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ZephonTsol

It's Never Personal.

*Disclaimer: If you think I mean you, the reader, whenever I say 'you' in the following journal, rest easy. I don't. I'm not thinking of anyone in particular. It's more of a sum of collected experiences over the years.*

So yeah.

*ahem*

That last journal.

It happened.

Look, I am fully aware I'm nothing special and I know that all of you who chose to comment were cordial. Thank you very much. I mean that.

I've been contemplating a lot recently. Writing all of that icky stuff out helped to clear my head out and really make me see what I need to see, what I need to understand. I understand a few things better now and have my...well, not walls per se, but rather, I know my limitations a lot better now. I also am aware of some stuff again, things that got lost in the storm of my emotions.

1) Everyone suffers. That sounds fatalistic, but hear me out. No one has an absolutely bulletproof life. What happens to you may not be the same to me, but if it's bad, to you it'll hurt. Something completely different may happen to me and may hurt as well. But that doesn't mean your pain trumps mine or vice versa.

What it DOES mean is that if we were to recognize that we share common ground, common experience with that kind of pain, we can share knowledge of how to grow past it.

The trick comes with actually LISTENING to the knowledge you may not want to. Our parents shook their heads at us as, in our early adult lives away from the house, we routinely fucked our lives up for little to no gain. They tried to spare us that pain because they'd gone through it themselves. But had we listened? Maybe we'd have learned faster.

By understanding that no one suffers worse than anyone else (with some exceptions), we can learn how to move past and support each other.

2) No one expects me to be their knight-protector. No one demands me to. No one is asking me to. And I need to stop thinking I should be. That if I didn't fail so hard, I could uplift my friends more.

My friends already like how I uplift them just by being who I normally am. Were I to give more, I would take away from myself...until I reached a point where nothing is left. Cue breakdown and heartbreak as I realize I've lied to myself again.

Better to know what my friendships mean with everyone and to understand where the limits ARE rather than where I think they should be.

3) This one hurts the most: people aren't always what I think they are...and most of the time, I *can't* predict them like I thought. The lies I mentioned spawn from the simple fact that by being loving to some, I start to think I know them, that I understand them. Half of the time, I don't. Most of them, I hardly spend more than a few HOURS around. In that time frame, it's nice...but the other days I'm not around, they have others in THEIR life too.

People who matter to them who may, in fact, have more weight than I do.

That's hard for me to accept. It comes with the mental things I carry in my head (which I mentioned). I've felt (unknowingly) that by loving someone, I would like the same back. And unfortunately, some just...can't give that to me. They don't function that way, they don't want to have me like that...and I have to accept that I can't force them to. Were I to force it, the love would shatter like a pane of ice on a sunlit window in wintertime.

I have to accept that some...don't love like I do. Their love works differently, almost to a degree that's boggling to me. But while it may be foreign in my mind, it works for them and keeps them happy. In the end, that's what matters. Is it a sacrifice on my part?

Maybe. But what it IS, regardless of feelings, is the truth. And I value truth in life. Things that are standards, that are knowns, solid concepts. The truth is simple: I really need to cut back in being so damnably lovey on everyone I know. Not to be an iceberg of emotion...but to remember that friendships can be just that. And it's fine if they are. Oh sure, some can be playful, even have a fringe benefit or two, but I'm not meant to be here to protect everyone, be everyone's heart and soul.

Maybe just a few who want me to be and have told me that they like me...but that everyone else?

I'm a friend and barring what you want, I'll be what you want me to be. Just...Tell. Me.

Tell me what you want. Let me know so I can have it set and not a fluid concept. And if you change it, if you find that you don't need me...let me know that too. All I will really ever ask?

Maybe a thank you for what I was in that small time frame. Maybe not. I'm not really too sure. Getting set aside like a toy that's been played with and is now lost amongst the others is something I have to get used to, but...

I know it's not personal.

It's...just how it is.

It'll hurt for awhile, but...that's how it is. Can't force someone to be what I want them to be...so that's just how it is.

But I'm not alone and never really have been. So it'll be okay even then.



Also, I'm thinking heavily on medication to help. Something to take the edge out of the day. We'll see if I can find time.

Viewed: 25 times
Added: 6 years, 2 months ago
 
nimbus
6 years, 2 months ago
*smiles and snugs warmly* I am happy that you are feeling better; this is a much healthier way of thinking of life and it's ups and downs, in my opinion.  *wiggle*
ZephonTsol
6 years, 2 months ago
<pets> Thank you, Nimby. You helped in these realizations, you know that, right?
PrysmTKitsune
6 years, 2 months ago
meds dont take away the pain any more then liquor does, it just covers it up...its a crutch, and a very unstable one at thiat...take it from one that spent his entire childhood on one pill or another... there's 'always' a catch.....sometimes...the price for your stability is more then your willing to pay, i had a 'very' bad reaction to a medication i was taking once...i wont give details but it was the most terrifying thing ive ever had happen to me...i don't trust most doctors anymore, i don't take any more medications then i need [pepto when i have tummy trouble, an naproxen sodium when i have a headache...if it doesn't go away on its own within a half hour or so] and then only OTC stuff...i havnt taken a prescription drug in 'years' but you dont need to take my advice...if you think you need meds, get them...maybe what was wrong for me will work for you...just don't force yourself to keep doing it if you know they arnt working.
ZephonTsol
6 years, 2 months ago
I think part of me knows this and understands this. The last time I took meds, sure I felt a bit better, but it KO'd my sex drive to almost nothing. I was trading miseries.

I'm older now. A bit more wiser and a bit more aware of questions I need to ask. If I go for them, I'll be sure to take what I know is going to be a help overall.
Zer0
6 years, 2 months ago
hooboy...

"By understanding that no one suffers worse than anyone else (with some exceptions), we can learn how to move past and support each other."

Disagree about that few exceptions part. Everybody suffers on different levels and suffers about different things. There are individuals that suffer and groups that suffer. A homeless man in the United States usually does not suffer nearly as bad as a homeless man in Nigeria. In the US homeless people have options for free medical treatment and employment programs. Nigeria, maybe, but nothing compared to how comprehensive the US system is and the US system is actually rather shit to begin with.

Plus, you can't tell me that any other person at work suffers as much as I do with being bi. Yes, there are other bi people at my work, but none of them have my same experiences because I realize my experiences are unique to myself. Hell, I'm furry for fuck's sake. Because of that I have a whole set of unique reasons for suffering that almost nobody else has. And I am all about open relationships and polygamy.

What about the mass majority of heterosexuals? They even differ as much as I do, some religious, some under the thumb of someone religious, some in in loving relationship with another person who is religious even if they themselves are not.

Fact is, we are all different and to assume anybody shares the same suffering is (and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I mean no ill-will and I am very sorry if I offend) something I view as very arrogant or extremely naive. Humans have a natural inclination to try and find commonality among each other so I can understand why everybody is always trying to find similarities between one-another. Hell, I'm guilty of this tendency often when reading stories. I like to identify with the characters and situations so I can understand them and empathize. Similarities exist, hence why we can empathize with one-another, but 'similarities' does not mean 'exactly the same' or anything close to it at all.

So, keeping in mind that people have different experiences and different lives, logically there are a lot of people that suffer more and less than everybody else. We all suffer on different levels at all times. We just want to think we are all at the same level because to think otherwise would be different and isolating and lonely.

"The lies I mentioned spawn from the simple fact that by being loving to some, I start to think I know them, that I understand them. Half of the time, I don't. Most of them, I hardly spend more than a few HOURS around. In that time frame, it's nice...but the other days I'm not around, they have others in THEIR life too. "

This is very true, but incomplete. I am getting the feeling that the term 'love' may be out of place here.

Love isn't something that happens instantly. That's affections, admiration, adoration and other words to that effect. Love, actual love, comes (and this is ironic considering what I just ranted about) from long-standing relationships that have shared hardships and suffering. These relationships that have been through such hardships and survived are the start of real love. These events take months and years to develop, and it allows people to understand one-another on a level that is extremely personal. It's also the acceptance that while your partner may not ever truly let you know everything about them, they are willing to let you know and share their happy moments as well as their pained moments with you time and time again. Trusting you with a piece of who they really are.

That piece is a part of a much larger and complex puzzle, and once you reach the point where you have so many pieces you begin to see a whole, that's a sign of actual love. Accepting you'll never see the entire picture and being okay with it and the person you are with, and willing to share all of this in kind; that, my friend, is love. Knowing someone for a few hours? That's just a feeling, nothing more.
ZephonTsol
6 years, 2 months ago
"Plus, you can't tell me that any other person at work suffers as much as I do with being bi."

Do you know each and every one of their hurts? Can you make that statement with completed perspective rather than a guess?

I'm bi too, and yet I know enough to know that with 300 people in my building alone, I can't possibly hope to understand everyone else's woes to be able to accurately judge where mine lie in comparison.

"We just want to think we are all at the same level because to think otherwise would be different and isolating and lonely."

Not really. It's not outside the realm of realism to share experiences to gain knowledge, like I said.

To wit, my sister and I had a LONG running war against each other, based solely on the fact that each of us thought that we'd suffered more than the other and how dare they not realize that? I in my military career and her in her two failed marriages. We kept this bitter hatred for each other running simply because we wanted the other to acknowledge US as being the worst loser.

How silly is that? We want to win by making the other say we lost the most. No, I firmly believe that demanding the title of "I SUFFERED MOST," is self-fulfilling and dangerously self-destructive. You will start finding ways to view life as horrible rather than uplifting. You will see enemies where there are none. You will hurt because to not hurt goes against what is your normal.

Sharing is not a lame idea. Admitting that you are NOT the most martyr-tastic person you know is a strength. Admitting that even at your lowest point, you still have something to stand on is a strength. And leaning on others to find that strength is a good thing. Call me naive if you wish, but it's worked for me to help keep my depressions at bay.

"Knowing someone for a few hours? That's just a feeling, nothing more."

I think you may have interpreted what I said a bit wrongly. I don't fall in love with people rapidly. Some of the relationships I discussed above were over the course of months. And yes, you do have it right. Someone who shares with you on that level is a true friend and is, in my mind, worth loving. But keep in mind that there are different TYPES of love that do not have to rank above one another.

What I really want is to be able to adjust more smoothly between the types of love in my life and not hit speedbumps when they sometimes get adjusted *for* me. Does that make more sense?

Zer0
6 years, 2 months ago
"I'm bi too, and yet I know enough to know that with 300 people in my building alone, I can't possibly hope to understand everyone else's woes to be able to accurately judge where mine lie in comparison"

Which is the point I was getting at, although it seems I failed to articulate it correctly. When we look at everything and everybody and try to compare to ourselves we are naively shooting in the dark. I did not read this idea in what you wrote, but if you did imply it I do need to read again.

> "We just want to think we are all at the same level because to think otherwise would be different and isolating and lonely."

"Not really. It's not outside the realm of realism to share experiences to gain knowledge, like I said. "

To gain knowledge is grand and all, but why do we seek knowledge? It's not for the sake of seeking knowledge in itself, but something much deeper in ourselves, a survival instinct. A feeling, to have more knowledge, to know others around us, to protect ourselves and to further ingrain ourselves within a group of others. It's human nature (I've yet to meet a psychologist who disagrees) to seek out the solace of others in some way, shape or form. To be recognized as part of group A instead of group B or perhaps wanting to be a part of A and B.

"How silly is that? We want to win by making the other say we lost the most. No, I firmly believe that demanding the title of "I SUFFERED MOST," is self-fulfilling and dangerously self-destructive."

And I do believe it is here that my earlier mistake to speak properly truly obfuscates the meaning I was trying to portray. This statement I fully agree with and will not argue with.

"I think you may have interpreted what I said a bit wrongly."

I think I may have and then some. For this I apologize.

" But keep in mind that there are different TYPES of love that do not have to rank above one another. "

And this I agree with *to an extent*. I believe in a love between family members, a love for your dog, a love for fine food, a love for freedom. However, when you describe the behavior patterns and thoughts you exhibit around certain individuals...

"The lies I mentioned spawn from the simple fact that by being loving to some, I start to think I know them, that I understand them. Half of the time, I don't. Most of them, I hardly spend more than a few HOURS around. In that time frame, it's nice...but the other days I'm not around, they have others in THEIR life too. "

... sounds like you are describing a budding intimate relationship that is possibly one-way without realization. If I misinterpret that, I apologize, however it would be a good time to point out that's how it can be interpreted. Easily interpreted, seeing as you don't really make a distinction in what you wrote if this love is for a friend, family or an interest. Plus, some of the terminology and phrasing...

"They don't function that way, they don't want to have me like that..."

... Is generally used to connotate intimacy, either wanted or not. There are one or two more places that this connotation can very easily be misinterpreted in what you have written and it does shape this particular train of thought when all things are taken into context. Again, it was not my intention to mistake the meaning.

"What I really want is to be able to adjust more smoothly between the types of love in my life and not hit speedbumps when they sometimes get adjusted *for* me. Does that make more sense?"

Absolutely... and you've run into a very vague and generalized problem that has plagued humans for some time now. This is one of those few times that suffering, while not exactly shared, is still experienced in enough similarity between individuals that empathy is extremely easy to come by. Only bit of advice on that front I can give is "good luck, to you and everybody else who has more than one friend/lover/family in their life." :3
Humbug
6 years, 2 months ago
Sounds like a pretty healthy realization. I find that coming to terms with reality is one of the best therapies for me, so maybe it'll work for you. If you do go the medical route, though, make sure to complement it with therapy so that you won't develop a dependency. The two in combination are the most potent tool we currently have in rewiring the brain, but medication on its own actually tends to make the situation worse. Legal or not, drugs are still drugs, and your body builds up a tolerance, and you need more to get the same effect. Not to mention, they don't remove the root cause of the problem, so they can't actually solve it. All they do is alleviate the symptoms, which is great for helping you focus on removing that root cause, but you've got to actively work on doing so in the meantime. Otherwise, you'll get short-term alleviation while compounding the long-term problem.
ZephonTsol
6 years, 2 months ago
Yeah, tell me about it. The problem I'm going to have is finding a proper schedule to fit therapy in with all of the meds I might end up taking.

And like it or not, but my friends are not psychiatrists. They may know my hurts, but that doesn't mean they're equipped to show me how to properly deal with them.

Still, thanks for the nice words. Helps to know I've got the basic idea down, right?
Humbug
6 years, 2 months ago
Absolutely, yeah. And that in itself can be therapeutic by itself. Just so long as you're careful, ya' ought to be alright.
justacritic
6 years, 2 months ago
And whatever you do, don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector hurtling towards oblivion... oh bugger
ZephonTsol
6 years, 2 months ago
...wut?
AlexReynard
6 years, 2 months ago
>What it DOES mean is that if we were to recognize that we share common ground, common experience with that kind of pain, we can share knowledge of how to grow past it.

Beautifully said there. I can't count the number of times I've been pissed at a group of blacks/gays/women/bisexuals/transgenders/men/handicapped people/[insert oppressed group here] who think that their group's suffering is SO FUCKING IMPORTANT that any discussion of any other group's suffering is very offensive to them. Well lah-dee-freakin'-dah. Maybe you'd all be suffering less if you all helped each other out occasionally? Ya selfish whiny shits...

The journal as a whole has a lot of wisdom in it. I'm especially glad to hear you're working on accepting that other people can be different, and that's okay. I really do think that being stubborn about that is something that hurts a lots of people everywhere, everyday. 'You can't give me what I need; you're an asshole' instead of, 'I can't get what I need from you, but that's because you're not wired to give it. So looking elsewhere for it is my responsibility'. (It's why I emphasized this so heavily in War Is Peace!)
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