I've been a brony for nearly eight months now, and the fandom has given me a serious and enjoyable outlet for my artistic side. Before bronyism, within the furry fandom which I've been a part of longer, I was only an occasional artist that would draw maybe once every one or two weeks, sometimes even longer. It only gave me a little sensation of enjoyment for each picture, so it was essentially a side hobby at that time. I've drawn ever since first getting into Sonic games way back when; I still have all my preteen doodles from 2000 and before in a big binder.
After drawing one, two, three ponies, I started doing them exclusively for a few months. It was a pretty big rush; I began a Deviantart page, where I discovered their group system, of which I try to make sure to take advantage of each time I submit to the place. It's honestly the best way to get attention for your things, despite the terrible and slow interface that the site has. I don't have to bust my ass on a picture to get 100 views on anything normal anymore, unlike Furaffinity(which I neglect these days). With how the brony fandom is, this feels like the way to go, to provide entertainment in the way of visual art for all, and I've been riding this train ever since.
What am I getting at, you may ask? For a while now, I've been increasingly frustrated with my artwork, despite supposedly enjoying it all these months. Emotional pressures lately call me to 'let it out', as these things usually should be handled. It's selfish, both my feelings on these matters and the fact that I'm relaying it at all, to simply find some calm. It probably won't work, but I'm doing it anyway since it's better to just let it out than sitting on the feelings and going mad.
The thing is, my real goal in the way of art is to leave a mark in a positive(or negative) fashion. I want to be recognized, have some know my name, my art be seen by one without a signature or any form of personalization and them going 'Hey, that's Lamia's!' Wanting fame isn't exactly unique or looked highly upon, but the effort I put forth along with the results just makes me crave for more attention. It's a bit of an addiction, but it's human nature to want more than what you already have, no matter how settled you are.
I value the people a lot, each and every comment, every favorite, every single view. The happiness I get when I see the numbers go up, it's inexplicable. One hundred. Two hundred. Five. A thousand. Even a few ten thousands. My jaw drops. All these people see my work and have their own feelings about it, commenting, sharing, laughing. That's what I want, to just be seen, to share my vision with those interested, especially in the humor and comedy that I tend to draw often. The rush just makes me want more, so I do more, mostly for them. I do draw a line though, and make sure what I make is also enjoyable by my own interests, and not do it purely for their sake; that's when it becomes soulless, but in that sense, I don't get as much attention as I could otherwise.
Which brings me to the important part: I possess a great amount of jealousy. Huge. Like, you can't even imagine. The amount of envy that I have over other artists is so enormous, I can't even watch, literally. I avoid pony art and other fandom content on purpose, because I can't bear to look. I'm always out of the loop when there are name drops; popular art, music, stories, even animations, they're all a mystery to me because I prefer it that way. I don't ask because I don't want to know.
What's your first reaction when you come across a really great piece of art? It's awesome, right? You enjoy it so much, you just have to share it with others. Maybe even on another site. Whenever I think about this when it comes to other artists, it pains me greatly.
What's the first thing I think of when I see other art? How many people are going to see this? How does it measure up to mine? How popular is this artist? What's going to make this seen? I'm stuck in this whole popularity contest-mindset currently and it's been hitting me pretty hard for quite a while now.
The part that boggles my mind is that I don't have these feelings for non-pony art. It's only ponies. I never had this kind of emotion when it came to furry art or the like. Perhaps it's just because of the fandom itself; me and just about every other brony is incredibly passionate about our love for these technicolor cartoon horses, despite their simplicity, although we enhance it all. Not only that, but it might be because I've actually gotten notice compared to my furry stuff. This scale of care is simply multiplied by it, is all. The amount of interest and attention doesn't even compare.
I just felt like sharing, anyway. In time, just like anything else, I will get over it and be able to tolerate the issue, getting back to my one-a-day ponies. Maybe I'll even grow to enjoy fandom content as I should. I suppose the best way to deal with it would be to simply expose myself to it all, but it's easier on my emotions to not do so. I'm just a coward that prefers her tiny little one-way street of artistic expression.
Either way, art is fleeting. If I don't keep up, I will be forgotten; that is the worst fear of all.