The World's Ugliest Children vs. A Truck
a heartwarming holiday fairy tale
by Grimbly Snooker Blaghnumny.
In 1982 in Seattle, Georgia, Kenny Rogers sang in front of a live audience, "You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. And know when to castrate me like a sheepdog." And then he was assaulted by seventeen left-handed superpedestrians armed with pumpkins. After the fracas, they were found Not Guilty in a court of law due to the fact that assaulting Kenny Rogers is a basic human right. Also, they met and married seventeen knife-wielding Armenian prostitutes and had a good time. Pasta bombs. Meanwhile, Mulder and Scully were investigating alien life forms found living deep inside Oprah Winfrey's fat rolls. "It's like the Holocaust! But with Pop Rocks!!" Then Sven taught a wren to bend pens. Poodles are incapable of logic. The word 'Fuck' tastes like orange sherbert with peas. Someday I'm going to move to Australia, but I haven't figured out how I'm going to bring my favorite 32 cubic meters of air molecules with me. A giant Ziploc? Don't make iguanas wear dresses or they will become corrupted by Stan. Not Satan; Stan. Jamaica can go take a shit for all I care. Save me, tiny plastic dollhouse furniture! Did you know that Paul Simon is capable of vomiting fire in seven different directions if you insert his enclosed AA batteries and pay him fifty dollars? Once upon a time I shat an entire grizzly bear head in front of my in-laws. The funniest part was that I hadn't constricted and swallowed whole any grizzalies since at least 2003. "Emma put a handful of shit in the VCR!!" I have a hard time staying conscious when David Letterman is masturbating onto the TV set in my hotel room. I usually just whack him on the head with the Gideon Bible so I can get some antisleep. Then I put tomatoes where they are not supposed to be. This was in protest against the teachers' unions being granted the right to unlimited use of The Swimming Pool Filled With Cheetos. Fun Fact: did you know that back in the nineties a guy actually pooped off the high dive into The Swimming Pool Filled With Cheetos? He got the death penalty for it (in the parking lot, via several mid-size sedans), but the peculiar part is that all the Cheetos tasted a lot better for a few days. They had a certain je ne sais quois. Then Casper The Friendly Ghost grew giant mammaries and started crying. If I woke up one day transformed into Jon Stewart, I would use my powers for 40% good, 50% evil and 10% taco theft. Then Twishy Careastar gave me a foot massage with her disembodied feet. Bees do not equal cake. "Here, have a basket of these MOIST TAMPONS." I was uninterested in seeing the sequel to Birdemic until I heard that they'd signed up the entire cast of The Golden Girls. Even the dead ones. It's called Birdemic II: Birds Peck Out Flailing Old Ladies' Eyes For One Hundred And Forty Minutes. I hope it is in 3D. Black Lotus pudding pops were not a great success. Neither were Lobster Farts In A Drum. If you ever find a baby in a burrito, just go on ahead and eat the damn thing, because it will never grow up to be a famous country & western singer/robot whore manufacturer. Meanwhile, Cher was trimming her nose hairs with the Jaws Of Life. It sounded like a battleship scraping against an iceberg. After she was done, she donated the results to the National Aeronautics & Space Museum in Idontwannagotosteveshouse, California. I'm not against abortion, I just think we need to give fetuses tubas. What the fuck is a samoflange? Then the Magic School Bus kids did an episode on Catholicism where they all got turned into condoms and were used to prevent pregnancy, then they went to Hell. It is my favorite episode, because it's so true. Then Stephen Tyler fell in a meat grinder and his lips were turned into forty seven thousand pounds of hotdogs. I am impenetrable by cowboy eggs. Then Destro and Cobra Commander went ice skating together and had strawberry milkshakes afterwards while crushing baby ducks under their boots. Their shiny, shiny boots. Then an evil lumberjack hypnotized all the Smurfs into believing that they were Josef Stalin, and even superglued tiny mustaches onto all of them. The result was not pretty. Then Princess Jasmine got drunk off her ass on Rolling Rock and went bowling. Then I went to the grocery store and bought a pillow-sized lasagna noodle filled with dog hair. Meanwhile, Robert Jowney Dunior was teaching seals to lactate musically. Then Lawrence Fishburne ejaculated in my ear canal so I could hear the Matrix. Then Rainbow Brite saved the universe from Jew lawyers. Then she got married to Mrs. Dash and gave birth to a pony. Then Jesus taught some blind kids how to urinate sideways. Then the Decepticons captured Matthew Broderick, covered him in oil, and forced him to dance for them until he passed out. But he was too wily for those giant metal titans. With his enhanced slipperyness, he squeezed right through their clumsy Cybertronian fingers and thumbs and commandeered their spaceship and drove them all into the side of a volcano, killing everyone slightly-less-than-instantly. But not Matthew Broderick, because angels swooped in to save him and give him a free pectoral massage and TCBY. Rolling poops. Does a Jello gun fire Jello or is it made of Jello? I think we need a constitutional amendment to keep our nation's precious black people from being carried away by goddamn owls. I propose a similar amendment to give poorly-made plastic magic tricks to Bangladesh. Meanwhile, I was sitting around in my sister's underwear, feeling my thighs becoming progressively more stuck to our horse-leather recliner, eating a bowl of pork rinds, Tums and milk, thinking about chapter fifty-nine of my Alex Mack/Sailor Mercury crossover fanfic, when I noticed something slightly 'off' about The Flintstones. The episode started normally, with Fred punching the shit out of Betty while Barney peered through the windows and beat off into the flowerbed. But then things took an awkward turn when Wilma received a brain-altering signal from an unknown technology and started stuffing Pebbles head-first down the garbage disposal (which was of course a fat little dinosaur with a New Jersey accent). While this was going on, Fred came home and started cramming bowling balls down his throat, apparently affected by the same malevolent brain signal. Then a bunch of aliens that looked like red-eyed piles of computer circuitry came out of the sky and they herded all the residents of Bedrock out of town and into an active volcano, where they all burned alive silently. Then my favorite Nestle Quik commercial came on. Meanwhile, Oprah was preparing to haul her sweaty, enraged ass over here to pummel me into oblivion for that fat-rolls joke. Good luck getting here, darling! I know your greatest weakness! STAIRS!!! Then a man named Pasquale Abrahms invented a way to turn bellybuttons into gasoline. Then Bela Lugosi puckered his lips and vacuumed up all the world's fried baloney sandwiches. Then Adrian Brody drove a Jeep into a haystack. Then I sent my pet robot out for some cheese pizza but when it came back it had been mutated into a tiger/robot hybrid, so I had to get out the garden shears and prune its paws and balls. Did I mention that Maya Angelou has seven asses? Detroit Michigan: Astronaut Rape Capital Of The World. Meanwhile, Emma Watson was having a violent allergic reaction to those new Caramel And Papaya Twizzlers, which resulted in her growing one hundred and one feet tall in the middle of San Diego's Comic Con. Since all her clothes exploded, many thousands of nerds all attempted to scale her ankles and shins and become smothered to death in her gargantuan radioactive pussy lips. However, Emma had inadvertently thwarted them by shaving her legs real good that day, giving them no hair follicles to grab onto. Scads of nerds fell to the pavement below, yowling in disappointment, joining the untold hundreds squashed into tomato paste beneath her Size 1600 barely legal feet. Then some talented squirrels played teeny little trombones in the park! How cute! Did you know that, if you hold it just right, a standard Vlasic pickle can look just like a Labora Fontbernat M-1938 submachine gun? "Yesterday when I was out walking I found a bag of adult diapers. So I dragged it out into the middle of the street and fucked it while cars detoured around me. That's normal, right?" Far below the castle, several enormous bats were plotting absolutely nothing sinister. If you don't want to spend money on a new car, you can just staple some Chinese guys together and that will work fine. Our progress on the Anti-Happiness Equation was severely delayed when Jason & The Argonauts jumped out of a bush and ferociously waved their dicks at us. Did you know that in New York City, neurotransmitters in the rainwater give everyone the super-ability to impersonate Keanu Reeves' farts? Tonight for dinner I ate a whole plateful of Terror-Flavored Hamburger Helper. It tastes like sheer helpless dread! With beef! It's a lot better than chewing up humongous sections of my neighbor's sidewalks. Meanwhile, Dr. Wholethedogsout was allowing one thousand Daleks to buttfuck him, for peace. What if... okay, follow me on this... what if one day you were on the toilet pooping, right? And your poop came out, but it was in a wrapper. A plastic wrapper. Like what candy bars come in. It even said 'POOP!' right on the label, and had an ingredients list and everything. And on the side there was a contest where if you sent in forty wrappers you could win a visit from Christina Aguilera. Do you think you would try to poop more, or less? Last week I masturbated so hard to the Thundercats my left eye started bleeding. Q: What's the difference between feminism and a bagel? A: Bagels have more dietary fiber. Meanwhile, Bruce Campbell was reluctantly changing Neil Degrasse Tyson's full-body turbodiaper. Then some sheep happened. Then Rainbow Dash and Cheerilee had inexplicable orgasms from going down the water slide. Then Canada grew a beard (Montana was swallowed in fur). Then dentistry was declared illegal. Then Sean Penn threw up the Backstreet Boys. Then dinosaurs ruled the mall. Then the Sony Playstation became sentient and flew to Mars to start a Buddhist commune/haggis restaurant. Then Taylor Lautner exploded from too much acne. Then Barbra Streisand exploded from too much acne. Then John Ratzenberger arm-wrestled The Pope and won, thereby usurping his Popedom and ushering in a new era of beer-and-broads-centric religious practices. Meanwhile, a hedgehog dreamt of Cambodia. "Evildoers beware! For I am Benicio Del Toro Man! With all the proportionate strengths and abilities of Benicio Del Toro!" Then the marketing department at RJ Reynolds figured out how to inject tobacco juice directly into bees, so that when the bees stung people they would become addicted to nicotine. This ended in catastrophic failure when Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold rose from the dead to murder and sodomize them. (The marketing department, I mean. Not the bees. Oh, who am I kidding. The bees too. The boys had very small dicks which were able to penetrate bee genitalia with little resistance.) Then Hello Kitty joined Hamas. Then Bill Cosby made passionate love to his couch. Meanwhile, on the planet of Suburbiaisawesome, Batman was eating corn chowder out of an old boot after deciding to give up crimefighting and become a hobo. Without his presence in Gotham City, the Joker soon was elected mayor and pushed hard for common-sense education reforms. Then Santa Claus punched him in the asshole and pulled out a kitten. If we replaced all the world's autistic toddlers with equally-sized rocks, would anyone disapprove? If we strapped the corpse of Harry Houdini to a Saturn V rocket and shot it into the heart of Neptune, do you think it would spontaneously generate living organisms capable of purchasing cell phone plans? If you tied a string REALLY TIGHT around a moose and dangled it off the Golden Gate Bridge... Dammit I lost my train of thought. Meanwhile, Stephen Fry was relaxing naked in a kiddie pool full of melted butter. It smelled fantastic. Then some friendly monster trucks came over to watch Desperate Horsewives with him on the telly. Meanwhile, here's a list of things that went into my girlfriend's butt last night: a bowl of wax fruit, a chili pot, an old CRT television set and a coffee table. She converted them all into nuclear fuel rods. Meanwhile, Arthur Dent was lactating small amphibians, again. Meanwhile, I was yelling anti-semitic slurs at ice cream cones, to ward off the Diarrhea Demons Of Botany Bay. Meanwhile, the ghost of Freddie Mercury was teaching otters to tapdance. How cute! Meanwhile, several young girls were driven to drooling fits of uncontrollable lust by big shiny photos of motorcycles. Meanwhile, Suzy the Renamon was robbing a bank with a civil war cannon. After filling her bag with swag, she hopped in her ethanol-powered flying VW Microbus and eluded State Police for seventeen hours. They eventually caught up with her, but by then it was past dinnertime so she simply devoured them all. By the same time tomorrow, she was pushing out an eight-foot turd embedded with handcuffs, billy clubs, shoes and bits of blue uniform. The Japanese government gave her a medal. Then Robert Redford went broke trying to invent a dildo made of salad dressing. Then Shia LeBeouf woke up covered in weasels! Then the members of Limp Biscuit and Lincoln Park bought some Fruit Loops at a Toys Are Us. Then they were accosted in the parking lot by an asexual albino child named Peggy who wanted to sell them some stolen Rolls Royce hood ornaments. Considering how obvious it should be by now that the pandas have an extinction fetish, shouldn't we just supply them with all the nylon ropes and ecstasy pills they want and let 'em go at it? Who are we to judge their lifestyle? I once went on a date with an F-16 fighter jet. It was a debacle. For starters, she didn't even come close to fitting in my car (front OR back seat). Then at dinner, she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and only ate half of it. Finally, the last straw was when I dropped her off at her airport and, just as I was giving her a goodnight kiss, she simultaneously jettisoned her entire fuel load all over my brand new Chuck Taylors while discharging her M61 vulcan cannon into my eyebrows. What a cunt. Then Mr. Magoo accidentally performed six abortions while trying to stuff his Thanksgiving turkey. On the upside, the ladyfolks did give birth to several pounds of Stove Top dripping with delicious sausage gravy. Meanwhile, edible towels. Meanwhile, Mr. Goat Tube Head was Segwaying to work when he heard a strange sound. It was the cast of Grey's Anatomy being mechanically sewn into the collar of a gigantic suede jacket meant for King Ghidorah. His birthday was coming up, and Godzilla wanted to get him something special that year to increase the chance of a covert handjob from him behind the bleachers. Then all the world's Tylenol caught on fire. No reason! It just did! Then Wynona Ryder ordered the beheading of Wynona Ryder. Is Wynona a color? Then Mr. Toodleypoots put the special sauce on Mrs. Widdlyscuds' fart-dumplings and they all flew to WOOPY-MA-DOO LAND. How much money do I have to pay you people before you'll start producing clones of Regis Philbin that don't degenerate into mounds of amoebic slime the second I teach them how to kill the goddamn Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders!? Then I found a scar on my arm in the shape of Wayne Gretzky eating a Tootsie Roll. Then a bunch of peg-legged swashbuckling pirates gathered on deck and had a World's Longest Poop competition. Then there was panic at the drive-in when the 10:30 showing of The Oogieloves In The Big Colonoscopy Adventure was replaced by home movies of seven topless rabbit sisters with three boobs each and mouths between their butt cheeks, all making out on top of a brontosaurus. Then my lawnmower called me a niggerfucker (which was true, just ask the nuns). Then that guy who writes the Discworld novels was held up in traffic by the spontaneous existence of spaghetti and meatballs. Then Mickey Mouse sat in front of a Walmarts, eating out of a gallon jar of mayonnaise with his bare hands. Well, okay, technically with his gloved hands. And only because Minnie was taking so long inside, picking out a bra that wouldn't fall straight down her vinyl-like titless torso. Then a magic parrot showed me how to make cookies that would repel submarines. Gee, those sure came in handy on Thursday! White people are genetically identical to Fruit Roll-Ups. Which do you prefer: Killfrogg's Frosted Mingey Wheats, Smellogg's Frosted Mammy Weeps, or Korbenn's Phloston Multi Pass? Then my roommate was arrested for selling bootleg individually-wrapped Sean Connerys in Chinatown. It is well known that in most Asian countries, powdered spine of Sean Connery is a popular folk remedy for stuttering and butt-moss. "Hey, I didn't order this pizza with black olives, roach motels and bacon!" We've secretly replaced Mrs. Sneldgewick's family with twenty vacuum cleaners all covered in bubblegum. Let's see if she notices. Ah, yes... Mrs. Snelgewick appears to be yodeling in unrestrained relief and throwing all her clothes out onto the front yard. What an interesting reaction. Oh look! Now she's french-kissing the piano! Meanwhile, Presidentata Baracko Bama was picking his nose in front of a mirror and wondering if he could steal a bunch of cool helicopters when he left office. Just then, Vice President Scott Baio barged in with some bad news: Condoleeza Rice had been kidnapped by Bolivian ice cream truck operators and they were demanding seventeen million dollars for her release. Mr. Barocky just giggled like a pigeon and told Scott Baio to tell the Bolivian ice cream truck operators they could kiss his ass. The Bolivian ice cream truck drivers were disappointed, but decided to keep Condi around as their mascot and dishwasher. Freed from the drudgery of politics, Condoleeza Rice gained new insight into contentment, changed her name to Julio, slept with all the Bolivian ice cream truck operators twice, and went on to become a major league baseball umpire. What the fuck am I writing?
P.S. Don't forget to cover yourself in spray-on latex rubber every time it rains, or else all your calcium will fall out.