of future with.
And well my only hope is to find someone online to get close to.

This has now happened three times for me.

The first time was just stupid, I fell for someone without even getting to know them in the least.
I got shot down after only a short time and I was sad for a couple of days. Looking back I don't even wanna count it as real love.

The second time wasn't as silly, I talked with someone for a while and this person seemed to click with me. Though as time went on I felt the spark whither away, especially since this person lived in the US so the distance was a bit too great, and in the end that person fulfilled the suspicion by saying there was another person in their life and that they felt more connected. I didn't feel sad this time at all.

The third time was this time, the time that led to my previous journal...
I met this person entirely by chance 9 months ago. At first I wasn't sure what I felt. But as time passed I found myself caring deeper and deeper for this person. I told them that after a while but I couldn't get it returned in kind. I felt a bit discouraged but we kept chatting. The more we talked the more I felt that this person was made for me, everything seemed perfect, in the end I was truly, deeply in love.
For a while my hopes were ignited through a short "let's give it a try" distance relationship. This didn't hold for long though as the other person wasn't able to really say if we were meant to be before we could meet irl. I understood and respected this and after thinking about it I felt it was likely sorta the same for me, even if I couldn't really imagine loving this person more than I already did.
A visit would have to wait though because a stressful Christmas was coming up, so we agreed to wait until early this year.
Sometime during all this things became a lot more complicated though.
I don't wanna go into any details from this point but, as it turned out our early 2013 visit never happened and well now the situation is completely ruined.

I don't blame the person in the third case, I wanna make that clear. Had I read the signs better I could have had this heartache sooner and possibly in a smaller scale. I only wish my hopes had not been kept so high near the end. Everything that was promised the weeks leading up to this was broken basically.

That said I still love this person with all my heart, all it's broken pieces. I don't think I'll ever stop loving them. I hope they truly know that. Sadly my depression and anger makes me do things I regret over and over again, I just can't stop it. I guess it's just proof of how much this person meant to me.

I do hope to find someone else now though, to help me get over this recent heartache if nothing else... but I know that I will just keep comparing them to the one I felt was my perfect match, my soulmate...

I'm sorry for being such a depressed failure, but if you've actually read all the way here I thank you for caring that much about poor old me.
Viewed: 23 times
Added: 5 years, 8 months ago
 
WOWIETIME
5 years, 8 months ago
Hug?
MystBunny
5 years, 8 months ago
*snugs* I don't know what good my advice will be since I'm pretty much at the more liberal end as far as how I view sex. Lotta people can't see themselves having casual sex, and I understand that. I get the need to have your first time feel special. If you're saving yourself for a life partner.. I don't want to say you're wasting your time, because it would be worth it in the end, but you probably know that you're limiting your options by quite alot. Not to mention setting yourself up for a rather frustrating and painful search. The road to true love is full of bumps, pot-holes, and dead-ends. Trust me, you'll probably find it eventually, but when you couple it with virginity and a need to lose it only to whomever you find at the end of the "road to true love", that road is going to seem even longer and more bumpy. If you're committed to that, you're more romantic than I am, at least. When you hit a dead-end, the only thing you can do is turn around, re-trace your steps, and keep going.
Link
5 years, 8 months ago
Thanks for the advice =)

I don't think I'm entirely gung-ho about the first time having to be with "the one", but I think it would have to be with someone I'm quite bonded with. Someone I care about and that cares for me.
Either way, there's no chance I'll ever meet someone irl due to my social ineptitude... and if I meet someone online there's bound to be bonding in some form before I potentially meet them.
MystBunny
5 years, 7 months ago
Dude, the fandom is FULL of people who are socially inept =P myself included. I think I know what you mean there. My first time was with someone I wanted as my mate at the time, but I knew he couldn't be. Even so, it was very special and I wouldn't have had it another way.
Link
5 years, 7 months ago
Well, yes, the fandom likely is =P
I know no other furries irl though xD

Also, yeah, that would really be enough for me too.
It doesn't have to be the person I spend the rest of my life with but it has to be someone I'm close to. So that I know that after that event they won't just vanish from my life. Heck, even a "fuck buddy" would be enough, in fact I wouldn't mind that at all xD
It's just one night stands that doesn't go well with me.
starlyte
5 years, 8 months ago
I replied to the other, but will here as well. i've been there before. I had one I thought was the one that due partially to my own shyness and procrastination lost them. But then they kinda just blew me off. had an ex visit them and said nothing was going happen. i knew better. Didn't see em for like 2 months then thier supposedly mom started using thier account. So ya they left me and didn't even have the guts to face me and say its over. Latest was they dicked me around kept saying they'd send for me but always kept making an excuse when it got closer. That and they wanted another that didn't want them irl so ya lost cause.

Anyways i can say sex isn't all its cracked up to me. I'm 30yr old virgin too due to being so shy and everything, but really saving yourself for the one you love isn't a bad thing but also not good. There's a reason there's sex and then love making. Sex is what it is, but when you are with someone you truely love and care for then it becomes love making. Long distance relas are very tough specially when its in other countries/continents. A simple visit is more like planning a vacation due to plane tickets and everything. as stated by myst you just have to stay strong and be yourself and you'll find them one day.

Also yes we've never talked and all, and here I am giving advice but I do that. Stay quiet and watch from the sidelines till I can offer help. Then after that I usually slink back and resume my silent vigil. Again stay strong and be yourself. love will come for you again just have be patient. You're not alone out here. There's many more like you and we lean on each other and offer our ears when needed.
Link
5 years, 8 months ago
Thanks for both your long comments, I wasn't expecting anyone to really care enough to actually put this much effort into a reply =)

I guess my experience this last time is slightly better than the one you describe. I'm still friends with the person and they wasn't trying to hide things from me.

I totally understand your thoughts on sex vs. love making too. I keep thinking about it like that too, but it's not really helping me much. It not like I have anyone I could hit up just for sex either. I don't know many people in my own country and the few I've encountered through the furry fandom have all been a bit... too much xD
Long distance doesn't have to be bad but I'm really limiting myself to Europe for now. At least traveling within the EU countries can be made quite cheap.

I thank you again for taking your time and providing such a good reply. I'll try my best to stay strong and I'm always myself (even if that's sadly an oversensitive pile of sad xD ) I do hope love will find it's way sooner rather than later though =P
starlyte
5 years, 8 months ago
i'll reply to both here for simplicity. You can only get better at rp if ya try and practice it, but ya sexing rp...could be nice if was real but the sexual playground irl nowadays is dangerous with stds and all running rampart. Still though as said gotta let it work for now or try and go out there for some. I'll stick to rp and chatting. Also ya sexy talking is very fun. And the jelousy will never go away just gotta learn to control it and make sure it doesn't control ya.

Now then its not that either was hiding things. First was partially my fault, the second was also kinda, but also lost cause and feel more for them going after someone that doesn't want them. So they gave up someone that did want them both irl and online for one that kinda wants em online but not irl ever. Not even a 'hey lets visit and see what happens.' No they flat out agreed when I said they rather follow thier religion and be with someone they don't truely love and have kids they don't want. Instead of being with someone they do care for and wants them as well...ya...they actually said yes to that...

Anyways not the point here moving on! I wish I had some for sexings too, but I'm fine with it just being online. Got a good imagination and really get into the rps =^.^= i'm curious though wha ya mean when said the few ya found have been too much?

Kinda shame ya sticking to EU, but yea not crossing the big puddle is alot cheaper. I'd say maybe look into try going to some furry cons and stuff over there to see if can find some to visit or hang with irl. I think I'm just better suited to online. I way prefer it, and all. Why have to pay to drive or travel and all just to play games on comps or consoles when you can do the same by staying at home. *shrugs* Starting ramble some so ya try to stay strong and its good that you yourself, but be happy not sad. And love will come when least expect it and usually from an unexpected source. =^.^=
Link
5 years, 8 months ago
Again thanks for the long reply =)

I totally see your point with the overly casual stuff spreading STDs and stuff, makes me sorta wish my first was a virgin too, but that's sorta getting a lot less likely due to my age xD

The reason I said the few I've found was a bit too much is that I'm really just a regular guy who happens to like furry art and the fantasy of furries. The people I've talked to have in most cases been very... into it, I guess. I'm not one for suits and I don't like the idea of acting like an animal irl (licking people, barking at people etc.). It's also an issue with my sorta confused sexual state, I'm quite sure I'm bi and in most cases fantasies about guys works better than ones about women but for a guy to be an option for me there's like a shit-ton of things that has to be right. It sorta goes into the whole "too high standards" bit of my other journal. I'd go into more detail but I don't know how interested you or anyone else would be. I don't want it to go into too much detail as I'm borderline TMI-ing already.

As for cons, I would never go alone and I don't know any con-goers at all... it's also sorta something I'd wanna experience with someone I care for, or potentially a really good friend.
MystBunny
5 years, 7 months ago
Ohhhh, misunderstood what you meant before. (Not replying to this post, but want to, so combining both.)

I also recommend going to cons, but do a small one first. A couple of people I dragged off to big conventions who'd never been to one experienced culture shock. Furry culture is so much different than you're probably used to. Once you adjust, you'll probably never want to go back home. hehe.
Link
5 years, 7 months ago
Haha, perhaps you're right xD
I only know of one con I could go to right now though and it takes place... hmm... this weekend I think, I don't remember. Looked it up in like october together with a friend that no longer would be able to attend it with me so I don't think I'm up for it =P
MystBunny
5 years, 7 months ago
Yeah, I had that same problem, planning to go to a con with someone who was already going, only to have them cancel closer to time. I was determined to get to one though, so I saved up, made all the arrangements myself, and dragged two people along who couldn't afford to go themselves. "If you want something done right.."
starlyte
5 years, 7 months ago
Heh wow ya...acting like an animal and all is too much. Unless you are going be a feral act like a person just with fur. You can mix in some animalistic things like maybe mewing at times or having thier agility or strength but ya. Furthest I'd do is wear a fursuit but I'd want it form fitting and I'd still talk. Never got staying silent and all to "keep up the image" Furries aren't mute...

As for sexuality I know wha cha mean. I'm bi for furries but I really don't find human males sexy. Human females are good, but think that's due to more gotta like one of the other or will never have someone. Really its more I just want some companionship, but it'd be better if was a female cause of boobies. Boobies makes everything better. =^.^= I'll drop ya a skype so we can bs back and forth. Sounds like ya could use a vent/gabbing bubby.

On the con thing I agree with the cute happy hopping bunny. Many go to em just dig through the site and try to find a group going to yours and ask if can tag along. Don't share a room or anything, but get at like same hotel so can ride with em or atleast meet at the doors of the con and walk around with em. That way you're with a crowd and not all alone while at the con. Just ideas but again make sure its people you can trust and all.  Again gonna pop ya on skype so can chat if want. =^.^=
MystBunny
5 years, 7 months ago
" Heh wow ya...acting like an animal and all is too much.

Not exactly what I meant. It's the whole atmosphere I'm talking about, or something like that.
starlyte
5 years, 7 months ago
That quote was a response to his about the few he's met before. "The people I've talked to have in most cases been very... into it, I guess. I'm not one for suits and I don't like the idea of acting like an animal irl (licking people, barking at people etc.)"

Response for yours was that I agree on him definately trying to goto a con. Can be overwhelming sure but so many go it can be easy to find a group to go with or what not.
MystBunny
5 years, 7 months ago
Oh, derp
Link
5 years, 7 months ago
Well, I might consider going to a con in the future, it is something I wanna do, but it doesn't quite work right now =P

Also accepted your invites on both Skype and Steam =)
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