I know I just about never post here, but ... this time, I'm afraid, it's necessary. I need to speak my piece on a matter that has recently thrown my name back out into the open, tho I'm not sure what for reason, beyond seeking conflict. While I refuse to engage in such conflict, I do feel that since I am, literally, being "called out", I have the right to speak my side of the situation and offer my feelings on the matter
It's not secret to a lot of people that I used to be entangled in a sordid mess of an organization known as Watch Your Step. Blind, stupid, and overzealous as I was, I foolishly came into it believing that it was a group intended to fight back against would-be trolls and miscreants of the furry fandom, with the intent of making it a better place to socialize. Not only was this delusional on my part to honestly believe that was true ... but over time, I began to see that the true trolls and bullies were -us-. Unfortunately, my eyes were opened far too late to stop a HORRENDOUS situation from occurring.
One of the few things WYS ever did that was positive was coaxing LupineAssassin/Allan to finally start paying back the people that he owed. Someone named Sniff disagreed intensely with the manner in which he was paying back these debts (government funds), and after a time, was becoming increasingly belligerent in his argument. Made worse by the fact that many of the WYS members arguing the matter -with- him were only intentionally trying to provoke him, rather than merely trying to make their point and have a civilized debate. It spiraled worse and worse out of control and before long, Sniff was banned from WYS and made a target, himself.
My first and greatest mistake was EVER trying to get involved, as I only came to learn of what had transpired -after- Sniff had been banned. I wasn't there when it happened, so I should have just stayed the hell out of it. But, again ... I was an idiot. A mouthy, short-tempered, hot-headed idiot. And so I dove in, head first, and made an already volatile situation a MILLION times worse. I accept full and complete responsibility for casting the first stone, and CONTINUING to cast more and more stones. I have publicly apologized for this already, as seen here in this journal comment on a year-old FA journal of mine:
Hell, I'd even apologize for the "I'm going to turn your info over to Anon" bluff I pulled, and the hypothetical pipebomb comment, said in the heat of the moment over on WYS. I regret those, yeah. Now do I regret defending myself against the torrent of gibbering crazy being fired my way by him? HELL no. I only wish I had stopped fueling his fires sooner by just ignoring the massive rage fits from the very start instead of humoring his debauchery via Formspring. THAT I regret, along with the extremist stuff I said and did that just made him go even more psycho. Without having done, that, I wouldn't have NEEDED to take extreme measures to try and protect myself, like filing that police report.
I honestly should have blocked him on FA, blocked him EVERYWHERE else, and just ignored anything he ever tried to say to me from the VERY start. Would have spared myself a world of pain and a lot less trolling from throngs of random boneheads who wanted to get some cheap lulz by spamming my journals with various retarded spellings of "pipebomb". My block list on FA might be smaller, too. *sigh* >_<
I've taken my share of the blame. I could write a War & Peace sized BOOK on my myriad of regrets, surrounding all this. But I can do nothing about the past. What's done is done, and it's gone. No amount of obsessing is going to take me back in time so I can try it again. All I can do now is learn from it, and live better NOW--where I -can- still make changes and be a better person. That's all ANY of us can do. Clinging to the past does nothing but hurt ourselves. It's stagnation, in its purest form. Too many things in my life are far too important to me, for me to surrender to that kind of venomous idleness. I -have- to move on.
Among the things I regret most is the toxic bouts of violent filth I spewed regarding this person, and to those who don't know me, I can see how it truly made me look every bit like some sort of lunatic psychopath. And for that, I will, again, here and now, apologize for my behavior.
I'm sorry for saying such horrendous things to you, Sniff. It was an overreaction to the UTMOST extreme. Despite my vow to never speak to you again ... a true heartfelt apology can't be made unless it's spoken TO the person that's been wronged. So these are the only words I have to YOU directly, Sniff, whether you're reading this or not. I'm sorry for the monster I made you believe I was. You deserve that much, at least, after all the hell I made for you.
To the mass of strangers who don't know me, and to those AMONG those strangers who loathe me greatly, I know what I'm about to say next means absolutely nothing, and will likely be viewed by many as some sort of bullshit excuse. But regardless, I want to clear the air, COMPLETELY. The people who know me best (my mates, family, and closest friends), know that I have a VILE temper, and that I talk an -incredible- amount of shit, the angrier I get. The 10 minute (sometimes longer) tirades of violent horridness that I have often worked myself up into in moments of anger would make even the most hardened of death row inmates blush. But it -really- is just me verbally vomitting out all that anger. The closest I can liken it to is when someone screams out obscenities after stubbing their toe on a table corner. But for me, for some reason, a healthy bout of "fucks", "shits", and "god-damnits" simply don't suffice to purge all that anger out ... and that's where it gets downright nasty. The kinds of things I feel shouldn't be repeated here. But it truly and sincerely is just a lot of hot air. I would -never- raise my hand up against an innocent, or someone that I merely disagree with. Someone would have to come at me first with intent to harm, or towards someone I'm protective of, for me to EVER come to blows. I'm not about to throw my life away and end up in some cell all because I lost my cool and went postal on somebody, for no justifiable reason. I'm a hot-head, but I'm not stupid (well ... MOST of the time, anyway >_<;;). I may disagree with a lot of it, but I -do- know and respect the law. So no, there was never going to be any pipebomb, nor was anyone ever going to be shot by me or my family. Again ... my temper ran away with me, and the angrier I get, the more stupidness I talk. And once again, I apologize for that, as it really did make me look like a deranged she-ogre. I should have chilled the hell out and sat on my hands before typing out that kind of nonsense, just because I was pissed. There's no justification for that, EVER.
It has also come to my attention that someone has mistakenly claimed that I feel that Sniff is deserving of mockery and abuse, and that I have continually insulted him throughout the recent drama surrounding him. Please allow me a moment to set the record straight, to prevent any further rumor-mongering.
I am 200% against ANY form of harassment or abuse, regardless of how innocent or guilty the recipient is. It doesn't make it ANY less wrong, and will always only make the situation much, much worse. I do -not- support that kind of vile behavior ANYMORE. I don't tolerate it. And if I see friends of mine making such remarks (or even total strangers), I -do- call their attention to the matter (privately, so as not to publicly shame them, which I also feel is in poor taste).
The person who has called me out has also claimed that I called Sniff "a retard and lunatic", to use his exact words. I'm sorry, but this is false, and I dislike having words put into my mouth, that I have never spoken.
I stated very clearly that I feel that he is emotionally stunted and irreparably damaged on a deep psychological level, which is why he continues to act as he does (despite having possessed the ability to not let it reach this point, which he squandered away on clinging to hate ... but what's done is done). He is VERY ill, and it's to be pitied--not hated and mocked. I dislike him for past transgressions, but I do NOT hate him, and I truly don't wish any further harm on him. Not from anyone--that INCLUDES my current friends or former associates. He has enough problems now, without anyone making him more volatile and unstable than he already is.
I have stated simple and plain truths, easily proven by his plainly-viewable recent behavior. It's abundantly clear that he is not well, both psychologically and emotionally speaking. I'm sorry if that was misinterpreted to seem insulting or vindictive, but that was never my intention. I genuinely feel pity for the mess he's in, despite the my dislike of him. Because while he WAS harassed, stalked, threatened, and ridiculed ... there was always still a choice. And time and time again, he made the wrong ones. We ALWAYS have a choice, even if it doesn't feel like there is. And sometimes the best choice is the most difficult to see AND choose.
Using myself as an example, I could have chosen to continue fighting and harassing Sniff to this VERY day. I could have ignored the order of the officer who took my report to cease contact with him, and could have kept at it. I could have continued making horrendously-violent comments, trying to make him as frightened and uncomfortable as possible, out of vindictive hatred. Even after the FA Leaks incident, I could have continued lashing out, and even have tried to accuse Sniff of being responsible for it, out of irrational hatred and anger (despite it being a bold-faced lie). Hell, I could have even tried to revive WYS, myself, if I had still believed in their toxic creed. But I didn't. I turned away from ALL of that type of nonsense, made a clean break, and got my shit straight. Sorted MYSELF out. Let ALL my hatred and indignity and self-righteousness go, because I knew that it was destructive. And that's to say NOTHING of the years and years and years of bullying and abuse from my peers during my school years, before it forced me to have to be home-schooled. I could have let that utterly and completely destroy me. I could have let it turn me into a psychopath that would turn on everyone and anyone at a moment's notice, never having any friends or loved ones in my life. But I -didn't-. They tried to ruin me, and I did NOT let them. Sniff could have chosen the same, at ANY time. But he never did. And likely never will. He will hate and hate and hate until his final days. He's THAT stuck. No one should hate him, in my honest opinion. Nor should anyone find any measure of amusement from the condition he's worked himself into. They should truly and whole-heartedly pity him, because it IS a tragic situation. No one should have to live that way.
Sadly, he'll likely deny it to his dying breath, but despite the HUNDREDS of things I did wrong, he did many wrong, himself (most of it being after I broke off all contact with him, and he would continue to randomly try and contact me in angry and hateful ways). All of which I know with absolute certainty that he will always either deny or find some way to attempt to justify it. He is incapable of admitting to any sort of wrongdoing, though I sincerely hope that someday, I'm proven wrong. Because it's extremely saddening to see someone so completely incapable of self-evaluation and reform. Someone utterly unable to accept responsibility for their own choices and actions, forever laying the entirety of the blame at the feet of others. Is that to say that he hasn't been wronged? Absolutely not. He's been grossly mistreated. I won't ever deny that. But people can only destroy you if you LET them. Especially when you hold others responsible for EVERYTHING you do, without accepting any of the blame for yourself. By freeing yourself of all blame, you can't learn from your mistakes and become a better and stronger person. You simply can't. You become trapped. Like he is.
In closing, the Tale of Sniff is a long, terrible, and tragic ballad of misery, horrible choices, and corruption. It played out on the stage of life, two long years ago, and should be sung no more. The cast has disbanded, and the theater has long since gone out of business. It bring us nothing but further misery and suffering, with no possible chance for healing and renewal, remaing mired within the muck and mud of so much anguish and pain. The only way forward is to let go and move on. That doesn't necessarily mean to forgive. Neither does it necessarily mean to forget. No one is required to do either of those things. "Letting go" LITERALLY means...
Release it to the universe. Even if nothing was ever resolved. Let it go. Even if there was never any closure. Let it go. Even if things still remain unclear or unfinished. Let. it. Go. Stop looking for reasons to be angry. Stop trying to explain or justify decisions and actions. Or stop trying to demonize the decisions and actions of those you disagree with. Nobody has to become besties with one another and let bygones be bygones, like nothing ever happened. But by the same token, neither does anyone still have to be at each others' throats, still calling out for war. Merely agree to disagree and go separate ways. It REALLY is just that simple. I've been doing it on my end ever since this all ended over 2 years ago. (2 years and 6 months, to be exact). And even when he began to reappear again a year ago ... once he disappeared again, I continued on with my life. I didn't keep ranting and raving about him to everyone I spoke to. I didn't hound his every step, looking for where he'd pop up next to try and get the jump on him. I truly and whole-heartedly dismissed him from my mind, and cast away ALL the hateful emotions associated with him.
THAT is what letting go is. It isn't forgiveness. It isn't reconciliation. Because sometimes that isn't possible. The scars cut too deep, and too much damage is done to ever set things right again. But just because the bridge can never be rebuilt, doesn't mean its broken halves have to be lit on fire. We can just leave it be.
I truly hope that Sniff and those who consider him friends someday understand this concept. Not for me, or for my benefit, but for their own sakes. Regardless of whether they choose to continue on as they are or make a change for the better, I will continue on as I always have these past 2 years--free of old grudges, looking towards a better tomorrow.
I truly and sincerely hope that they learn to do the same.