*Disclaimer: If you think I mean you, the reader, whenever I say 'you' in the following journal, rest easy. I don't. I'm not thinking of anyone in particular. It's more of a sum of collected experiences over the years.*
That last journal.
Look, I am fully aware I'm nothing special and I know that all of you who chose to comment were cordial. Thank you very much. I mean that.
I've been contemplating a lot recently. Writing all of that icky stuff out helped to clear my head out and really make me see what I need to see, what I need to understand. I understand a few things better now and have my...well, not walls per se, but rather, I know my limitations a lot better now. I also am aware of some stuff again, things that got lost in the storm of my emotions.
1) Everyone suffers. That sounds fatalistic, but hear me out. No one has an absolutely bulletproof life. What happens to you may not be the same to me, but if it's bad, to you it'll hurt. Something completely different may happen to me and may hurt as well. But that doesn't mean your pain trumps mine or vice versa.
What it DOES mean is that if we were to recognize that we share common ground, common experience with that kind of pain, we can share knowledge of how to grow past it.
The trick comes with actually LISTENING to the knowledge you may not want to. Our parents shook their heads at us as, in our early adult lives away from the house, we routinely fucked our lives up for little to no gain. They tried to spare us that pain because they'd gone through it themselves. But had we listened? Maybe we'd have learned faster.
By understanding that no one suffers worse than anyone else (with some exceptions), we can learn how to move past and support each other.
2) No one expects me to be their knight-protector. No one demands me to. No one is asking me to. And I need to stop thinking I should be. That if I didn't fail so hard, I could uplift my friends more.
My friends already like how I uplift them just by being who I normally am. Were I to give more, I would take away from myself...until I reached a point where nothing is left. Cue breakdown and heartbreak as I realize I've lied to myself again.
Better to know what my friendships mean with everyone and to understand where the limits ARE rather than where I think they should be.
3) This one hurts the most: people aren't always what I think they are...and most of the time, I *can't* predict them like I thought. The lies I mentioned spawn from the simple fact that by being loving to some, I start to think I know them, that I understand them. Half of the time, I don't. Most of them, I hardly spend more than a few HOURS around. In that time frame, it's nice...but the other days I'm not around, they have others in THEIR life too.
People who matter to them who may, in fact, have more weight than I do.
That's hard for me to accept. It comes with the mental things I carry in my head (which I mentioned). I've felt (unknowingly) that by loving someone, I would like the same back. And unfortunately, some just...can't give that to me. They don't function that way, they don't want to have me like that...and I have to accept that I can't force them to. Were I to force it, the love would shatter like a pane of ice on a sunlit window in wintertime.
I have to accept that some...don't love like I do. Their love works differently, almost to a degree that's boggling to me. But while it may be foreign in my mind, it works for them and keeps them happy. In the end, that's what matters. Is it a sacrifice on my part?
Maybe. But what it IS, regardless of feelings, is the truth. And I value truth in life. Things that are standards, that are knowns, solid concepts. The truth is simple: I really need to cut back in being so damnably lovey on everyone I know. Not to be an iceberg of emotion...but to remember that friendships can be just that. And it's fine if they are. Oh sure, some can be playful, even have a fringe benefit or two, but I'm not meant to be here to protect everyone, be everyone's heart and soul.
Maybe just a few who want me to be and have told me that they like me...but that everyone else?
I'm a friend and barring what you want, I'll be what you want me to be. Just...Tell. Me.
Tell me what you want. Let me know so I can have it set and not a fluid concept. And if you change it, if you find that you don't need me...let me know that too. All I will really ever ask?
Maybe a thank you for what I was in that small time frame. Maybe not. I'm not really too sure. Getting set aside like a toy that's been played with and is now lost amongst the others is something I have to get used to, but...
I know it's not personal.
It's...just how it is.
It'll hurt for awhile, but...that's how it is. Can't force someone to be what I want them to be...so that's just how it is.
But I'm not alone and never really have been. So it'll be okay even then.
Also, I'm thinking heavily on medication to help. Something to take the edge out of the day. We'll see if I can find time.