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MizuAstrum

Life Updates and Random Thoughts

Hello everyone. For anyone wondering where I went, a lot happened to me over the past month.

As of May 20, 2012, I graduated with my Bachelor's in Mathematics. Although I didn't expect them to come because of last-minute traveling issues, I was happy to see my adoptive mother and birth sister at my Graduation. Many of my Fraternity brothers who have been there for me since I began my journey in Fall 2009 showed up to congratulate me. Later on, I celebrated with a well-deserved drink or 5 after the ceremony. That day I had to retrieve the rest of my belongings in my dorm room, and I waved farewell to the last four years of my life. But that transition stared a chain of events that were like a roller coaster.

Since March, I have applied to many internships and job opportunities that were entry-level, post-collegiate, clerical, or math-related. Alas, I only got 4 interviews out of my search and none of which got approved. In addition, my family was on its way to make their move to North Carolina. I knew since February that I would not be included in these plans, so I knew I had to work hard in order to get a place to live. While I got an offer from a friend in New York City, I knew by mid-June that I would not have enough time or money to pay rent in that area. In a desperate move, I fell for a checking scam thanks to Craigslist and my bank account was frozen for 3 weeks. As soon as it got unfrozen, I used the remaining funds to travel for more applications and interviews. By the time I got my 50th rejection notice, I felt this sense of uselessness, as if there was nothing I could do.

My family and friends saw this when I told them that I would join the military since it seemed like that was the only place accepting people. After much discussion, I realized that I wouldn't be doing this to serve my country, and by doing it with anterior motives that I would fail and mess up my life with a dishonorable discharge. But then I had a Fairy Godmother or 3 that saw the stress I was going through in my life, so they gave me money to enjoy a vacation before I snapped under pressure. For one day, I had a Cinderella moment and got to Pittsburgh for one day of Anthrocon, and lived it as if it I had I only lived once. To all that I saw and were shocked and happy to see me, thanks for making this an amazing experience. Returning back to NYC after that day, I had a clear mind and I knew my next move.

I messed around with the idea of moving since May. Originally, I was considering family, but no one had room for me to stay and get a job. Then I seeked my Fraterinty brothers and I got interviews thanks to them. Despite their influence, I wasn't able to land a job. My friend Matt in Tennessee offered me a place to stay there and even a job working on his farm. However, within 5 days of moving, I learned that those plans had to be postponed. While down in the dumps, my long-time friend Rawz said he'd take me in at his place in Needham, MA with his fiance, his 3 other roommates, and his fiance's Dad and Grandma. The weekend before, I journeyed to my first Gay Pride Parade and had a blast with old friends and new ones. That feeling that it was okay to be gay in public was tear-shedding. Packing my bags at the end of June, I left my house of 16 in tears. But of course my family got into a big fight days before and the tension wiped out any feelings of separation. Enjoying my last night in NY, I went to my friend Jacqui's house and a bunch of furs gathered for a BBQ. By the time I woke up after countless shots, I made my way to the bus and arrived in Massachusetts.

I knew since the get-go that my stay would be temporary and that I would need to find a job. Yet within the first week of being here, I found numerous job openings. Compared to NYC, the job market was open. Although while walking in town and going to some possible jobs, I caught the ere of racism. It's not going to get to me as long as there is a chance to get a job. I learned most recently that the opportunity in Tennessee would be available n August. I set a goal for myself: if I can't get a job by the 25th, I HAVE to move out and find a way to Tennessee. While my family cannot help me financially, I am working on getting odd-jobs to pass the time. For now, I enjoy the fact that my roommates are good people and have interesting stories to tell. However, during the days they all work and everything around the house is in order, I can't help but feel a sense of lethargy and uselessness. One thing I hate to be is lazy. Another is being lonely. Everyone in the house has a significant other and every night I snuggle my roommate's 4' long tail. I'm not going to go into a "I want a mate" or "I feel forever alone" rant, but someone to snuggle and talk to outside of IM would be nice.

Meanwhile, my furry life took a bit of a nose-dive. Feeling the stress of real life, I began to ignore my IMs and stopped talking to people. While I feel these emotions after a con trying to talk to friends on IM and them being busy with other friends, this just felt different. As it I was on a rip tide drifting away from the shore into an endless ocean. In addition, my log-time confidant betrayed me on Twitter. While the first time was pushing boundaries and I forgave him, the second time revealed a dark secret I only told people I believed I could trust. Something in me erupted and I kicked his ass. I never thought I would go violent on someone. But it was like building blocks that took years to build topple down in the matter of seconds. And apparently, drama from my former locals followed me to Massachusetts, which I As a result of such, and other reasons, I deleted my Facebook and Twitter, took off most of my info from my FA profile, and put most of my submissions in scraps. It's a lingering feeling I had since last year that perhaps I'm not cut out for the fandom. While I do know a lot of people, doesn't mean they're friends of mine, or that I'm close to most of them. I'll admit, I'm jealous that people have their friends on their profiles, and wish I knew who I could put on there. And dreams I had over the last w eek only affirm that perhaps I know how to blend in, but don't know how to belong. Like in conventions, I drift from group to group and have different roommates for every con. For once I want to have a room at a convention where I knew everyone for a long time, that we chill throughout the convention while having our own individual time, and by the end of a convention, reaffirm our friendship.

Such thoughts and lingering emotions has me in tears as I type this. I just hope that in the next week, I get interviews that would land me a job so that I may remain in Massachusetts. If not, I will make a long trek into Tennessee. Such begins the life of a migrant.
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