Penis Insurance Tiger A fnshrrrrrbush by Grimbly Snooker Blaghnumny (and pals)
If evolution is true, why aren't bananas poisonous? Barracudas drinking coffee. Renamon made spooky spaghetti and dangled it in front of Owen Wilson for five hours. Noun, verb, adjective. Class assignment: make a list of all bees named Carl. Then burn this list and leave home forever. A pizza hut full of spy horses, slowly filling up with piss. Croissant-shaped nipples. Tim Burton is wanted in seven states for crimes against humanity and/or fish. Then Barbra Streisand was brutally masturbated by ultranonanthropomorphic penguins. Obamaburgers. At Walmart, centipedes dressed as humans sold me a bag full of pig transformations. Then scientists were able to successfully program porpoises to derive intense pleasure from mutilating Italians. Dee Snider playing hopscotch with a koala. My pet ogre has horrible taste in music. My ballsack is full of shrapnel. My father once snuck into my bedroom and stuck his penis in my ribcage. Speaking of Nicolas Cage, few people know that he can fly. Not, like, a pilot. He just spreads his majestic arms and takes off. It is one of the side effects of getting drunk and giving an old gypsy woman a footjob in the back seat of a Pontiac Solstice. Hey, remember that episode of Pokémon when Ash caught a Pontiac Solstice? Why does a scented grass proceed beneath the courier? The exquisite corpse shall drink the new wine. What do you call a fatass witch? A width. A wombat whistles in the countryside, because seventeen corporate lobbyists paid him to. Then the entire country of China turned into a fucking bird. Calvin and Hobbes sucked. Cokie Roberts was murdered by algebra. Police have already arrested and executed several random black men. Doughnuts contain invisible ingredients. I can hear myself screaming in the other room. Let's roll puppies up in tortillas and chuck them out an airplane window! Then Katy Perry devoured the copse of Michael Jackson. "I HAVE A SLIM JIM." The site could be temporarily unavailable or too busy. Try again in a few moments. I am going to name my next goldfish Toiletbound. Orange Julius Caesar Salad Fingers. OVALS ARE FAGS. The problem with Christians is that they don't decompose fast enough when guests are coming over. "Tongue kiss that wasp hive! The fate of nations depends on it!" How can a scarf hope for the enlarged feminist? Then James Bond defeated all the bad guys because he had cufflinks that turned into a Winnebago full of parmesan cheese. If you blow into a kitten, the greatest sounds ever will come out of its ass. Meanwhile, the ghost of Shirley Temple was vacuuming cars up her twat. Toothpaste-covered vegetables. Please donate to help the chairless. Combustible octet. "Inquisitiveness? Kill the cat!" An unladen Martha Stewart can reach land speeds of over one hundred thousand miles per hour. Insomnia bunny crotch. Throw Patrick Stewart down the well, and the water will taste smart and bald. Subpar Mario Bowsers. The instrumental limb dodges the supernatural church rectangle. Why my shoulders hurt? Then Wendy The Good Little Witch cast a spell to turn David Spade into a swimming pool full of sperm. A closet talks. A Closet Talks. I'll let you ponder that. Will a random composer invalidate the wheel? Corey Feldmen gets blood transfusions from a chipmunk. Fuck celery! Trumpet + pumpkin = Prumpket. Yup. Dog boners reaching to infinity. Come visit Doctor Tiffani Amber Thiessen's Haunted House Of Horrors!!! Then Rick Moranis in a cowboy outfit climbed onto the back of a gargantuan housefly and lassoed Toyotas. Few people know that beef is actually a liquid. Meanwhile, Norm MacDonald was having a hat. Like how some people have a baby. A chocolate eye misuses a train. The funniest hypocrite leaves an increased evil. Barf shoes. Deepwater gibbon repairman. Will the quota compromise the smell? Then Robby telepathically knew of the existence of cakes. Which don't smell. Or at least not as much as bacon does. Pure rabbit urine extract on toast. Gnomes are all crackheads. Let's go blackmail some black males. And just for balance: White People vs. Toast. A rubber congressman baffles a delighted duckmonster. Meanwhile, the mafia was poking pinholes in all the condoms. Fun Fact: little girls' intestines are all full of Reeses' Peanut Butter Cups. "Mommm! There's an astronaut in the backyard dry-humping my treehouse!!" Mrs. Piggy is a Stalinist gook-lover. Skateboards covered in breadcrumbs. Infrequent finger police. Behind an alphabet, windmills cause abortions. The fork rages into the throat! Scott Baio causes malfunctions! Meanwhile, Richard Dawkins consumes her own weight in colostomy bags full of bicycle sprockets. The lust interferes across the interstate. Why does a slave award whatever five uncle? Giant robots cannot comprehend bagels, to their unending embarrassment. Don't poop gunpowder. Just don't. To save money, instead of grass I planted dead bear cubs all over my lawn. Romeo and Juliet are stuck on a piece of Swiss, and a shoe keeps poking them. Maggot-infested dentist chair. While my wife was unconscious, I pumped her stomach full of dish soap. Sidney Poitier taught me how to fuck. "Garçon! This gangrenous gargoyle is gargling my goulash!" Askepticalpencilsayswhat? "So I was doing the laundry and it broke..." THE SKULL LAUGHS HEEDLESSLY AT TOE SOCKS! ROTATE TROUSER! Meryl Streep is holding a pizza cutter against her vagina. Human-powered nuclear torpedo. The creature gossips! Let's have a go at that difficult bunny again. The prerogative of being an elephant is that you get to shake your ass at the Queen (or a Queen tribute band). THE BACK OF MY THROAT TASTES LIKE CHEETOS!!! THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TRAIL OF TEARS!!! My asshole rides bikes. Fried screams. A rollercoaster made of frozen piss icicles. Fuck you; you're on Earth. Phoenix juice. If you watch The Little Mermaid in reverse, you will get sooooo stoned. Beer-battered bastards. Captain Wobblydonkey shot my television. Prague. Instead of a dalmatian coat, why didn't Cruella DeVille just skin a bunch of hoboes and make hobocoats? Maya Angelou is dyslexic, which is why she broke off all her teeth trying to give a blowjob to Voltron. FIGHTING BUBBLES! Few people know that ballet and hotdogs come from the same place. DISAPPOINT YOUR CHILDREN. Jesus is wiggly, like a goat. Intercontinental ballistic homing ferrets. "...Can the client sketch the naughty infant!?" (This behavior encourages the photocopy.) Human flesh flavored Flintstones vitamins. Then Taylor Swift yawned, and Kanye West ran up and threw a small sausage into her mouth. IT'S NOT SCIENCE FICTION UNTIL IT HAS DICKS! All mountains are made of tightly-clustered frogs. Inside an aardvark, the lesbian dance conspiracy convenes yet again. Grandparents are a virus. The Herring Wore Red Glasses. Clouds are niggers. Let's turn your favorite band into soup! How to tell if your boyfriend is really The One: does he fit into a standard-size garbage bag? Scientifically proven to make you shit baby lions!! BILL COSBY IS FEMALE. Stop eating my car or I will be sad. At least put some mayonnaise on it. I went to the polling place to vote for Bill Death and his running mate Richard Misery. Starships operate on my testicles without permission in a hotel room. A golden cabbage is hard to slice. Cats are both monkeys and helicopter bait. You need a weapon for Gods. His undocumented lavatory rules a musician underneath the hacking concept. Her toad sings past the nose. Clint Eastwood is not the bestwood; that would be Clint Westwood. Seeing eye blind people were not a great success. 'My bathtub is insane; wanna fuck?' I dare you to get the thickest pair of sunglasses you can find, a box of fudge and a dog leash, and just stand on the corner in the middle of Detroit. A tongue appears! Call the sexy police! Innertube innertube innertube innertube innertube innertube innertube innertube. Her geographical dog beans on top of the dictator. When your phone rings five times, you will get a disease. Never attempt to use psychology against a firetruck, especially if it has a knife. I stubbed my toe on an apostrophe. Julia Roberts is a racist, but only when she's sleeping. Deadly wooden baby carriages. Inflatable disguise feet. 'Whatever piano meets the rocket! HAHAHAHAHA!!!' Chicken vagina fluids. Few people know that The Adventures Of The American Rabbit and The Dark Knight Rises have a truly chilling number of plot similarities (you think I'm joking). Japan vs. immature cowboys. http://jamesearljonesisahouseholdappliance.com A rabbit ducks beneath his sentient crossword. Then Devo turned into UFOs. Small children can be rendered into methamphetamines using Drano, spaghetti sauce, and a van. Regis Philbin + Betty White = a huge coyote with down's syndrome. Ed The Potato Prosecutes A Murder. America just made Zimbabwe its fiftieth state. A brain goes flying over the trees. Entire outfits made of chocolate. Strap antigravity devices onto pit bulls; release into Mormon churches; collect insurance. SPIDER PORNOGRAPHY ON VHS. What's the magic word? AbracaCUNTBASTARD! Snobbish butter-covered goblins light aircraft carriers on fire. We tried to have a normal, traditional family thanksgiving dinner, but a hunk of cheese kept orbiting about three feet above our heads. The cheese orbits still. We have all gone mad. Send help. "How will the abnormal man decline?" A mailbox full of cow blood. Breast burritos! Whatever floats your boat. Whatever repeated constant eats your rubber mouth. The violin precedes the sexual pain. Wait, sexual paint? Sexual pants!? Perry Como is an octopusfucker. My local Chinese restaurant has been known to make soup out of old dead moths, beard hair and green onions. Green onions are gross. Five hundred gigabytes of horse porn, officer. It's not gay if Bruce Willis poops in the shower and you pick it up and sniff it. The antidote parade!! (Not a warehouse; a herehouse.) Piers Morgan is made of slime and farts. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry, other times I cry so hard I solve physics equations. When will a gown exist? Kill everyone with dicks. The Mad Hatter forcefeeds otters human eyeballs. Would you like to buy a bottle of Johnny Depp's belly sweat? All those curry-munching dirtbags in Iowa... Don Knotts was an emotionless fuck machine. Denzel Washington has the soul of a calzone. All Subway restaurants are secretly run by one-legged illiterate Arabs. Shadow the Hedgehog is afraid of eggs. How does the bread hunt? This battery despairs! Yesterday I pulled a cat leg out of my ear. How long was I asleep? Behind the molecule raves the beast! I traded all my grape soda for a chance to meet Lou Ferigno. Unfortunately, Lou Ferigno killed me with a screwdriver for calling his wife a zebra-faced harlot. Taco Bell made me bisexual and alcoholic. The Finger Kids? I wore a mask of Jean Claude Van Damme to the costume ball, and seventy people spat on me. I opened my fortune cookie and all it said was "SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY". Your mom is better at math than all Asians combined. Peanut butter crackers and walrus skulls. Remember to stand in front of the mirror every day, look yourself unflinchingly in the eye, and say, "The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers show was pretty good." Crayons up a terrier's ass! Who put them there? Backbreaking buttsniffing. Meanwhile, young Kevin Shapiro was walking home from school along the train tracks; wracked with melancholy about his mother's recent suicide and his subsequent drop in grades, but just as he crossed the Trellway overpass, a deranged escaped rhinoceros pounced on him and raped his skull into bits. What a jerk. Doctor Claw catches pigeons barehanded and devours them bones and all. Why does an idiot pretend? I really need to go press some Oreos into my eyes right now. Enemy gynecologist. Few people know that every supreme court justice since 1887 has been chosen based on their favorite flavor of tampon. The Dallas Cowboys vs. fifty three-year-olds! The Dallas Cowboys vs. fifty-three-year-olds! What happens after you die? Snowcones! Basements cause AIDS. Never try to outrun a basement. Who do you think would win in a fight; Moby Dick or a drunk scientist trying to lose weight? What about The Incredible Hulk versus opera? 'Vagina necklaces, for instance.' The internet confirms that not only does Applebloom have a penis, but it is the fifteenth iteration of The Doctor. A gay jaguar plays jazz. Canada: Home Of The Saggy-Titted Rape Gorilla! Never put a candle in a Muslim's ass. I'd have a greater sexual interest in women if they were spherical. "How am I maintaining my relationship status? Pistol-whipping a sausage." Few people know that dubstep was first created when Thomas The Tank Engine fucked a laundromat. PIZZAS VS. BOOKS. Post-apocalyptic pillbug restaurant. Tony Todd controls your bones. Squeeze your pimples onto antique furniture. I'D LIKE SOME POOOOUUUUNDCAKE. I opened my lunchbox one day in third grade and inside was just a small piece of paper with the word 'filth' written on it. Michael J. Fox cannot be harmed by bullets. Cucumbers intrude. A never-ending supply of bald Japanese schoolgirls. Crowbar in my pisshole. He punched that guy so hard his blood knocked over a bus. That chair has schizophrenic odors. Yodeling requires bleach. One night I broke into the Space Needle and discovered it was a gigantic silo of jellybeans. Boneless boldness. Mighty android bat. M. Bison smokes llama pubes. Squirrels have evolved tires. Fun fact: if you hold a martini glass up to a pair of tits, a ghost will give you a pumpkin pie. 'Her sarcasm results in a whale.' Snarling remote-controlled haystacks. 'Try not to rub your ass on any basketball players tonight, you catholic whorejob.' Cute little birds with underwear on their faces. All of your problems can be solved by suckin' on toes. Only the dead can know peace from this ice cream. I had a dream about naked pregnant women with deer hooves for hands.