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A journal about my thoughts no one cares about.

To no big surprise, No one seemed to really read or reply to my FWA journal, so, figure I might as well make a new one on my thoughts lately while in a mix of insanity from sickness and weirdly sane insight in the madness. As a whole, anyone that knows me knows I am in a species flux, like, near constantly. I was stable for a while, as Husky sorta, but like usual, stuff happens, I change, I end up miserable, people are disappointed. I have tried everything, tried asking others for advice, tried to ignore everyone and be what I want, various degrees in between. I even went cold turkey on Second Life, which is hard for me, as it was sorta a place I could hop on, and play with things, as that was, as I realized with some help, was a cause of change.

But I had settled not too long before FWA, to be "Ferret" and stick with it, forcing myself to stick with it even, trying to get myself to keep to something still. I was fine, I managed with it, even with stressing out, then FWA happened, traveled north to Canton, GA to hang with https://www.furaffinity.net/user/renardfoxx/ for a few days before. At the con, Thursday, at around 3, met this one fur, she was a hyena, forget her name, just remember she had a purple hyena wit ha green mohawk and tail that curled over he left hip was asking me where registration was. Told her I didn't know, we just got there too and where wondering. She asked what I was, I said Ferret, and she said "You remind me more of an otter" or some such, and that sorta started it all.

Literally, all Con, I was mistaken for an otter, or told I remind people more of an otter than ferret and so on. SO, by second or third day, I was in this weird species flux, "ferret vs otter" thing. Ferret being, The European Polecat/American Mink Hybrid that I have on my badge, and Otter being the North American River Otter/Bengal Tiger Hybrid that Immelmann drew here: https://inkbunny.net/submissionview.php?id=78111 The sorta struggle was going on all con, and even up to this very moment as I write this. And I realize the problem why, they are custom made to be just what I want in a fagsona really.

I won't really go into it all, but pretty much, the issue is, ferret started, normal ferret, and evolved in ability and form to the point that, I lost repeatability with him, and dropped him, which really is what started the search for species, and, surprise surprise, the first species I changed to from ferret? It was River Otter, likely to do from the inspiration of living with an otter tribe for years, and the first time I saw a River Otter in my back yard pond, hunting fish. It didn't help that after a long while, I hated ferrets to the point I refused for the past 2 years to be one. I still hold some sorta hate for it, but I just dunno anymore, but I am still known as Sev the ferret on Yahoo and AIM, so I end up in this weird thing of feeling obliged to be one.

But I started work on otter-tiger some time ago, with some help from a friend, and built him how I wanted sorta, to fit the issues I have. To be submissive, but able to properly dom, the be prey, but be a pred as needed, to take bottom but have the ability to top as needed. Which I could just use characters for whatever I need on RP/stories and stuff, and I understand that, but that is a cause of change for me. When I play/write with a character, the character becomes me, then I want it to be my fagsona. I in sense, lost myself long ago, when the dam between my fursona, and characters I create sorta broke and the creative juices intermingle. Not to mention, I also have their weird thing, where I need realism in stuff yet... I want things that are purely fantasy, and it just confuses my mind and adds to the stress.

I'm sure no one cares, I just, sorta felt like venting for whatever reason, and just dunno what to do right now, being stressed, tired, and still slightly sick. I'll add more to this later prolly when I get home to SC, since right now still at Red's place and being reminded I need to leave as i have been here almost 2 weeks and I guess they all are getting really sick of me.
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