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MizuAstrum

Life, Cons, and Regret (Last Journal)

Okay, a few things going on in life:

1. The job I received at a marketing firm in Columbus turned out to be crap. I was told to do door-to-door sales where my ENTIRE PAY was based on commissions. Also, it felt more like a pyramid scheme than anything. Before I could even quit though, I ran out of money and couldn't get to work. So I was terminated under the 3-week trial period of my contract with my employer. NEVER DO SALES! Lesson Learned.

2. Since my removal from my job, I have been job-hunting relentlessly. However the day I saw my bank account was almost depleted and that my family refused to help me, I have resorted to government aid and temp agencies. At the moment, I am receiving Food Stamps, I filed for Unemployment, and I have a temp job concluding on Friday. I don't have a license or money for the bus, so I have to be within walking distance of any future job for the time-being. I have a roommate who has a car, but he's not willing to drive me everyday, especially when he's in a similar financial hole as I. Understandable, but it sucks that my job search is so limited.

3. It just seems that my life is starting to spiral a bit downward. I feel as walled in my own thoughts as I did before joining the fandom. While I may not accept all of myself, doesn't mean no one else should. I know the counter-argument for my statement that "you have to love yourself before you love others," but I reply with the Tree falling in the forest proverb. Although the tree is trying to gain attention or is trying to show others that it has confidence, no one is around to care. It doesn't help that anyone really replies to my calls, texts, IMs, Twitter, etc... Maybe no one wants to deal with me. But the days prior to this inevitability seems to be the start and peak of my friendships. I know I have met some wonderful people that I could brag about for days, it makes me wonder if I even have those qualities. Like am I spoken as highly as I talk about another person I find amazing? It kind of occurred to me that maybe I shouldn't attend any conventions. For one, my financial issue and also because I don't feel the drive to attend anymore. Hell, I'm missing my "homecon," FurFright, and it pains me to not be with people I've known for years. MFF is a HUGE long-shot, but not likely at this point.

4. Back in the past, I talked about how I was adopted. To tell the truth I've been hiding from everyone: I DID have an offer to stay in New York City. It would have been with my Grandmother in the Bronx. One issue was that she spoke nothing but Spanish and I could barely keep up with her when I was visiting her once in a while. The language and age barrier between her (age 95) and I (age 21) was immense. Another issue was my birth family. They abandoned me when I was one and ever since, I regretted them. After a breakdown a while back, I uncovered a skeleton in the family closet. Apparently, I was supposed to be aborted and I was almost sold for crack by my birth mother. The last thing I wanted in my life was to be around them. But one of the breaking points for me in the deal was the fact that my Uncle Jesus died in the room she offered me. I was in there after he died, and I kept hearing his voice; so much that when I go in there I start to cry. On hindsight, I would have had a place to stay closer to where I was born and raised and probably would have had more time to job-hunt in New York. Yet, I wanted to make a name for myself. I wanted my life to be better because I had control of it. I wanted to escape the demons in the past that lied in New York City. Instead, I just lost control of my life and I'm now back in my shell. Maybe everyone was right in my Childhood: that I should not speak unless spoken to, my opinions and emotions don't matter, and that I should just do as I'm told willingly and blindly.

So long story short, I'm the stereotypical furry, one whom doesn't wish to be here anymore.
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Added: 5 years, 9 months ago
 
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