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Lamia

A bit of rambling about my feelings on art.

by
I've been a brony for nearly eight months now, and the fandom has given me a serious and enjoyable outlet for my artistic side. Before bronyism, within the furry fandom which I've been a part of longer, I was only an occasional artist that would draw maybe once every one or two weeks, sometimes even longer. It only gave me a little sensation of enjoyment for each picture, so it was essentially a side hobby at that time. I've drawn ever since first getting into Sonic games way back when; I still have all my preteen doodles from 2000 and before in a big binder.

After drawing one, two, three ponies, I started doing them exclusively for a few months. It was a pretty big rush; I began a Deviantart page, where I discovered their group system, of which I try to make sure to take advantage of each time I submit to the place. It's honestly the best way to get attention for your things, despite the terrible and slow interface that the site has. I don't have to bust my ass on a picture to get 100 views on anything normal anymore, unlike Furaffinity(which I neglect these days). With how the brony fandom is, this feels like the way to go, to provide entertainment in the way of visual art for all, and I've been riding this train ever since.

What am I getting at, you may ask? For a while now, I've been increasingly frustrated with my artwork, despite supposedly enjoying it all these months. Emotional pressures lately call me to 'let it out', as these things usually should be handled. It's selfish, both my feelings on these matters and the fact that I'm relaying it at all, to simply find some calm. It probably won't work, but I'm doing it anyway since it's better to just let it out than sitting on the feelings and going mad.

The thing is, my real goal in the way of art is to leave a mark in a positive(or negative) fashion. I want to be recognized, have some know my name, my art be seen by one without a signature or any form of personalization and them going 'Hey, that's Lamia's!' Wanting fame isn't exactly unique or looked highly upon, but the effort I put forth along with the results just makes me crave for more attention. It's a bit of an addiction, but it's human nature to want more than what you already have, no matter how settled you are.

I value the people a lot, each and every comment, every favorite, every single view. The happiness I get when I see the numbers go up, it's inexplicable. One hundred. Two hundred. Five. A thousand. Even a few ten thousands. My jaw drops. All these people see my work and have their own feelings about it, commenting, sharing, laughing. That's what I want, to just be seen, to share my vision with those interested, especially in the humor and comedy that I tend to draw often. The rush just makes me want more, so I do more, mostly for them. I do draw a line though, and make sure what I make is also enjoyable by my own interests, and not do it purely for their sake; that's when it becomes soulless, but in that sense, I don't get as much attention as I could otherwise.

Which brings me to the important part: I possess a great amount of jealousy. Huge. Like, you can't even imagine. The amount of envy that I have over other artists is so enormous, I can't even watch, literally. I avoid pony art and other fandom content on purpose, because I can't bear to look. I'm always out of the loop when there are name drops; popular art, music, stories, even animations, they're all a mystery to me because I prefer it that way. I don't ask because I don't want to know.

What's your first reaction when you come across a really great piece of art? It's awesome, right? You enjoy it so much, you just have to share it with others. Maybe even on another site. Whenever I think about this when it comes to other artists, it pains me greatly.

What's the first thing I think of when I see other art? How many people are going to see this? How does it measure up to mine? How popular is this artist? What's going to make this seen? I'm stuck in this whole popularity contest-mindset currently and it's been hitting me pretty hard for quite a while now.

The part that boggles my mind is that I don't have these feelings for non-pony art. It's only ponies. I never had this kind of emotion when it came to furry art or the like. Perhaps it's just because of the fandom itself; me and just about every other brony is incredibly passionate about our love for these technicolor cartoon horses, despite their simplicity, although we enhance it all. Not only that, but it might be because I've actually gotten notice compared to my furry stuff. This scale of care is simply multiplied by it, is all. The amount of interest and attention doesn't even compare.

I just felt like sharing, anyway. In time, just like anything else, I will get over it and be able to tolerate the issue, getting back to my one-a-day ponies. Maybe I'll even grow to enjoy fandom content as I should. I suppose the best way to deal with it would be to simply expose myself to it all, but it's easier on my emotions to not do so. I'm just a coward that prefers her tiny little one-way street of artistic expression.

Either way, art is fleeting. If I don't keep up, I will be forgotten; that is the worst fear of all.
Viewed: 138 times
Added: 6 years, 1 month ago
 
DragonPen
6 years, 1 month ago
Wow what a rant. But yes you are right..art is indeed fleeting. And i too wish to hear praise for mine...but i do enjoy drawing what i draw.
tnick123
6 years, 1 month ago
While this sounds kinda depressing I understand what you mean, I feel the same way in a different subject, which is sadly cooking. I love to cook and im really Envious of the famous cooks and want to be a great chef one day, When I look at there foods I think the same thing, but since Im not in any way close to them I see it as a goal to be that good. But Im not gonna go into it like you did for its your journal Post, Just wanted to let you know your not alone in those feelings, May not be in the same subject but the basis is the same. So I feel for you and I wont forget you for a long time.  
Nyanki
6 years, 1 month ago
I'm not a MLP fan (not a hater, just not the least bit interested), and I quite liked your furry art.  When you started drawing pony stuff, I was like "Well there's yet another artist now drawing pony stuff, just like everyone else".  

I've always been a strong advocate that artists should draw what they enjoy drawing (even if it's something I don't care about).  From what you say it sounds like you really wanted to draw ponies, I've had the same passion for other shows, that's totally understandable.  The problem is that you feel "jealous" as you stated, and you jumped into a very crowded fandom where your chances to stand out among the masses are slim.  How ever your "normal" art is your style and you're the only one who does it like that (that's how I spotted you on IB even though you use a different name than what I knew on FA).

So, if you want to draw ponies, just do it for yourself and you can't lose, and if other people like it too, then that's just a bonus.  If you want to stand out and be noticed, then you need to do your thing and be unique.  And there's no reason you can't do a little of both.
Lamia
6 years, 1 month ago
About the very crowded fandom part, I think, for me, doing art so much for bronies was better than for furries because it was (and likely still is) not as crowded as the latter, giving me a better chance to stand out.
Nyanki
6 years, 1 month ago
Not sure about the numbers of Bronies vs Furries, but all the Bronies are drawing the same subjects.  It'd be like if all furries only drew foxes.
OreoClarity
6 years, 1 month ago
Bronies are introverts.  They are only into MLP and themselves.  Say anything different and they will have a white hot rage against you.  Been there and done that, lost a few friends I honestly cared about to MLP.  Quite sad actually...
Lamia
6 years, 1 month ago
Not just that, but opposing sides, whether brony or furry or homestuckian (or whatever they're called) or otherwise that have disagreement often tend to shun and oust the individuals from any possible friendship by a basis in stigma, assumptions which are generally pretty accurate. Neither side really feels like accepting the other because of pride or not wanting to think a bit more openly about another's tastes on an individual basis, mainly due to being too much a hassle. It's really how fandoms become so purely self-involved, which has bad along with the good.

but that's unrelated to the journal
OreoClarity
6 years, 1 month ago
I'm openminded, it's you and others like you have gone totally brony that you have to draw the same 6 or so ponies in varying colors and sexual positions.  Your work is almost indistinguishable now from any other major brony on IB, especially Skoon.  As Nyanki stated, I appreciated your furry art much better than the mainstream pony stuff you draw now. I don't hate ponies, or bronies, but I do like various other forms of art.  Drawing only ponies is basically the equivalent of wearing blinders (as horses do).  All you see is MLP now.  and I don't know what a homestuckian is, guess it's better I don't. lol.
Lamia
6 years, 1 month ago
This argument can be switched around to mean any type of interest. I have interest in ponies because I enjoy drawing them, not just for ease, or attention, but because I feel satisfied far more often with them instead of furries. It's only that it is a specific fandom based off a direct franchise instead of a vast and vague one such as the furrydom that it is usually met with animosity when it crosses into others. Sonic, Homestuck, Touhou, anything like that doesn't bode well because it's not what the watchers signed up for, but time affects interests. There is no obligation to continue watching, as I do not watch artists whose work no longer interests me for one reason or another.
OreoClarity
6 years, 1 month ago
To each their own, I'm not arguing with you. If you want to draw ponies, go for it.  I think you draw really well.

Skoon is an example of someone blinded by rage, by the way.  I've got proof.  He's a great artist too, and he does draw his work very well, I never said anything negative about his artwork.  I'm not sure why he feels he needs to lash out at me. Meh, it doesn't matter much anyway.
Skoon
6 years, 1 month ago
OH MY GOD IT'S SWIFTFUR.

Spouting bullshit as usual.
OreoClarity
6 years, 1 month ago
SwiftFur is who I was previously known as.  It's no big secret.

And what, exactly, is the bullshit I'm spouting? I just said, your work, krystil's work, it's all the same looking to me.  Ponies.

Nyanki said it correctly, it's like if the furry fandom focused entirely on, ...say elephants.  It's just the same characters, drawn differently. Then they'd form the elephant fandom, and get pissed at people who doesn't see elephants the way they do.  That's what Bronies are and do.  You focus everything into one type of thing rather than broadening your scope to other stuff.  I adore Neenya and the rest of your characters.

Look, I'm not replying to this journal to pick a fight or argue anything.  You guys do what you like to do and see and I'll do what I like to do and see.
Skoon
6 years, 1 month ago
Swift I'm not even able to respond to you. :V

You have me blocked.

OreoClarity
6 years, 1 month ago
Gee, I wonder why?

On a separate note, any issue you have with me needs to be taken into private messages. You have my email.  It's not right to troll me through Krystil's journal.
Skoon
6 years, 1 month ago
I haven't blocked you. And yet I'm the one blinded by rage eh? You ended our friendship, not me. Also you did it because of an accidental un-watch of your new account. I explained it to you and you raged and left in an emo huff and blocked me everywhere. In short, you're full of it.

Also I'm not trolling you, I don't remember your email, and the only reason I knew you were here is because I was talking to Krystil in Skype and he mentioned somebody complaining about ponies. So I asked to see and it turned out to be you. :V

Your complaints are hollow and disgustingly wrong by the way.
OreoClarity
6 years, 1 month ago
I'm not complaining about anything, I am stating fact.

I'm dropping this conversation right now as it is grossly irrelevant to the journal's original theme.
Skoon
6 years, 1 month ago
You're a self absorbed and pampered moron, friend. :V
Norithics
6 years, 1 month ago
You're right. Fame is a drug.
An awful, awful drug.
The more you have, the more you want. But it's not that simple. It's not as easy as greedily reaching for more- oh, no. There are side effects. Withdrawals get harder to deal with, the longer you go without it. You need more every time to reach that same high, that thrill of satisfaction. But there's an even worse part: fame brings every type of person to you. If you're relatively anonymous, only people who really like what you do will be around you. But get famous enough, and people who hate you will orbit you just for the fact that you're just. So. Big.

Having good friends is the answer. It helps you to remember how to draw for fun, to draw for yourself and enjoy art again, minus all those horrible expectations you've implanted into your own addicted mind.
slightlyshade
6 years, 1 month ago
This hits home. When I feel bad, good art doesn't inspire me, it tortures me. When I feel good.. it doesn't matter. Actually it never matters. Either I'm like 'whatever, even if one person besides myself likes this, that's okay, because I feel good about it and that's all that matters', or I'm all 'it doesn't matter how many people will like this because it won't be enough anyway'.

It's also only with ponies with me, and it does drive me.. to an extent. I don't want to invest in the popularity meta-game in order to be recognized. I'm already pretty sure I don't belong or fit in. You need to have a certain je nais sais quo or be just so good that it doesn't matter exactly how you render your ponies. It's just how it is. So I just do my little thing in my personal bubble and it's all right.

You do make an impact. It's all relative of course, but I hope you get to the peace of mind that comes from knowing that you'll never be satisfied, and that you'll be more and more appreciated with each thing that you learn. I love your stuff.
GorillaRed
6 years, 1 month ago
You really enjoy what you're drawing, I'm happy for you for that ^^ .
honorwolf1
6 years, 1 month ago
i may not be an artist but i see what your saying
weareallsinners
6 years, 1 month ago
Heavy stuff my friend but I see where you are coming from. I myself have been a reader of fan fiction of many types. So moved was I but what I had seen that I too began to write. However my success is fleeting I have many ideas and full chapters saved to my computer, however I have only posted 2 because I do not feel my work measures up to what I have experienced. And yes I too am a Brony and many stories have I read about the wonderfull ponies of poniville.
Tacoart
6 years, 1 month ago
I saved some of your art. I keep backups of all my pics. So you won't be forgotten. :p
Rakaziel
6 years, 1 month ago
First of all, I understand you. I have also been there. Then again, I am very introverted and do not care much about fame or even social contact. Inspiration and exchange of ideas are more important to me. For me, I simply stopped so much as expecting comments. It was my solution, but it does not apply to you.

Your solution is to develop a unique and recognizable style, and you are on a pretty good way there. Compare Docwolph, DarkJak or Chocolatechilla on dA, or insomniacovrlrd or DanielKay on FA, to name a few. It is a mix of drawing style, coloring style, lighting and shading, and little details in the artwork. As I said, you are on a good way to an instantly recognizable style, you just need to let your preferred themes and preferred methods flow a little bit more into your art. Throw caution in the wind and do what you like, start experimenting and be not afraid of making mistakes. At the end you will have a new insight into your abilities and limits, and will find your limits pushed further outside, with more to reach. And one thing you must not ever forget is why you do the art in the first place. It is not the fans, it is not the outside validation, that came later. It is an additional factor, and a mighty one at that, but not the inital cause. Ask yourself what initally motivated you. As long as you can hold onto that, you will always have inspiration for your art.

Fame is fleeting, but art is eternal. Your gallery will still exist in a decade or two, if Inkbunny lasts that long. So it is always possible to climb back to fame, the more the bigger your gallery is and the better the quality of your art already is. You lose nothing, except to old age and lack of practice, and only one of them can catch you in the next decades. So keep drawing, and respect your fans. Sometimes a small but loyal fanbase is better than a great and fleeting.
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