(Again, no questions or guessing who this is about, and if you know keep it to yourself)
Alright, so I sorta wanna put my last journal into some sort of perspective.
I was very down when I typed it out.
You see, I've been alone my entire life. From day one until now I've been alone.
I have a very big problem with making contacts with people and every year this problem grows.
I have a few friends irl, but sadly none very close and definitely none that can help me with my loneliness.
There is nothing I fear more than the thought that I'll spend the rest of my days alone and miserable... just the fact that I'm a soon to be 29 year old virgin is like a 20 ton weight on my shoulder. It makes me feel like I'm such a fucking failure at life. That said I don't think a random one night stand would have any effect on me at all in that regard, now it would have to be with someone special, someone I'll likely spend some sort of future with.
And well my only hope is to find someone online to get close to.
This has now happened three times for me.
The first time was just stupid, I fell for someone without even getting to know them in the least.
I got shot down after only a short time and I was sad for a couple of days. Looking back I don't even wanna count it as real love.
The second time wasn't as silly, I talked with someone for a while and this person seemed to click with me. Though as time went on I felt the spark whither away, especially since this person lived in the US so the distance was a bit too great, and in the end that person fulfilled the suspicion by saying there was another person in their life and that they felt more connected. I didn't feel sad this time at all.
The third time was this time, the time that led to my previous journal...
I met this person entirely by chance 9 months ago. At first I wasn't sure what I felt. But as time passed I found myself caring deeper and deeper for this person. I told them that after a while but I couldn't get it returned in kind. I felt a bit discouraged but we kept chatting. The more we talked the more I felt that this person was made for me, everything seemed perfect, in the end I was truly, deeply in love.
For a while my hopes were ignited through a short "let's give it a try" distance relationship. This didn't hold for long though as the other person wasn't able to really say if we were meant to be before we could meet irl. I understood and respected this and after thinking about it I felt it was likely sorta the same for me, even if I couldn't really imagine loving this person more than I already did.
A visit would have to wait though because a stressful Christmas was coming up, so we agreed to wait until early this year.
Sometime during all this things became a lot more complicated though.
I don't wanna go into any details from this point but, as it turned out our early 2013 visit never happened and well now the situation is completely ruined.
I don't blame the person in the third case, I wanna make that clear. Had I read the signs better I could have had this heartache sooner and possibly in a smaller scale. I only wish my hopes had not been kept so high near the end. Everything that was promised the weeks leading up to this was broken basically.
That said I still love this person with all my heart, all it's broken pieces. I don't think I'll ever stop loving them. I hope they truly know that. Sadly my depression and anger makes me do things I regret over and over again, I just can't stop it. I guess it's just proof of how much this person meant to me.
I do hope to find someone else now though, to help me get over this recent heartache if nothing else... but I know that I will just keep comparing them to the one I felt was my perfect match, my soulmate...
I'm sorry for being such a depressed failure, but if you've actually read all the way here I thank you for caring that much about poor old me.
5 years, 6 months ago
20 Mar 2013 01:23 CET