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zander

A little of what has been happening in our lives

by
So…  This journal is really long overdue.  I’m not even sure where I should begin.  I guess I’ll just start at the beginning.

Skylar and I have been together for a little more than three years now.  I thought that we were a very happy male/male couple.  Nothing could tear us apart.  Skylar told me he liked to act a bit girly and there was no problem with that.  When we got together I told Skylar that as long as he could be a boy in the bedroom for me that I had absolutely no problems with it and he could act as girly as he wanted.  As I’m very sure most of you have figured out by now; I’m gay.  100% gay.  Not bi, not straight, but completely gay.  Not even a little bit curious about the opposite sex.  Female parts just don’t do it for me.  I’m not really attracted to female anatomy at all.

I wanted a boy to be with and I was pretty clear on that when we first got together.  We had what I thought were a great almost two years together as that male/male couple.  

Then one night about 17 months ago I had a dream.  In this dream Skylar told me that he wanted to be a female.  Not just act like one but to be one.  I talked with Skylar the next day about it, and by talked I mean broke down crying when telling him about it.  He assured me that that wasn’t the case and that I had nothing to worry about.  

About a week later Skylar wanted to talk.  He told me that he really did want to be a female and that he had wanted to be a female since he was a very young child.  I asked about what he had said only the previous week and that he had told me that that wasn’t the case and that I didn’t have to worry about it.  He said he was scared to tell me and that he was afraid I would leave him.

I was devastated.  For a little while we didn’t know what was going to happen to us.  We didn’t know if we were going to make it through the night as a couple.  I couldn’t help but feel that deep down inside I had done this to myself.  I thought that somehow bringing this up had started all of this in motion and that everything that was happening was entirely my fault.  I begged and pleaded tearfully with him to just be joking and to tell me that it wasn’t true.  Unfortunately, nothing was going to change and no matter how hard we cried together about our future and what was to become of us as a couple, Skylar still wanted to be female, even if that meant us going our separate ways.

For those of you who followed and watched us from the beginning you know that Skylar and I share a very special bond.  When we first met each other it was love at first sight for both of us.  We both knew that we were meant for each other and that everything, no matter what it was, would work out in the end.  We felt like we could take on anything.  For a good while that was true.  This, however, turned out to be a doozy.
  
After a very long time talking and tears pouring down both of our faces we decided to roll the dice and see where it took us instead of just ending everything that night.  We started doing research.  Research into what this actually meant for us.  We looked into all of the different things that go into being a male to female transgendered person.  We learned that hormone replacement therapy would be required and that Skylar would have to live as a female for at least a year before anything else could progress.  

We have had to go slow.  I refused to do this without being involved in every single step.  14 months ago I pushed Skylar to go to the doctor and got him on female hormones.  Even though I knew I wasn’t attracted to female anatomy.  

It has been extremely hard for me to watch Skylar’s body change.  Growing breasts, losing muscle mass…  I’m sure there are many more changes to come.  Skylar wants to go all the way with this.  That means chopping off his penis and removing his testicles in real life.  These are things that once done cannot ever be undone.  

Once SHE has saved up enough money to have it done it will be done.  We still aren’t sure what life has in store for us and if we’ll even make it all the way.  It takes a huge amount of cash to get something like this done.  We’re looking at around 30 thousand dollars for just the sex reassignment surgery.  That's not counting anything else like the electrolysis that has to come first.  Any kind of needed medications.  Changing over birth certificates and name changes and everything else that goes into this.  But if is it going to be done, I refuse to let HER half ass it.  If it is going to be done, it will be done right.
  
I love Skylar with all my heart and with every single fiber of my being.  I have stayed with HER and supported HER through all of it and I will continue to do so, even if that means the end of our sex life.  

Unfortunately, those of you who watch us for the gay sex will be in for a big disappointment.  I am sorry to say that any male/male pictures of us will probably be few and far in between from this point on.  The gallery will stay the way it is.  I won’t be taking anything down.  Those pictures are a part of us and they make up a very good portion of our lives together.  There are a few artists that I still want to commission as male/male but those will be the last of those for a while.  You can expect to start seeing some pictures of Skylar and myself as a male/female couple to reflect the changes that are happening in our lives.

Things certainly haven’t been easy for us.  There have been quite a few times where we have been depressed and feeling lost and just unsure how to go on with our daily lives and what to do with them.  We have had quite a few bumps and bruises along the way.  I will say though, that if we didn’t share the kind of bond that we do, that this whole thing would have torn us apart a long time ago.
  
This is by no means for the faint of heart.
Viewed: 349 times
Added: 6 years, 1 month ago
 
Amaterasu
6 years, 1 month ago
this is a tough thing to get used to but i am glad your love for her doesn't change even though her body does. if there were more people in life like you two i would be much happier.
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Thanks for your kind words.

It really is tough to get used to.  I still have problems with it sometimes.  It took me eight months to finally start calling her "she" on a regular basis.  People usually never think about gender as something that changes.  When you think of someone who you've been with for a couple years that was male it is really hard to call them female without calling them male by instinct.  ;;

I do love her with all my heart.
Amaterasu
6 years, 1 month ago
It makes me happy to see this, my brother is a MtF pre-op but she was always scared that nobody would ever like her because of the change, im sure after reading this she will feel much better.

its always good to have true love, something that cant be bound by physical apperences.

may you two be blessed with everlasting happiness
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
As far as my experiences go it's never an easy thing for either person during a transition.  But there are many people out there that like transgendered people.  The one thing that she can do is to let people know up front.  If they don't like it they can get out of her life and she won't have wasted any effort or time on getting to know and perhaps even like someone and then have it all come crashing down when she finally does tell them.  This was one of the hardest things for us, trying to figure out what we were going to do after something this serious.  If however they want to stick around after that, then things will probably go pretty well for her even if she only ends up as friends with them.
HimaChita
6 years, 1 month ago
Oh my god, you had me tearing up at the beginning. I thought the very worst had happened an another fantastic couple was done for. But I am so happy to read otherwise and so proud of you zander to see you stick with your mate even though her body might not turn you on as much as it use to. You both deserve all the happyness life can give you and I wish you both the very best. :3

Btw, I've never stuck around for the gay sex, I've stuck around for the love that you both so clearly have for each other. *hug*
Nick2Shy
6 years, 1 month ago
second this completely
*huggles*
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Thankies Nick!  I'm glad to know you support us.  *hugs*
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Awwws...  Thanks Hima.  

We almost were done when this came up.  But so far we've stuck together and things have still been great with each other.  I don't know if I could ever experience the love we have for each other anywhere else than in her arms.

Here's to many more years together!
HimaChita
6 years, 1 month ago
That is always great to see, you know it's true love when you stick through it no matter what. You should inspire us all to what we need to be.
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Thanks Hima.  I'm always happy to know you support us too.  ^^
XValentine
6 years, 1 month ago
Well you're a better man than I, I guess.  I'd be gone.  If I was with a partner who did that then I would leave the second things started getting serious in that direction, I just couldn't view them as the same person.  Its nice of you to be by their side, but don't let yourself become miserable because they want to pretend to be a girl ((I know theres an operation, but until Science can perfect the process, people who have this done aren't really either))
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Fortunately for us I'm not you then.  She is not pretending to want to be a girl.  It really is the same kind of thing as being gay.  Something inside my brain tells me that I do not find women sexually attractive.  Hence I'm gay.  It's not a choice it's just something that makes me who I am.  If it was a choice, I'd be straight in a heartbeat.  I wouldn't be treated as a second class citizen by the wonderful United States of America and I would be able to have all the rights and privileges of a straight couple.  Hell I'd even be able to have children of my own.  That's never going to happen because I just can't physically bring myself to screw a vagina.  

It's the same for Skylar.  Something in her brain tells her that she is in fact a she.  It isn't "pretending to be a girl" any more than I'm "pretending to like boys".

With Skylar though there is something more than physical attraction.  It isn't all about sex.  Skylar may be different because we don't just have sex.  We make love.  I really won't know until the end but I'm hoping it's possible.  And if I can't there is always anal.  
TassikCormal
6 years, 1 month ago
I wish you both the strength to see this through to the end, and wish the best for both of you in the future. :3
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Thank you very much for your kind words and for your support.  We can always use it.  ^^
Gobby
6 years, 1 month ago
I commend you on staying with Skylar through her transition. It can't be easy knowing that you may not be attracted sexually to the person you love right now, but knowing this is what will make her happy and sticking through it means that at the very least you'll have someone you love after you're done. People who love each other strongly just don't do that sort of thing. And really, who's to say that the sex will end? Even if it does, I'm sure a couple as strong as you could find release in an open or polyamorous relationship if it comes to that. Whatever uncertainties the future may hold, at least you know you have each other. *hugs*
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
That honestly is one of the hardest parts.  I love Skylar's body the way it is right now.  Just knowing that "his" body will eventually be taken away from me just makes me want to cry.  And not just a little cry either, I mean full on weeping...  This really isn't easy.  But I do love her with all my heart and I'm willing to stick through this with her because I love her that much and because I know that she loves me that much as well.  Even though we are uncertain about the future we do realize that we still have each other and that's the one thing that keeps us both moving through this cruel joke called life.

Thank you so much for your support Gobby, I know we both need it.  *hugs*
ArcanicGrimlock
6 years, 1 month ago
I offer you a  big hug. And i hope things do work out, If you love something you know what you have to do
Simple as that ^.-.^
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Thank you so much Houka.  It really is like that.  We know what we have to do even though it will be hard.  We really appreciate your support and your kind words.  *hugs*
ArcanicGrimlock
6 years, 1 month ago
*hugs* im not one with a ton of experience i guess but im glad i could offer you some help
If you need someone to talk to you though im open so just message me anytime alright?

c: <3
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Thanks very much, it really does help just knowing that there is someone you can talk to.  Just knowing that other people support you in these trying times means a lot.  I'll definitely keep it in mind.
celynbach
6 years, 1 month ago
Reading this just made me wanna give you hugs. I had no idea when I met you and Skylar last summer that all this was what you were dealing with behind the scenes. All I can say is that I have enormous respect for both of you just for being who you are. Sharing your story like this only adds to my respect. You're an extraordinary kitty for sure! @(^_^)@
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Thanks so much Kel.  We've been dealing with this and holding it in a lot longer than we should have.  This has been really very hard on both of us.  It really is hard sometimes to put on the "happy mask" and do what you need to when all you want to do is cry inside.  The love that we share for each other makes it possible for us to go on with our lives.  And for that I'm very thankful.

We really enjoyed seeing you at the meet the other week.  Hope you can make it to another sometime soon. ^^  *huggles*
Malachyte
6 years, 1 month ago
There are no words I can give of advice. This sounds like the most tricky situation, I don't know how I would handle it if it were me at all. I'm glad you are staying together still, at least, rather than calling it quits then and there. Because it's true, there may be a way for you two to find a life together, and I hope there is. Stay supportive and loving, I guess is all I can suggest. *pats you on the shoulder and nods*
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Thanks Spix.  That's what we've been trying to do.  Just keep on keeping.  There really is no instruction book for this.  Everything we do is new territory for the both of us.  Experiencing it together has brought us even closer together so far.  So I really do hope that we can make a life for ourselves together after this is done.
Locutus
6 years, 1 month ago
Oh my...this deserves a huge amount of respect. And i have to say: i love my boyfriend, but i guess i couldn't live with an girl...even though i know it's the same person...
But besides the trouble, i Hope you'll stay who you are: the cutest couple of inkbunny...
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Thanks.  As hard as it is for me to imagine Skylar with a female body it would be harder for me to imagine my life without her.

I'm glad you think so hehe.  
skylar
6 years, 1 month ago
This has been extremely hard on both of us, but we love each other so much and so deeply. I am willing to fight to keep my mate, even lay down my life for him. Nothing worthwhile in life is ever easy, and this is the most worthwhile and fulfilling thing in our life :3
sco0t
6 years, 1 month ago
Chopping off the penis is too extreme, I'd talk him out of it if I were you, if she regrets it later there is not turning back.
Just my two cents.
skylar
6 years, 1 month ago
Puffy Ami Yumi, I love em' :3 I already regret having a penis, so I don't think getting my gender change will cause me any regrets in that way  *hugs*
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
We've already had that talk many many times.  It doesn't change her desire for this.  She really really hates her penis.  
Amaterasu
6 years, 1 month ago
the chances that someone will regret that kind of thing are low at best, even of people consider it the wont actual go through with it unless they are sure they wan their 'penis to be chopped off' as grotesquely as you put it.
Shokuji
6 years, 1 month ago
Love & a relationship is more than sex, but from what I read you already know this. I wish you both the very best of luck and hope you two figure out what works best for you. Thanks for sharing, and I hope this journal helps you work past these turbulent times.
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Thanks for the kind words Sho.  We really hope things work out for us as well.  I know we can use all the support possible though these rough times though.  So I just can't thank you enough.
PURRfect93
6 years, 1 month ago
thats just.. amazing.. i say this because even though one part of it all is ending, and you may not want it to happen, you are pushing (her) to get it done right and being supportive while trying to stay together.

that is a sign of true love.

not a false love, a half love, or a sham, but TRUE love.

so hold strong, because there are few people in the world as amazing as you ^_^
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
It's so hard.  ;;

Honestly if we didn't have what we do have together it most likely wouldn't work out at all.  I try to stay strong for her but it isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination.  I'm tearing up as I write this because the words that you have chosen to use are the same words that we use to describe what we have together.  This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.  On one hand it feels like the boy that I knew and fell in love with has passed away and I'm mourning him.  On the other hand it feels like I have a new mate that loves me even more for everything that I'm doing for her.  

Sometimes it feels like it's too much to deal with but I just have to stay strong for her even though I'm the one that wants to cry.  

Thank you so much for your kind words.  They mean a lot to both of us.  
PURRfect93
6 years, 1 month ago
im glad they were as well worded as i had hoped. -hugs- im sure your strong enough to hold through, and i know in the end, youll be happy together ^_^
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
Thanks a lot, we really hope so.  ^^
PURRfect93
6 years, 1 month ago
im pretty sure with as much love as you have for each other, we can say that we know so with confidence ^O^
Harpagornis
6 years, 1 month ago
This has restored my faith in humanity.

Thank you.
zander
6 years, 1 month ago
It's been really hard.  But we will keep on trying.  Things aren't easy but we might be able to get through them together.  We are stronger together.  :)
Kolo
6 years ago
That's so sad... And they don't cut the penis off. It's still there, it's hidden using plastic surgery. But You're right about the testicles, I think. I hope it works out for you two somehow.
zander
5 years, 12 months ago
Correct, we know they don't actually chop it off.  We've done all the proper research.  To me though, and the way I feel about it, it might as well be chopped off.  The testicles are in fact removed and they take the empty scrotal pouch and use it as the vaginal wall.  

It's not going to be easy on either of us.  
Qt
Qt
5 years, 11 months ago
You are wonderful. You are an incredible, amazing, strong, spectacular person.
As a MtF, I know how hard this must be, from Skylar's pov (That post-dream conversation must have killed her inside). And I have seen how hard it has been for my friends (even the one I've known for twenty years) to adjust to, so I can imagine how hard this is for you.
But you have a strong relationship with a ton of love invested, and because you weren't ready to let that go at the drop of a hat, I applaud you. You are an amazing person for standing by her, because as tough as this is on you, not to minimize what you're feeling but, it's a lot harder on her. She has to evaluate every person in her life, and see who truly loves her for her, and who only loves her if their mental image of her remains unchanged. Watching people fall by the wayside just to be who you really are is terrifying, agonizing and almost impossible to do alone. Transpeople pray for people like you in our lives, and for most of us, our prayers go unanswered. Skylar is lucky to have you.
She is who she always has been, and even though you loved her body as it was, the person you love isn't changing at all. You two will be even stronger once you make it through the worst of this. Stay strong. =3
zander
5 years, 11 months ago
Thank you very much for your kind words.  I apologize for not replying to you sooner.  Things have been going smoothly so far.  We've had our share of troubles though.  But we both know that we love each other very much for who we are.  Even though things are changing we are both still who we are.There are times when things are wonderful and easy and then there are times that things are rough and very hard on both of us.  Things are changing in both of our lives and I just really want to still be a part of her life.  I would very much prefer that she stays a he but I will still love her no matter what happens in the future.
Qt
Qt
5 years, 11 months ago
I wish you both the very best the universe has to offer.
zander
5 years, 11 months ago
Thank you very much Qt.  That really means the world to us.  Sometimes when things are hard we'll look at this journal and see all the supportive comments and words of well wishing that were left here and we'll start to feel better about ourselves and our relationship.  I also wish the best for you and your quest through this crazy maze of life.

-Zander and Skylar
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